Step Son Drug Use

[MistaMatthews]

Now this is my first post on here and I have to admit, I have not previously read much so please accept my apologies in advance if this posting about something that has already been discussed or if I’m in the wrong section.

I moved in with my partner and her three kids about three years ago. I also have to of my own with an ex and my kids are generally with me at our house 2/3 days a week. My partner is slightly older and has kids in their teenage years.

So this post relates to her 15 year old son. About 3 months ago, I came downstairs and found him smoking cannabis in the garden. I’m completely anti-drugs but I did not fly off the handle. I informed his mum who handled the situation with his dad and gave the usual anti drug chat. His mum decided to take the cannabis and decided that he could have it back when he went out with his mates. I thought it slightly odd, but not really my position to dispute this decision.

A few days ago, he admitted that he has been taking sweets which contain THC and has been getting high whilst both in school and out with his mates. Not much of a chat this time, it was just slightly dismissed.

Last night, I was sitting with my step son, and asked him to put something on TV that he was interested in as he rarely comes out of his bedroom and I was trying to show an interest in him. His go to was A YouTube video that showed someone reviewing different strands of cannabis. I wasn’t really sure what to think so I didn’t raise any issues with him but suggested we watch something else.

I tried to discuss with my partner today, at what point are you going to start being concerned and put your foot down? I already feel that having moved from smoking cannabis to taking these “sweets” is a form of escalation of use. I was met with a lot of defensiveness about how I have no experience of raising teenagers (my two children are a younger) and that she cannot stop him from doing whatever he is doing. I tried to explain that I am not suggesting harsh consequences, just that at what level should we be seriously concerned? Cocaine? Heroine?

In general, he is a good kid but recently, skipping school, putting no work in at school, shows no motivation for anything and falling off a bit, especially approaching GCSE time. I’m worried as my two kids spend a fair bit of time at our house and I’m not happy with the presence of drugs in the house.

If anymore detail is required, please ask. I’m just looking for some general advice as to how to handle the situation.

Many Thanks

Your approach sounds very calm and reasonable so far. But I completely understand your position on this.

He’s 15, it’s illegal, it could have a very negative impact on his physical and mental health immediately and longer term, and you have younger children in the house. I would not be happy.

I’m not sure why your partner thinks this is OK. Has she explained? What are she and her ex doing to help him straighten out and pass his exams?

Her attitude is really odd to me. Does she know where he's getting it from? Is she not concerned about who he's associated with and what other substances this may give him access to.

Has he been smoking cigarettes prior to this? Her attitude feels to me like this isn't news to her.

It would be a dealbreaker for me as you have no control over this situation, she thinks your opinion is irrelevant and you have no idea what this may bring into your lives.

He’s already stated that he gets it from one of his mates. No he doesn’t smoke cigarettes but openly vapes in the house which she is fine with despite the fact that he has multiple internal exclusions at school for possessing and vaping in the toilets.

She doesn’t think it’s ok, but her stance is, if he ends up in a situation such as an overdose, then she wants him to be able to come to her rather than hide it from her. Maybe that’s the more sensible approach but I struggle to see it that way personally. Maybe a smoke here or there isn’t so bad, but I need to know that escalation will result in more serious consequences.

I’m just told, We’ll what do you want me to do about it? When your kids grow up and become teenagers you’ll understand.

I’ve watched my cousins life fall apart with drug use and the thought of this happening to my step son is worrying as I care for him a lot, but I feel as his mum, she gets the final say and I need to back off a bit.

He vapes around the house?! So the rest of you get to put up with inhaling mango steam or whatever he’s puffing? Gross. Plus presumably it has nicotine content, so an addiction issue for him.

She sounds super casual about the whole thing. And her ‘what do you expect me to do about it’ response is a red flag. She’s telling you she’s not going to do anything about it! What is she doing about his truancy and the bad crowd of drug dealing/taking friends he’s in with?

I wouldn’t want my children anywhere near this.

I mean look I try to look at every situation from every angle but tbh I'm struggling to understand mums and we have a teen in the house.

Tbh I would be wary of anyone that seems that chilled about drug use tbh. Certainly the sweets would give me pause for concern.

I think what's she's saying is she's much more relax around drug taking than you and so you have to decide whether you are ok with that being the bar for your Dc.

I wouldn't be but I also lost a friend to drugs so I'm a little no thank you than most

Whether you're anti-drug or not, the issue is that he's 15 and he's getting high at school. How would she feel about him drinking alcohol in the house or at school?

Her stance seems bizarre to me and the fact he's allowed to vape in the house is encouraging a total lack of respect for the other people that live there.

Although you can't really tell her how to parent you can tell her what you're comfortable with in your own home and around your children. Tell her that you're not happy with vaping in your home and certainly not infront of your children. You also don't feel comfortable with a person who's under the influence of drugs being around your children. Aside from that it's up to her to set boundaries for her kids but you absolutely can set boundaries for you and your kids.

@MistaMatthews interested to know what happened with this...any update? Having similar issues with drugs, except I'm the mum, and we're hard line about drug use and dd is still doing it.