Constant comparing to mum

[bluepen12]

Back here for more advice!

DP's DD (10) has recently started comparing me to her mum all the time. Every single thing I say needs to be compared with what's her mum's opinion, what her mum would like or would do.
She has also started saying that she wants her parents back together and that she doesn't like having two homes, she would want her dad to be back with her mum so she can be at home with both of them all the time. It is all said when I'm there. I'm not sure how to react to it.

I know it's hard for her. I know that, but how can this be tackled from my perspective? I accept that her mum is on the scene and she loves her, it's all fine, but at the same time I don't want to be having to talk/ listen about her mum all the time. (I never judge nor say anything negative about mum).
What's the best to do here?

I think your partner has to step in, consult with mum, and then both have a gentle but firm chat with the little girl to stop all these fantasies shes having about reuniting her birth family. Of course, if mum is feeding these fantasies at home then youre stuffed. But assuming everyone is on the same page, it may just be a common fantasy of a little girl that can just be explained and put into context,

I think it is quite normal for kids to want their parents to get back together. Your DP needs to be the one to address this with her and anything coming from you will probably not be taken well.

Again, quite normal for a child to talk about their mum when they're not with them. I think you just need to rise above or and continue not to respond in any negative way. Hopefully after her DF has a word with her this will dial down.

How long have you been with DP and when did he split with his ex?

I would agree that your DP needs a chat with her preferably with mum on board but if not then by himself; validate her feelings that it’s normal to want parents to live together but hers aren’t and she’s very loved and has two houses full of love etc.
In terms of the comparing to mum I’ve been through this and I would just say on repeat “well I do it this way and everyone does things differently/looks different/thinks differently otherwise the world would be very boring”; on repeat until she kind of got bored of saying it and hearing me say that.

I had this but in a slightly different way...whenever we did something nice with DSD or bought her something, she would always say 'I did this with Mum' or 'my mum bought me this' etc as think she was having some guilt that she was actually happy & having a nice time at ours. This was mainly 12-18 months into us living together but has stopped entirely now. We just used to say 'that's nice' but then change the topic...I think it's quite natural even though it can be rather irritating.

What does DP say to her when she is saying all these things?

Agree with PPs about your DH needing to handle this, with or without buy in from his ex (depending on relationship). Does he have enough 1:1 time with her?

I'd use the same phrase every single time: "That's interesting." Nothing negative about it but also nowhere to go with it. Hopefully she will get bored.

DP always responds saying that him and DD's mum will not be going back together and that this isn't possible. He is lovely and gentle with DD.
He doesn't react when she talks about mum all the time, just says OK and changes subject.
I know it's not my place to have the conversation with DD but I didn't know how to react when she does it either, so all your perspectives are really helpful

It is all said when I'm there

This is quite rude for a 10yo. Lovely and gentle is great but if it carries on and on, I’d be tempted to make plans at the weekend and leave them both to it for a while.

*prepares to be flamed

I agree with this tbh. It would be one thing if this was something she was saying to her dad in confidence but she's definitely teetering on the edge of being too old to be saying she wishes her dad was not with you in front of you and not expect it to be taken as an insult.

Hey OP, this sounds tough but some good advice here.

How long have you been together?

4 years together with DP and 2 of these I'm in DD'S life

You could go the other way op.

DSC "I want my parents back together" said in front of you

You "wouldn't that be lovely" said with a smile and no malice.

She maybe saying it to get a rise out of you and if you don't rise and acknowledge it. It may completely throw her off saying it.

My DSD went through a phase of comparing me and her mum. For her, I think it was a way of trying to include both of her families at each house and there was never any malice in it.

I didn't want her to feel like she's wasn't allowed to mention her Mum so I always replied with something along the lines "Oh that's good that she does it that way. Isn't it funny how everyone does things differently." Or "My mum thinks/does that too. Aren't mum's great!"

I'm glad her dad is reinforcing that they won't get back together.

If she is saying things maliciously, or rudely though, I think her dad should say something.

Not a DSC nut I had a DN on my DH side who stayed with us often and did this a lot. I always responded with positivity and questions about their mum "oh that's interesting, if your mummy chops the potatoes this way what does she use to mash them after they are boiled?" "Oh that's clever if your mummy does your hair that way, does she use hair bands or clips?" Etc. They either clam up and stop comparing to stop you engaging them in conversation or they enjoy it and it makes them comfortable opening up to you - mums are the rock in a lot of children's lives speaking positively about them when you can over little things encourages the child to relax around you.

When my stepkids used to do stuff like this i would say sincerely "yes I know, it would be so much easier to have your parents together. I felt the same when mine broke up and hated living between two houses" and put all my energy into not taking it personally because let's face it, it would be nicer for them.

Really don't agree with your DP changing the subject whenever she mentions her mum - let her talk, she is a huge part of her life. She can not walk through the door and shut the door on the other life.

Yes to reinforcing not getting back but if she can not talk to her Dad about her Mum then this is not good parenting.

I think it’s pretty normal and understandable
for step children to mention the other parent. Especially if they are going back and forth a lot. This is their reality, one night it’s one parent and one with the other, they can’t not talk about it. Eg they have mashed potato with you one night and then they have a slightly different mashed potato with their mum the next- it wouldn’t surprise me if she said at her mum’s house “oh at daddy’s we put cheese in the mash” etc.

Obviously the saying she wants her parents back together is different, but mentioning her mum is quite par for the course I think.

It’s not rude for a child to
say they want their parents back together and to live in one household. It most probably would be nicer for them but it’s not going to Happen. There’s lots of things kids want. I think the right response is to not take personal offence and just Listen, commiserate and move on. I think you’ll have a better relationship with her if you just validate the feelings from a neutral stance. It will be a phase and she’ll get past it

I would show empathy. My daughter sometimes talks about how hard it is to live between two homes. She may well say the same to her step mum too. Because on a practical level it is. And she misses whichever parent she is away from.

Well it IS rude to say to OP from a certain age, where they recognise that that wish implies their dad should not be with OP. So a 5 year old, yeah not rude, but with a preteen it would definitely be getting rude.