Should I just keep out of it??

[ItsTheSmallThings]

DH and DSD's mum have had a row and now not speaking to each other.

I've told DH to stop being so pathetic and that He HAS to speak to her. He refused.

I made him contact her yesterday however as DSD needs new shoes and i needed her shoe size as I'm going shopping with DD today so can get both pairs at the same time. Mum didn't answer.

This now leaves me in a position as I'm the one that does school pick up and drop offs during our weekends with her. I'm not sure after their row if contact is even still the same. What happens if there are any changes with DSD such as sickness from school, after school party?? I feel I need to know these things.

Should I try to contact mum direct, or should I just stay out of it and collect as normal, hoping there have been no changes.

Go shopping first thing Saturday, they don't get busy until 11am at the earliest

I’m not sure, if anyone actually thinks about from the DSD’s perspective, if being presented with trainers that may not fit in a style she hasn’t chosen (or been consulted about) is at all desirable.

It might be what’s most convenient for the OP and give a pretext for getting involved in her husband’s fight with his ex, but it’s really not a ‘two birds, one stone’ situation.

OP doesn’t have to go today either presumably. It’s what’s convenient for her.

A lot of people are missing the point and replying giving advice about how to buy DSD shoes. It isn’t really about the shoes, that was just an illustrative example. It’s about navigating the ongoing communication difficulties.

I would keep out of it and step back from initiating a role with sd - not in a passive aggressive way though . If asked just say to her dad , you couldn't help with that because you didn't get the information you needed and leave it with him. I would assume it'll all blow over , do your school runs as normal if there is a hic up due to non communication then cross that bridge then. Mum or dad can buy shoes , it doesn't seem a biggie.

But that is actually her husband’s problem. One he appears to have been instrumental in creating.

Why the obsession with shoes on this thread? Op clearly has an issue in that her dh and his ex are behaving poorly and now her dsd is likely to suffer, as is op.

Op, i would act as normal. Collect her as you normally would. Text mum re shoes (although feel.free to.roll your eyes as you do) etc.

This is exactly it.

I feel like the only adult in the situation to be honest.

I think I will just drop her a quick text as we get on better then she and DH

Be careful not to become the default person to contact for everything concerning DSD, I got into that situation with my exes kids over something tiny and was hard to get out of it again.
Can you let her choose a few online, try them on at home then send back the ones that don't fit?

Or, just as likely, the DSD may have said "I really want some white air max trainers" and OP just needs to know her size.

It's definitely not up to us to judge if OP should be buying the trainers today or not. That's not the point.

OP is trying to do something nice for her DSD and can't because her parents are being childish.
You're trying to present OP as controlling and I don't really get why ...

Op their childishness is making your life hard when you’re doing everything you can for their child. I would take a step back until they can communicate. So don’t buy the shoes or do any extras otherwise they’ll have no incentive to start talking and you’ll just be stuck in the middle. This includes if there’s an emergency get the parents to pick her up from school and make it clear to your partner that this is how you feel.

The only thing I would say is if the little girl is going to be upset that you haven’t bought her shoes do something else that shows you care.

This is a really good point. Even if we hadn't had an argument, one of the things I couldn't stand about ex when we were married was his fuckwittery, so no way would I help him out now we're divorced on something he can find out for himself.

I really wouldn't get involved unless you want a life of taking on responsibility for managing sd s needs along side the mum. I guess it depends how you see that dilemma .

@Rocksludge* It might be what’s most convenient for the OP and give a pretext for getting involved in her husband’s fight with his ex, but it’s really not a ‘two birds, one stone’ situation.

OP doesn’t have to go today either presumably. It’s what’s convenient for her.*

Jesus wept - how can you make op wanting buying shoes a bad thing

Why would they grow up and parent their dc when they have you? Step back op. Her df can take her for shoes.

My DP and his ex don't speak unless necessary, and even then it's a short email eg, "DD is off nursery sick, collect her from the house at 3pm". His ex has asked for my number but she had it previously and abused it so she's now blocked and will remain so. I also do most DO/PU from nursery. If there's any changes the ex will usually let DP know otherwise I find out when I turn up to nursery. In general DO/PU go smoothly without much change.

No idea how you can't know DSDs shoe size. Surely you know what size she wears and unless she's complained about shoes being too tight I'd go with her current size. Or just try them on when you take her.

Seems like you're looking for an excuse to be in contact with the mum. No idea why. From experience, you're better off just keeping your distance.

Would life be easier of exs could get on? Absolutely! But often that's not real life so we just have to get on with it as best we can.

Calling him pathetic is really nasty. They’ve had an argument, they’ll sort it or not, as they would if you weren’t around to hassle him about it. If you cant back him up then at least back off and leave them both to it. Buying shoes doesn’t have to be your job, you’re making a massive deal out of it when you can just decide not to. She’s got two parents, they can buy their child shoes. Okay you might want to get it sorted asap but if you can’t what’s the worst that can happen…

You’re a bonus, not a parent. Take a step back. It’s great you help him out so much by doing school runs, hopefully that’s something you’ve offered to do and are happy with. It doesn’t give you a right to slag him off or order him around. She’s his ex, not yours. You’re borrowing stress you can easily avoid by choosing to be less invested.

Have you actually read OPs posts? She isn't taking the SD shopping. How is she going to try them on her when she isn't there??

Kids feet grow. Sometimes faster than you expect, sometimes slower. Sometimes they jump up a size or a size and a half. Surely it's better to confirm you're buying the best size than taking a punt and possibly buying the wrong size?

I've never really seen the step mum hate on here before but starting to see it on this thread. Op is suddenly the bad guy for buying her SD shoes and not knowing her exact size?

I’m a step mum and very supportive of most step mums. It can be a constant balancing act and drama between the parents makes everything much harder. She’s not the bad guy for wanting to buy her SD shoes. She is asking for trouble by deciding this is worth adding to the existing stress and angst already going on. The girl isn’t going to be bare foot if OP doesn’t intrude in the upset and contact the ex or hassle her DH into speaking to his ex about something that doesn’t need to be dealt with immediately. It’s not her place to interfere, her DH can manage his relationship and communication with his ex. It’s not got for OP to decide she knows better. Decreeing herself the only adult of the 3 is frankly ridiculous. This isn’t an essential immediate medical decision that one or both of the parents needs to tackle today. It’s shoe shopping, mum or dad will sort it. Or not. But it’s still not OP’s job to get this invested and upset.

Just order the shoes online next time DSD is with you, based on the shoe size she is wearing that day. She's not going to be trying them on either way, so doesn't matter.

Other than that, let them crack on. Once there is an actual issue, highlight it. But whatever that issue is, it will be for them to resolve.

Is DH incapable of sorting out buying a pair of shoes? Why is this your responsibility? Step back and leave it to him.

And yet if she said her dsd’s shoes aren’t her problem I bet those same posters would have something to say about that too.

Honestly? Just stop facilitating this bullshit for them. Stop picking up the kids, doing the shopping, etc. Let him do it and sort his own bullshittery out.

I'd just stop doing any of it

Get them next time or order online next time she's round. It's she not going to be there when u buy them then no rush.

Leave them to it, don't get involved.