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Step-parenting

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Original poster

She’s back…

11 replies

cheesychips101 · 09/12/2022 08:36

Very long story as short as I can for context…

Step daughter is now 22, we’ve never had much to do with her as she’s always hated her dad and been very difficult. She also has a stepdad who she’s always lived with and called dad.

Our children didn’t know her because she was so unpredictable (they knew of her and had met her but didn’t ‘know’her/have a relationship with her). Three years ago she came to us with a sob story so we obviously took her in and gave her everything we could, gave her all of the tools to get driving and get a job. She bought so much drama with her that our children really struggled and it was a really crap time. Anyway, 8 months later it turned out the sob story she had given us was all a big lie (this isn’t a white lie, this is a series of very serious whoppers which had consequences for people around her) she had been stealing from us and my youngest became absolutely petrified of her which I was always very suspicious about. She caused so many problems for our marriage, our children and generally our trust. We were devastated that it had ended like that.

During the last 3 years we’ve found out she’s had a baby and she’s sent a few nasty messages but that’s it.

She called my DH a few days ago wanting to know if they could be ‘friends’. We generally always used to get a message before Christmas wanting to see us (before the last incident) so he said something about that and she didn’t really pass comment. He left it saying he needs to think about things and speak to me.

If I told any of our family they would be fuming and tell us not to entertain her. They all saw straight through her and actually disagreed with us taking her in before but my DH is her father and I’m her step mother we couldn’t turn her away given what we were being told.

I can’t find it in my heart to forgive her or trust her. I’ve said to my DH that if he wants to try and build a relationship with her he’ll have to do it on his own for now. But he’s not keen on that. It’s already caused us an argument, he’s gone off to work today on bad terms.

Life is too short for this, I so wish things didn’t have to be like this. I just really can’t be bothered with it.

OP posts:
FaazoHuyzeoSix · 09/12/2022 08:51

your priority has to be the wellbeing of your own children first and foremost, whilst also balancing the needs of DH's wellbeing and your own wellbeing.

meanwhile DH's choices are less clear as this 22yo is equally his child as much as your children are. he shouldn't cut her off and may feel he needs support from you to cope with a very challenging situation.

i think it's clear that any contact should be away from your own DC who have had enough drama from the previous interactions . you need to protect them.

this 22yo is clearly quite messed up and has made some stupid mistakes and probably has some deep personality flaws e.g. with dishonesty. however quite a lot if this is going to be down to various ways in which your DH messed up and made stupid choices of his own, which can't be fixed or apologised for. so he needs to put some effort in here. even if the (no longer a child) child is horrible, it's our duty as parents to do what we can to help them. that help must be given very cautiously aware that you can't trust that her own story about what she needs is true, and aware that what she needs may be very different from what she wants. 22 year olds may be legally adults but the human brain doesn't reach full maturity until at least 25. there's a lot of ways in which she's still a kid, and needs her dad. this may not directly be your responsibility as she isn't your child but in marrying DH rather than just being his girlfriend you do owe him support to deal with whatever challenges life throws at him, and this is a big one.

Ittakesavineyard · 09/12/2022 08:53

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 09/12/2022 08:51

your priority has to be the wellbeing of your own children first and foremost, whilst also balancing the needs of DH's wellbeing and your own wellbeing.

meanwhile DH's choices are less clear as this 22yo is equally his child as much as your children are. he shouldn't cut her off and may feel he needs support from you to cope with a very challenging situation.

i think it's clear that any contact should be away from your own DC who have had enough drama from the previous interactions . you need to protect them.

this 22yo is clearly quite messed up and has made some stupid mistakes and probably has some deep personality flaws e.g. with dishonesty. however quite a lot if this is going to be down to various ways in which your DH messed up and made stupid choices of his own, which can't be fixed or apologised for. so he needs to put some effort in here. even if the (no longer a child) child is horrible, it's our duty as parents to do what we can to help them. that help must be given very cautiously aware that you can't trust that her own story about what she needs is true, and aware that what she needs may be very different from what she wants. 22 year olds may be legally adults but the human brain doesn't reach full maturity until at least 25. there's a lot of ways in which she's still a kid, and needs her dad. this may not directly be your responsibility as she isn't your child but in marrying DH rather than just being his girlfriend you do owe him support to deal with whatever challenges life throws at him, and this is a big one.

Thank you for the really wise and balanced words xx

Theunamedcat · 09/12/2022 08:57

He can support her as long as its not from family money and it doesn't effect you and the younger children

LadyDanburysHat · 09/12/2022 08:58

I think it is entirely reasonable that your DH starts to build a relationship without you involved. That he meets her in a public place away from your house until you can be certain this is not another one of her games.

The pp is right that you need to protect your DC from her.

2catsandhappy · 09/12/2022 14:39

Your gut and your youngest dc are telling you what to do. Put up barriers and protect. If you have to have a hard conversation with your dh, well so be it. He and she are adults and can have an arrangement outside your home.

magicalorange · 09/12/2022 16:17

I bet she's after money.

MeridianB · 10/12/2022 19:22

This sounds like a lot to cope with but your priority is your children and your wellbeing, the security of your family and your marriage. Your DH can and should see his DD outside your home and only give her money that won’t impact his financial commitments to you and your children.

Did your youngest ever share any insight about their experiences with this woman?

ryantubridysthumb · 10/12/2022 20:20

She's his child too. He should build a relationship with her. She's going to be in his life forever no matter what. You do what you want but she has a right to be in touch with her own father if she wants.

TheYummyPatler · 10/12/2022 20:32

ryantubridysthumb · 10/12/2022 20:20

She's his child too. He should build a relationship with her. She's going to be in his life forever no matter what. You do what you want but she has a right to be in touch with her own father if she wants.

Did you read the OP. She’s told her husband that if he wants to try to build a relationship
with his oldest child (and he’s clearly got some reservations about that), then he’ll need to do it on his own.

She’s not stopped him in any way. Just drawn an appropriate boundary for herself and the younger children - based on what has happened in the past.

The argument was because of that. Not because she’s preventing him from seeing his child.

Actions have consequences. The adult SD has behaved dreadfully and caused some harm to the younger children already. Of course the OP is going to act in her children’s interests.

It makes perfect sense that he should try to rebuild a relationship with his daughter separately. If she has grown up and actually changed, then in time that can shift to a relationship with the rest of the family. That’s a totally reasonable way to approach this.

Frankola · 11/12/2022 13:02

Your own relationship, and that of your children, with SD is totally up to you. If your DP wants a relationship with his child then he should work on that. But you don't have to have one if you don't want to. Hopefully your DH understands this too.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/12/2022 17:45

I’ve said to my DH that if he wants to try and build a relationship with her he’ll have to do it on his own for now.

More than reasonable.

But he’s not keen on that.

Tough shit I’m afraid. It’s probably because he knows he needs you to share the inevitable nightmare to come. Stand firm and protect yourself. He won’t.

It’s already caused us an argument, he’s gone off to work today on bad terms.

I wouldn’t be arguing about it, there’s nothing to discuss and I’d be shutting it down if he tried to bully you into doing something that’s so risky to your well-being and that of your own DC.

No family money, no involving you and DC, no “arguing”, no further discussion.

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