Christmas- Am I being silly!?

[pippanda]

So this year is my daughter's first Christmas. My OH also has a 9yr old who is spending Christmas with us this year. We both agreed that we wouldn't spend a lot on our DD this year as she's only 8 months and will get loads off family etc so naturally that means we will be spending more on my SD for Christmas as she's older which I was fine with... until I saw the amount my OH has gotten her. It seems this year he's gotten her more than normal and DD literally has a tiny pile of presents and SD has loads!!! now I have the mum guilt! Have I got her enough?! I spoke to OH about it and he said he didn't want SD to have less presents than DD because my family has sent presents for her (I moved away, so some family don't know SD, my parents etc always send SD a present too) but of course SD will have the same when she goes home. I can see this being a nightmare as DD gets older - how do you navigate this as it just seems like SD will get so much more and I feel I'll end up compensating for my DD? I could be totally overthinking this! Am I being silly? Any advice is appreciated

can you afford the presents & are these things DSD needs/will really use/enjoy? or do some need to go back?

when's her birthday?

If you keep the presents, leave it for now, your 8 month old will not know how many presents she's had. Have a lovely time with SD & just enjoy your wee family & time together.

in a few weeks time, talk to DH. The girls need to be treated fairly by you two, but gifts from others, are what they are. Dd may have more to open at your house but DSD, gets two lots.

while DD is small (next 3/4 Christmases) you could keep the ones from relatives until DSD goes to her Mums. She won't know any different & just think yay more presents.

Your husband is being silly about the amount of presents from relatives thing but I can understand how it might be hard to see one of your children appear to get more even though logically it's not true.

He does need to curb that way of thinking though as the girls get older imo.

Your 8 month old won't notice now but as she gets older she may. In addition to that your DSDs presents are likely to be getting more and more expensive for the years ahead. Matching or concentrating the size of the pile between a teenager and a young child would be ludicrous imo.

For example this year my older DSC has a new Xbox whereas my young toddler has lots of toys. The toddlers pile is going to look bigger but it's still not as expensive as DSCs.

The size should not matter providing they have both been treated fairly by their father (and personally I'm not always sure that needs to be spending the same with children who have such large age gaps as stated above). Trying to match this or that or counting presents, especially ones to your baby from family members that your DSD also likely has presents from on her mum's side is silly and I'd sit down and try and have a chat with him about it before next year.

while DD is small (next 3/4 Christmases) you could keep the ones from relatives until DSD goes to her Mums. She won't know any different & just think yay more presents.

And this could be a good compromise. I highly doubt DSD will care about the size of a 4 year olds present pile in 4 years time. My DSC (early teens) couldn't care less how many plastic toys their young sibling gets! Toys aren't cool to them anymore 😂

I think relax - these are peak years for DSD’s Christmas excitement. Your daughter (congratulations and enjoy baby’s first Christmas 🥰) has no idea this year.
i confess I was your DP this week. His family are rubbish at sending gifts on time so I’ve overdone it on presents for her so her eyes light up on Christmas morning.
And I do believe the main benefit of having split parents is two Christmas’s and all the pressies that go with that.

Next year spend the same amount on presents. It's the only way to stop this rubbish.

Your dsd might get more overall in terms of presents but all you can do as your dd gets older is ensure that they have a similar amount to open when they are together at your home. What your DSD gets at home with her own mum is irrelevant. Your dc gets to live with her Dad but dsd has to see her parents across two homes and for that reason alone, she’s already better off.

You need to put your foot down now. It can only get worse.

DSD gets the same as DD in your house. Full stop.

So sick of reading about second families getting the shitty end of the stick.

I think given the 9 year age difference this is a bit of a non issue. They will be at completly different stages while dsd is still a child so it would be weird if you got them the same kind of stuff anyway. I don't think they'll compare in the same way siblings close in age might.

@MelchiorsMistress
That attitude drives me insane…they are two separate things and not compatible. Getting more presents doesn’t “make up” for living across two homes.

Why should DC be made to feel lesser because of dad’s guilt of Moro living with DSC.

It’s a toxic way to think and raise children. There is a lot of research of things like this - look it up.

*comparable not compatible

Presents are not some kind of consolation prize. Jeez.

We do it this way - presents for DS for my family are kept aside. DSS(6) and DSS(8) and DS(4) all get the same number of Christmas presents.

DSSs alternate Christmas between mum and dad. So this year they were here Christmas Eve and morning, and Christmas Day evening and Boxing Day with their mum.

So they all opened their 5-6 presents this morning, then went to their mum's. At their mum's they open her side of the family's presents in the evening this year, and our DS opens my side's presents that evening just with us. Everyone gets two lots, DSSs don't feel like they're missing out from my side of the family, there's no drama. DS doesn't think they're getting extra presents and vice versa.

Next year they're at their mum's so we will open my side in the morning and when they come over later Christmas Day we will do the big ones all together.

Think you are over thinking it. The age gap between the two children is massive. Once your child is 9 with their big pile of presents his older child will be 18 with probably just a few small ones and request for money to go shopping or have adventures with.

and the reality about being a child who lives between 2 houses is that yes, you do get more than a child who lives at 1 house. You get 2 bedrooms. You get 2 holidays. And, if the adults can do it right, you get a mum, a dad, and a bonus (step) mum or bonus (step) dad. So possibly 4 adults who care about you. Rather than 2. And yes more presents. So hard to compare the 2 situations as ultimately different.

I think he’s right. Your step daughter shouldn’t be faced with a smaller pile of presents than your daughter, regardless of what happens elsewhere on a different day.

@Rtmhwales suggests a sensible and sensitive way of handling this.

But hang on. The step daughter will also get presents from her mum and her mum's side of the family surely? Just as your DD will get then from yours?

Your partner is acting as if what she gets from you two is all that she'll get. Folding his logic, it's your child that will do less well, if SD gets as much as she does at your house PLUS what her mum and that side get her.

If they are old enough to realise that they will have presents when they see their mum I don't see why not. Why should the DC have to hide theirs? Especially if there's an age difference. I think as long as you're not opening each one one by one it won't matter. As kids get older they tend to get smaller sized technology presents or a bigger one where people have clubbed together. Or vouchers. There's no need for this obsession about numbers. As long as dad has spent the same amount on all his kids there should be no issue.

We don't do all the presents together with SC. They get a lot with their other parent too and you need to just make it an even field for them.

So, we either have Christmas morning or the afternoon with SCs too. When they're here we just do the gifts that they all have. I would do your own family's gifts (who are not direct family to SC) when the SC aren't there. The presents they all have at the same time should be equal. Your dh shouldn't buy more for the sc than he does for your shared child and if he overcompensates then that needs to stop. It's a weird insecurity that sets in but good kids really don't judge by numbers of presents - they should just accept it's different and they do well by having Xmas in two different homes.

If it makes you feel better, why don't you put some savings in your DCs account so you've levelled up in your mind?

The way we do it in the way I see it. Both kids have two different sets of family from each side.

So my boy gets gifts from my side of the family and friends, plus gifts from my husband side of the family and his friends

My husbands girl gets gifts from my husbands side of the family and his friends and her mum‘s side of the family and friends.

My son get one pile of presents at Christmas, mySD get two piles of presents at Christmas into different houses

we spread Christmas out over three or four days which does help with the present situation, but I know not always feasible