Contact issues

[mummydoorgirl]

Family dynamic is me with 2 DC and DP with 3 children, two from a long term marriage and one from a short term relationship where she was meant to be on the pill but took herself off to fall pregnant 'accidentally'.

Contact with the older two is fine and unproblematic, the ex is lovely and the kids are a credit to her. They come to us regularly with lots of flexibility and nothing is set in stone due to work commitments on both sides and the kids hobbies etc. It all works fine.
The issues are with the 3rd dc, the ex will stop contact as a method of control, this happens regularly. There is often unpleasantness at hand over or she refuses to hand over at all. More recently this took a more sinister turn when we received a call from social services to say they were following up on a complaint about my dd 6 being sexual towards dss also 6. They had been playing with dss's ipad at bedtime and he had filmed dd doing a dance, it was standard kiddy stuff but during the dance she pulls her nightdress over her head and exposes her 'breasts' if they could be described as such. DP's ex found the video and lept on this and basically referred to dd as a little seductress, said she was disgusting and perverted etc. SS saw no issue and referred to it as age appropriate play and that we might like to have a gentle word with both children but basically no issue in their eyes but they HAVE to contact us as a complaint had been made. The ex is now refusing contact again as he isn't allowed to see that 'disgusting little slut'. I'm honestly nervous about the whole situation as what accusation might be thrown around next, my DS is a teen and I worry something even worse could be thrown at him or me. Although false accusations might not lead to convictions lives get ruined in the interim, I've seen it happen. Can anyone offer some advise about how to proceed. DP obviously wants to keep contact with DS but without the barrage of abuse surrounding handovers and without putting the rest of the family at risk. I'm at the point of suggesting a contact centre which is horrid as we take holidays as a blended family and DSS gets left out of those already (ex's choice) and this will further remove him from the family dynamic. All the kids get on amazingly when they are together.

1. Handovers done though school, using a trusted third party in a public place near each house, and/or a public place with a witness present. Many separated parents do a mixture of this.

1. He asks her to go to mediation and work out a Parenting Plan. If they can't be in the same room then he should use shuttle mediation. The mediation should be concluded within 4 months. If it isn't getting anywhere or after the plan is written it isn't stuck to by her, then he needs to get a Child arrangements Order. He has in his favour his contact with his older children.

Is there any way of having contact with the DSS when your own children are at their fathers? To protect them from allegations, at least?

she is quite dictatorial about contact so having my children out of the way is tricky, I don't want my dc feeling they are expelled from their house because DSS is coming

the suggestion re third party handover in a public place was one I made too, DP can't think who to use, its a completely different dynamic to his ex where they had a full long term relationship and therefore mutual friends

DP can see DSS in public in a restaurant or something? Don't let your child suffer due to her actions.

They don't need a third party they can park for apart but still be able to see the child who can walk from one car to another. Utterly disgusting that it's come to that but so be it if that's what she wants for her child.

They don't need a third party they can park for apart but still be able to see the child who can walk from one car to another

That's fine for an 8/9 year old but a 6 year old shouldn't be walking across a car park on their own. That's why I didn't suggest it.

Also some parents, especially in cities, don't drive to do handovers.

Do your kids do every other weekend at their dad’s ? Just set up contact for the difficult’s ex’s son on the same weekends. She will look incredibly unreasonable if she doesn’t agree to that.

I’m not sure she sees any of her behaviour as unreasonable. I feel so sorry for dss, he already has loads of issue relating to anxiety, and an eating disorder. It so obvious to everyone what the problem is.