Advice for DC missing SDC

[StepmumQuestions]

A bit of background, I am a stepmum to a 9 year old girl and have two younger girls (age 3 and 1), all 3 girls have the same dad - my DH.

SD parents split when she was 2, I have been in her life since she was 4. We live quite close to SDs mum and have her 50/50, the second half of every week.

My worry is how my 3 year old feels when SD is not here. She talks about her all the time and is sad that she is not here. Whenever she gets anything nice on the days SD isn't here she will say 'I am so sad SD isn't here to have this' even though I do try to explain that SD will be having a similar nice thing at her house.

I do feel guilty as when I got pregnant I thought about how lovely it would be for SD to have a sister, but didn't comprehend how hard it would be for my daughter to have her big sister come and go for half of the week. Probably partly because SD has never been bothered by her routine and never struggled with missing her mum or anything like that.

Anyone have any advice as to how to help my 3.t year old feel okay/accept the fact that her sister isn't here for half of the week?

I meant, at her mum's house as both houses are 'her house '

Can they FaceTime to chat

Maybe. My SD has always turned down offers to facetime her mum so never really thought of it... but she might be up for facetimeing dd!

It might be nice to catch up after school. It might set her mind at rest. Pls be aware that sd might not be as keen!! Talk to sd about how dd misses her, what does she think about ft?

It's a tricky one. Do you and DH talk about missing her? We've always avoided talking like that with my DD about DSS and been quite matter of fact about him not being there. We haven't raised her to think he's supposed to be there all the time and she needs to miss him, if that makes sense. We talk about looking forward to seeing him, but not about missing him. She does the same as a result, it's rather like how she talks about being excited to see her grandparents but she doesn't exactly get sad that they're not there all the time.

Having said that, I am curious to see how this evolves now we have DD2 as well, as obviously they will both have a sibling who does live with them full time so will be aware of the difference.

And it could be that your DD is simply very close to your DSD - my DD and DSS love seeing each other but they are very different and do wind each other up, so there's possibly some natural distance there. Are they thick as thieves when they're together?

It's nice that she cares but I'd distract. "Yes, we are all excited for Saturday morning when we can have hot chocolate with DSD. Lots of lovely things to do and people to see between now and then. Could you help me set up a teddy tea party for you and baby DD's toys now? Why don't you draw DSD a picture for her to see at the weekend" etc.

Does your DD know where her sister lives the other part of the week as in actually seen the house even from the outside? At this age we took my DD to drop her sister home and we’re invited inside and it really helped DD to understand where her sister lived. Obviously you can’t expect her mum to let you in the house just to appease your DD but maybe knowing where she lives the rest of the time and understanding her sisters routine might help. You could get your DSD to help out with explaining this.

Hello OP! I am familiar with this too!

I think it will get easier as your 2 little ones get older as they will have each other. I have 2 little ones as well as 2 SDs.

We drew a picture of the households to show our kids how it all worked, and we tried to keep things fairly separate so they understood that SDs and my bio son from first marriage had another home and that when they were there they were doing lovely things and when we were together we were too. My ex didn't want our son talking to his little brother too much as he felt it conflicted on "his" time so I phased that out.

It could well be a phase in your DDs development too which will pass.

Good luck💐

It will get easier as they get older, your DD's will understand more and potentially your dsd can have a less rigid routine eg my friends dsd tends to pop into their house on days that she's at her mum's after school for a cup of tea and biscuit (her mum works until 5.30 so suits everyone) but the parents do get on amicably and the children occasionally go to dsd's house so it's not a mystery (the ex actually does babysit occasionally, the younger child in the second marriage has sn's and the exw has been incredibly supportive, a model modern family, having the typical child when younger had surgery, and is willing to babysit a child with feeding tube and continence issues, no family members to help out. )

My little one is starting to express feeling same feelings. I help them adjust by saying yes it is sad you will see them soon in x days. And if that doesn't help then we drawn picture for the DSC. I'm not about to arrange extra visits or facetime. Hard as it is the DC need to learn their normal.

To answer a few of your questions:

No we don't talk about missing SD all the time. I do try and be matter of fact.

I think part of it could be that I work full time during the week, so the weekends (eg when SD is here) are naturally more fun than weekdays as we spend more time together.

Yes she has been to SDs mums house.

Maybe I need to try and have a special 1-1 activity with DD earlier in the week when SD isn't there

That’s so sweet of your daughter to miss her when she’s gone! I don’t have any advice I’m afraid, my older two from previous marriage don’t have any contact with their dad any more (their original choice and his to cut contact completely) but I feel we would have a similar problem when their step sibling is older as he loves both his older siblings beyond but we don’t say step brother or sister it’s always been just brother or sister since he was born as I personally don’t feel there should be a difference as all three are my babies if that makes sense? Also current partner always treats the older two as his own and has always wished he was their dad instead of who the have.
Perhaps as others have suggested encourage her to look forward to when SD is there by maybe doing a picture for her or planning something for when she’s home with you.

Following as our 3yo has started with this….massive tears when DSD leaves (only here EOW) and saves her things ie a piece of cake, etc.

Im wary of FaceTime as DD tends to become more upset when the call ends likes it’s reminded her DSD isn’t here.

I feel guilty for not looking at it from this side of things, I just focussed on the fact they’d be good friends. There’s very little help out there for it too.

I spoke to a counsellor who just said that it’s part of it really…don’t reason with the upset, let them be upset kind of thing

Thanks everyone for your advice and sharing experiences. I think maybe the I need to just allow her to feel her feelings and be empathetic, but also to focus on some more fun stuff that I can do with her on days that SD isn't here.

For example today dd says she misses SD, and I talked to her about it and turns out she wishes SD was here so they could play a certain board game. So I said we can still play the board game ourselves and she enjoyed that.

Love this family!! 🙌

Don't feel guilty!! I think lots of us focus on the stepchild and kind of forget to think about the "ours" kids.

I'm not sure I'd agree with the counsellor's advice in that phrasing! There are things you can do to manage the situation but of course each situation is unique so it will depend on your family and your dynamics as to what is possible.💐

My daughter has a half sister and they FaceTime often on her weekends with me. Less so during the week as there is school and clubs. But often on a Saturday they chat and play Robucks together.

@thestepmumspacepodcast
I think I’ve paraphrased quite badly! I was trying to almost appease DD, saying things like DSD has to see her mummy now just like DD likes to spend time with me, etc. The counsellor said to just sort of let her feel what she was feeling, it’s a justified and legitimate feeling. She said to offer DD something nice to do when she’s ready or give her a choice of a couple of things ie would you like to watch a film or do some drawing. Give her some control back.

I’m not a fan of of FaceTime for young children. I think it can feel quite intrusive and can demand a lot from them.

I’ll always have a bit of mum guilt over things not being completely straight forward though!

Lose the mum guilt! It's never straightforward in a stepfamily - you sound like you're doing a great job x