AIBU for feeling a bit peeved off about this?

Sammi178 · 2022-12-05T11:13:32+00:00

Yesterday evening we were due to take DSD (9) to a local Christmas event near us which we go to every year. It’s nothing major, just a small Christmas market affair, stalls, some small rides etc. We told DSD our plans for the day and she said she’d already gone the weekend before with her mum and in her own words said ‘I did think it odd’. DSD’s mum lives an hour round trip away in a much larger town which has an abundance of Christmas events (and better ones!) so for the life of me I cannot imagine why she would come to the small event down the road to us. I feel really miffed about this as we’d bought tickets (we did still go) but it’s made me feel really funny. We wouldn’t dream of going to DSD’s mum local town to an event as it feels like it’s stepping on her toes. AIBU to think this is a tad odd???

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thestepmumspacepodcast · 05/12/2022 11:24

Nope!

One slant could be: She'd heard SD say how brilliant it was and thought she'd give it a try.

More likely - she was jealous of you/didn't want SD having magical experiences with you / was trying to be difficult/can't think of good things to do with her DD so pinches your ideas...

I also think it's odd.... You aren't alone xx

RandomPerson42 · 05/12/2022 11:34

Not only odd but silly, selfish and tactless.

wickedstepmothfker · 05/12/2022 13:12

Depends whether she knew in advance?

Original poster

Sammi178 · 05/12/2022 13:49

wickedstepmothfker · 05/12/2022 13:12

Depends whether she knew in advance?

I mean no we don't tell her our plans for the weekend. It's just a local Christmas fair miles away from where she lives, not Winter Wonderland!

OP posts:

wonder113 · 05/12/2022 14:03

Maybe the mum was in the area anyway (say visiting friends) and thought it'd be nice to go?

Whether this is an odd behaviour also depends on what she's like normally and does she have form for these sort of things

Original poster

Sammi178 · 05/12/2022 14:21

wonder113 · 05/12/2022 14:03

Maybe the mum was in the area anyway (say visiting friends) and thought it'd be nice to go?

Whether this is an odd behaviour also depends on what she's like normally and does she have form for these sort of things

Yes maybe, although she doesn't have any family this way and wasn't an area she used to travel to before my partner & her were divorced, although I hope that it is a logical explanation like this...The fact that my DSD actually said she thought it odd makes me think there wasn't another reason as to why they were in the area but we didn't ask questions or pry....

She certainly wasn't the easiest to deal with the first 2 years of our relationship, lots of issues (e.g. lots of hounding my partner with messages, controlling behaviour, court applications that came to nothing), but it's been fairly 'normal' the past 18 months I would say. DSD did mention a few weeks ago she'd split with her boyfriend so not sure if this is related in anyway. Again I really hope not!

OP posts:

mondaytosunday · 05/12/2022 15:15

Well that is too bad. What died her father think? It's up to him to address it if it bothers you both that much, though I think that world just exacerbate things. But I'd be put out too if my husband's ex did that to us (we lived across the street from a fantastic school Christmas fair we went to every year. I don't think she ever went before I married her ex so would have been odd for her to suddenly go).

Lilithslove · 05/12/2022 16:03

If it's a one off and she had no reason to know that you were going then I would give her the benefit of the doubt. If she keeps showing up in your town and doing stuff the week before then worry.

IAmTi · 05/12/2022 17:48

We had something similar. DH said to bring all their gift vouchers in the holidays and planned a trip to the nearest large shopping centre as its quite near us. They got here and they'd been there on the way and spent all the vouchers with mum!

ChampagneBlossom44 · 05/12/2022 18:23

Ooooh we have plenty of this! It used to bother me, but really now, I just let it go. I see it that the girls will still enjoy it twice in the same way that I never tire of the same glass of wine in the same pub with different people, and if they don’t want to go we’ll do something else. And if mum gets a little kick out of what she sees as sabotage then jokes on her. In the same vein she’s taken them on some ‘surprise’! expensive trips that she knew we were planning & frankly it’s a shame but just speaks of a lack of creativity on her part. It’s definitely been much less funny when she asked us to get a specific large gift for Christmas that they’d open with us on Boxing Day, to find out that she bought the exact same for them to open at hers on Christmas Day, (that was genuinely upsetting & I hated her in the moment, seeing their little despondent faces) but even that, the disappointment caused to the children was her action even if the girls blamed us in the moment. I’ve since been much more careful with Christmas & I think she was probably a bit ashamed of that one, we‘ve compared lists every year since & it never happened again.

I would say (easier to say than do) pick your battles & let the petty things she may do go, don’t stoop to her level & engage with her about it (I know I’ve been guilty of this and I don’t feel great about her knowing she upset me, why play into their hands) and if you can, benefit of doubt that it wasn’t deliberate, unless this starts happening an awful lot.

