Challenging behaviour

[KB23366]

Hello, my SD moved in with us earlier this year and after some poor treatment from her mother is beginning to act out.
She has a desperate NEED for attention after what the counselor says she is experiencing is 'rejection from her mother'.
However, this attention she craves she seems to act in a negative way to get it.
She will deliberatly do something i have asked her not to in order to go off in a strop and have me follow her for 1:1 attention and draw me away from my other two children.
She blames the others for her acts she knows is wrong in the hope they get into trouble and then she laughs at them.
My own daughter was sick and i was too afraid to give her additonal comfort and cuddles like i wanted too in the fear of my SD reaction to this and not wanting her to feel unwanted like she previously had before the move.
She has started acting up at school now too, to crave 1:1 attention from close adults.
She will point blank refuse to do something, sulk and go all quiet and paint a sad look on her face in order to draw you in and then once shes satisfied she will say 'im ok now you can go'.

I am concerned for her, i dont know if she is struggling with things more and needs additonal support.

And i am also concerned for myself. I am beginning to struggle with this behaviour each day and its very draining on me and she doesnt want OH only myself, the maternal figure.
I fear i am neglecting my own children by focusing all my energy and attention on making sure she is happy and worry about the effects this is having on them.
Its beginning to make me emotional and feel quite low most days knowing i have to go it all again, and alone!

Has anyone experienced similar or can give some advice on any way we can move on from this and get us to a place thats easier to manage?

She needs a councillor.

The problem with her taking away you from your dc when they need comfort then they in turn will experience what she felt (I doubt consciously she's doing it for that reason.

You cannot fix this because at the root of it the problem didn't start with you and you will have v little influence over mum. I feel sorry for the girl but you need to show her that children (including her will get attention for positive behaviour and no attention for negative).

Your doing your best ❤️ step parenting is hard. If your burnt out then your DH needs to step up to plate and let you look after your own children and get her the support she needs.

Have a similar experience and I’m afraid my advice would be to step back and focus on your own children. Leave your OH to focus on his daughter. Otherwise the temptation will be to
revolve everything around SD and your own kids will bear the brunt. You can’t fix this and nobody else will advocate for your children.

What is your h doing? He should be looking after his own dc. This is not down to you, though I respect you for trying to resolve this mess other people have made.

My own daughter was sick and i was too afraid to give her additonal comfort and cuddles like i wanted too in the fear of my SD reaction to this and not wanting her to feel unwanted like she previously had before the move.

Well this is very sad. You need to prioritise your kids. Your H needs to be stepping up and reassuring her that HE is there for her, whether she would prefer it to be you or not.

How old is she? She doesn't sound that young so I would sit her down and talk to her about her behaviour. Explain that you all love her but you can't be chasing after her if she's stropping for attention. Wait for her to come back down and welcome her into the fold.

What ages are the children, OP?

Does DSD have any contact with her mother and if so, what impact does this have?

I feel very sorry for your DSD, things generally have to be quite extreme for a child to be removed from their mother.

I have to wonder how your daughter felt not getting comfort when she was sick, do you really want to stay in a position where you feel like you can't be the mum you want 5"to your own children.

I feel sorry for all of you but especially your own children. They didn’t ask for any of this either. If it’s really so bad they’re not being adequately cared for when they’re ill you need to consider living separately, or her dad being present constantly so you’re not being left juggling all of them on your own.

You sound lovely.

But please prioritise your own children the next time you really can- like a weekend day out together and let dh spend time with his dd for the day.

I would address with your child who was ill how much you wanted to cuddle them and age appropriate reasons why you didn't with a bit from you about 'you'll not do that again and how your kids can have cuddles anytime they want' this will help settle sad children who may just want their mum back.

SD has had lots go on by the sounds of it. Also it sounds like her way of coping is controlling you (might be others at home too) but this isn't good for her. She needs lots of boundaries to give her the security she needs.