Same every year, christmas gifts to step son

[lemonfluff]

I am just really after a good vent and any advice from anyone else in our situation. Step son is now in his 20's, we've been through so much struggle over the last 20 years I wont bore anyone with the fine details. My DH ex has always been difficult. We got together 3 years after they split, but she has hated me with a passion and our children together. We did the court fight at the beginning for my DH to get access to see his son, but had to abandon that after his mother made it clear she would not play ball or give an atom of reasonableness. It got very nasty in court and we were advised by cafcass and a QC to give up for the sake of his son, the cafcass officer said his mother was the worst he had every encountered. Fast forward to today and after 20 years of parental alienation, lies, smears and generally a hate campaign, we are still trying to give my step son christmas gifts to try and make him feel not left out, but he has taken the bait and believed very lie his mother has told him, what should we do, give up? any advice from anyone going through anything similar would be very appreciated.

If he was 6 then I’d say send a gift. But there’s no point at this age. DH could send a letter instead. Something simple, another olive branch, letting him know he’d like to see him. No pressure, just that DH is there when he’s ready.

Thank you for your reply, the problem we have is that unless we give cash the hate gets worse. Both DH son and his ex have always been about what they can get out of us, she made it clear to us and to him that we are only worth the money we can give. Its been utterly vile and now he is an adult, I find it terrifying having two people who hate me and our children, you get trapped in this cycle of living in fear. I know its an unpopular thing on here that ex's are anything but love and light and the wronged party, but anyone on this step parenting section probably will say otherwise 😉

Why does the toxic ex get to dictate anything?

Ignore her. Why is DH even in contact with her? Block her!

The focus is only on DSS now, surely? He’s in his 20s, so chooses whether to see his father. If he wants to go along with his mother’s poison then there is little DH can do other can keep lines of communication open.

No cash is needed!

Sadly DSS hates us as much as his mother, and treats us a walking wallets. We are not in contact with his mother, but he still live with her and hangs on her every word. My DH left her as she was abusive, a compulsive liar and controlling and I feel that there should be more boundaries but then I am accused of being an evil step mother. It's draining. The verbal and nasty comments about our children I find the hardest to deal with, they are completely innocent, so when you hear that DSS wants to drop kick them, and you know it will get worse unless you give him money, you get trapped.

After 20 years, I'd not be buying my sons hatred any longer.
As a child, he believed and trusted his mothers lies. That's on her. As an adult, a lack of critical thinking or curiosity is on him.

DSS hates you and says he wants to physically harm your young children?

In that case I’m confused about why DH wants anything to do with him.and even more confused about why you’re both still trying to make him feel included with Christmas gifts. Just leave it.

Has Dh had therapy for the abuse?

These two people are treating you in this way because you are allowing them to do.
I’m so angry on your behalf!
Enough is enough!
You need to tell the Ss that you no longer want any contact with him and any abuse or threats directed at your children in future will be taken seriously and the Police will be involved.
I would hope your Dh would agree and tell his vile Son to go to hell.
If not, you must tell him that any contact with his Son is his business and you no longer want to hear anything about him.
Also, you will no longer be contributing any of your family money towards him.
If Dh wants to continue, then it should be out of his own money, or not at all.
The little bastard Ss needs a sharp shock and shown that his ruling the roost is over.
Stop this now OP, otherwise you are going to be bullied and treated like shit for the rest of your life.
I can’t believe how absolutely fuming I am!

GenerallyGreenerGrass bless you for feeling angry on our behalf. Its been a tough 20 years, and we have always tried hard. I agree we have allowed them to do this, and in the end the lack of respect DSS has for all of us has got worse because of it. But its a weird situation to be in and I feel the attitudes of society (and mumsnet) that non resident parents have to crawl over broken glass to see or contact their children even in light of abuse from the ex and the children, it is just something you have to endure. Its sometimes like seeing the Matrix from the other side and you think to yourself "what are we doing?" then when you get contacted by the in laws who have taken her side , accusing you of doing this or that which is a complete fabrication by his mother out of spite, the whole thing starts again. She is in my opinion unhinged, they have been divorced for 23 years, but she has a wedding picture up on the mantel piece......creepy 😮😛

You care too much what other people think!
Who cares if some people on Mumsnet think you should be bullied and abused by a crazy woman and a grown man.
If the in-laws keep taking her side as well, they would be told once that it is a pack of lies and you don't want to hear anything about her any more.
If they continue, you should stop seeing them.
Tell your Dh you don't want to hear any more about crazy woman, his Ds or his parents.
It's never going to stop, unless you stop it Op.

You need to set your stall out.
Present a united front with your dh.
You will not put up with anymore abuse from anyone, you're not going to be anyone's target anymore.
If the inlaws get involved you need to be firm "we have endured this abuse and hatred for X number of years despite us constantly trying to do the right thing, if you can't support us and choose to believe the lies from exw and DSS and can't support us, either don't discuss it with us or stay away"
As for DSS, would your dh cut contact / stop giving money?
In reality you wouldn't put up with this abuse from anyone outside the family and you shouldn't put up with it from DSS.
Does your dh see his DS?
Could he tell him face to face?
If he doesn't see him I would definitely cut the money off, why on earth would he give money to a 20 yr old man who abuses you and makes threats to your DC.
Time to go NC I think

Hi OP,

I'm in a very similar situation. After years of it I've just disengaged - with the ex, the now adult dsc and the spiteful in-laws.

I realised I was always trying to fix something I hadn't broken.

My DC won't be young forever and I'm not wasting this precious time with people who aren't taking the time to tackle their own problems.

it's a really sad situation but your focus is misaligned.

firstly, this is primarily an issue between DH and his son. you really shouldn't be involved, certainly shouldn't be making any decisions or taking any actions.

secondly, Christmas gifts are an expression of love and car in relationships. their monetary value isn't important - a £5 gift from someone who only has £5 but chose how to spend it with care can be more prized and appreciated by the recipient than a £30 gift from someone who has a budget of thousands. but the meaning of the gift comes from the existing loving relationship. you can'tbuy a relationship by giving a gift, the relationship has to come first.

the son is an adult now and can make his own choices. he doesn't yet have the maturity to make those choices free from his mother's poisonous resentment yet. it may take a long time. maybe one day he will experience his own relationship breakdown and see himself painted as an evil monster by his ex, and that may trigger him wondering perhaps for the first time if maybe his father was not so bad.

anyway, this Christmas isn't the time to resolve this complexity. exchange gifts with the people in your lives with whom you have positive relationships. keep the door open to dss whenever he is willing to connect. ignore the ex, you do not require her approval.

Just stop. I can guarantee she’s getting her paws on the cash, not him. Let him come to you later - or not. Send him the court documents showing that he tried by registered mail when he’s 30 and old enough to see that his mum derailled it.

Why is he still giving money? The SS clearly doesn't want a relationship with his dad so for all your sakes drop it. Stop paying anything, money should have stopped years ago. Get on with your lives and leave the ex and her son well alone

OP you need therapy if you think there should be no boundaries in your relationship with adult children and also if really care what everyone else thinks.

Otherwise heed the advice PP's have given to protect your children and yourself from your DH's toxic ex and your DH's adult son.

Oh and CAFCASS officers seem so naive. The barristers and solicitors involved in my DP's family law proceedings had seen and dealt with toxic parents.