CornishGem1975 · 05/12/2022 21:11

Yeah, this competitive shit happens a lot. If there's a new film out that DSD or DSS would want to see she'll break her neck to make sure that she gets to take them.

hourbyhour101 · 06/12/2022 18:13

ChampagneBlossom44 · 05/12/2022 18:23

Ooooh we have plenty of this! It used to bother me, but really now, I just let it go. I see it that the girls will still enjoy it twice in the same way that I never tire of the same glass of wine in the same pub with different people, and if they don’t want to go we’ll do something else. And if mum gets a little kick out of what she sees as sabotage then jokes on her. In the same vein she’s taken them on some ‘surprise’! expensive trips that she knew we were planning & frankly it’s a shame but just speaks of a lack of creativity on her part. It’s definitely been much less funny when she asked us to get a specific large gift for Christmas that they’d open with us on Boxing Day, to find out that she bought the exact same for them to open at hers on Christmas Day, (that was genuinely upsetting & I hated her in the moment, seeing their little despondent faces) but even that, the disappointment caused to the children was her action even if the girls blamed us in the moment. I’ve since been much more careful with Christmas & I think she was probably a bit ashamed of that one, we‘ve compared lists every year since & it never happened again.

I would say (easier to say than do) pick your battles & let the petty things she may do go, don’t stoop to her level & engage with her about it (I know I’ve been guilty of this and I don’t feel great about her knowing she upset me, why play into their hands) and if you can, benefit of doubt that it wasn’t deliberate, unless this starts happening an awful lot.

This Christmas present thing is just really diabolical? Who would do that to their own kids ? Did you say anything to her ?

Also the advice you put is spot on.

Laurdo · 07/12/2022 08:35

ChampagneBlossom44 · 05/12/2022 18:23

Ooooh we have plenty of this! It used to bother me, but really now, I just let it go. I see it that the girls will still enjoy it twice in the same way that I never tire of the same glass of wine in the same pub with different people, and if they don’t want to go we’ll do something else. And if mum gets a little kick out of what she sees as sabotage then jokes on her. In the same vein she’s taken them on some ‘surprise’! expensive trips that she knew we were planning & frankly it’s a shame but just speaks of a lack of creativity on her part. It’s definitely been much less funny when she asked us to get a specific large gift for Christmas that they’d open with us on Boxing Day, to find out that she bought the exact same for them to open at hers on Christmas Day, (that was genuinely upsetting & I hated her in the moment, seeing their little despondent faces) but even that, the disappointment caused to the children was her action even if the girls blamed us in the moment. I’ve since been much more careful with Christmas & I think she was probably a bit ashamed of that one, we‘ve compared lists every year since & it never happened again.

I would say (easier to say than do) pick your battles & let the petty things she may do go, don’t stoop to her level & engage with her about it (I know I’ve been guilty of this and I don’t feel great about her knowing she upset me, why play into their hands) and if you can, benefit of doubt that it wasn’t deliberate, unless this starts happening an awful lot.

What a shady thing to do! We would never consult SCs mother on xmas or birthday gifts. We get what we want and vice versa. If the kids end up with duplicate gifts that's fine as they'll have one at mums and one at ours.

If your SC mum is behaving like that, take a step back, sort things one your own and let her be her crazy self all on her own. There's no point trying to deal with or reason with someone that fucked up so cut contact to the absolutely necessary.

ChampagneBlossom44 · 07/12/2022 09:42

@Laurdo it was a case of trick me once, shame on me! We’ve generally compared big Christmas things since, where the kids ask us both for the same & luckily not had a problem since, I do also like having in writing what each of us are doing to allow this sort of pettiness to be addressed. Apart from that one blip (it was a big one to be fair) I know overall she wants her girls to be happy & she must have felt dreadful after. I don’t think it was thought out to hurt the kids, far more an impulsive swipe at DH that she hadn’t really considered the consequences on her little ones at the time.

Laurdo · 07/12/2022 09:55

ChampagneBlossom44 · 07/12/2022 09:42

@Laurdo it was a case of trick me once, shame on me! We’ve generally compared big Christmas things since, where the kids ask us both for the same & luckily not had a problem since, I do also like having in writing what each of us are doing to allow this sort of pettiness to be addressed. Apart from that one blip (it was a big one to be fair) I know overall she wants her girls to be happy & she must have felt dreadful after. I don’t think it was thought out to hurt the kids, far more an impulsive swipe at DH that she hadn’t really considered the consequences on her little ones at the time.

I'm glad it was just a one off. Sad that she put pissing off your DH above her kids happiness but glad to hear it's not happened since. 😊

maddy68 · 07/12/2022 09:59

Why is it odd? I travel quite a distance for days out if I have heard something is nice

You are being very strange

Equalitea · 31/03/2023 04:31

Odd behaviour if she did it intentionally, but if she did that then it sounds like it’s probably caused the desired effect. If she’s playing games don’t dwell on it, it’s not worth the headspace!