Advice pre blending...

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Wonder what advice you would give...

Mines:
1)remmwber to laugh and keep a connection
2) be clear on boundires for all kids beofre blending eg no food in rooms, pay rent if adults etc

Remember you're not replacing their parent, but make sure they know they can always talk to you and you'll always have their back.

If you're blending as in combining two households, treat the children as equally as you can and make sure you've got enough space, time and energy to accommodate everyone's needs. It's not worth mixing households if it doesn't benefit everyone.

Do not attempt to be a third parent. Do not let anyone assume you are there to be a third parent. Embrace the relationship with the step kids for what it is and let it evolved organically.

Hahaha DONT DO IT

Just not really kidding

Keep date nights. Prioritize your time together, you are a couple and need to support each other.

This too shall pass is what I mutter to myself when I think I am about to go off the rails.

You will not love your stepkids like your own kids - however much you love and like them. It's ok. You're doing your best.

If you've only had girls and you get boy stepkids... they are so different... you'll have to reset your head when you deal with them - and vice versa etc.

It will enrich your life if you survive

1)Be nice… act like an aunt or older sibling.

2)make sure you and your partner have good communication - essential

3. discuss things in advance - birthday, xmas, holidays, etc

4. set and stick to house rules. Find way of dividing household work equally.

5. discuss household finance

6. don’t get involved with their parent nor discuss them. Ask your partner to shield you from any nonsense

Talk about the small things.

when something big kicks off it can be discussed and worked out. The tiny daily niggles like where shoes go or ketchup in the fridge or cupboard can smoulder away and become massive issues.

Be realistic. It’s not always going to be wonderful. Life has tough days.

Don’t.

Sad, but true.

I agree, don't even think about it! Wait until they are all adults before you move in.

Don't do it.

It's not horrific but it's not an easy life and I really wish we'd maintained separate homes. We'd probably never have had our own DC or got married but I wish we still had that space to breathe.

To "blend" as it were, make sure you have iron clad boundaries.

Encourage a good relationship with the ex partner if possible.

Stay out of fights involved DSC, mum or dad or as usual a weird combo of both.

DONT JOIN FINANCES. I know I know people will want to put my head on a spike for breaking mn rules of you aren't family unless you have joined finances but seriously money will become a issue.
Remove the option of it being a issue - pay into joint account re household bills and the rest of money stays with each partner to be spend accordingly. Maintenance also isn't a joint bill (I said what I said 🤷🏼‍♀️)

On the topic of maintenance- don't be drawn into a fight re maintenance if to high or low. Just don't go there.

If your struggling with DSC look for any redeeming qualities and latch on to them (like you would your own children when they are playing up)

Remember there's no rule book of what you should or shouldn't do in a blended family. Don't let people tell you there is because there will be another group of people telling you whatever your doing is wrong.

If you are a people pleaser- blending is not for you. I'm not fucking kidding.

Remember to like yourself because rarely will you be liked as a sm (both socially and sometimes by family)

Looking after the children occasionally is fine, do not repeatedly do this because you will become defacto childcare for mum and dad. School runs, ect are for the parents. If someone's died or it's a emergency sure.

Set up house rules created by everyone for everyone. And both people enforce them.

If he sounds like a Disney dad - run don't walk away.

No matter how lovely the man, if the ex is nuts (and witness it by your own eyes) again run don't walk. She won't get better and it's painful to watch when the kids are used and damaged by their parent.

Check everyone sleeps in their own bed and it won't be expected that when DSC are over they come in your bed and you sleep on sofa (ignore this if young obviously) but there was a thread about a 13 year old forced to sleep with her dad and partner forced to sleep on sofa.

Become Switzerland in terms of mum and dad. Hard I know but my god save yourself some agg and if they want to war let them war. Remember it's not your war.

In this circs the kids are adults! But with cost of living won't be going anywhere

Talk through all of the details of everything beforehand. Assume nothing.

How will you do holidays/Christmas? How far in advance will you plan these?

What will you do about school holidays, and going on holiday? Will you all holiday together, separately and what if one child is there more often than others, how will you manage issues about events which fall in contact time/outside contact time?

Who will do shopping for whose presents?

Will you have house rules, how will you address them and who will enforce them?

What will be the arrangement if one of you is unwell during contact time? How much responsibility will each of you take on for the older person's child?

Do you need to stay living in the same area due to maintaining contact with exes etc, for how long will this be the case?

Do all of the kids have a second parent involved?

What are the financial disparities? Will you both still be able and free to do financial planning for your own child's future if you blend?

What are you and DPs relationships like with your exes?

My advice is to think logistically and think and talk all of this through.

I went into step parenting thinking the only requirement was to be able to care about a child who wasn't mine. Totally wrong! The issues I've had are about 10% related to my ability to care for my stepdaughter, and 90% logistics/family politics!