Discussion with ex - what would you ask?

[Lostmymindat44]

Hello!

I'll soon be meeting my ex and his girlfriend for a chat about how we co-parent with this new dynamic.

The kids (2 DDs, 8/10) will be with them 50/50 and its all new to us.

We get on fine, everything is amicable.

What would you ask? What should we cover? What are the sticky issues that come up that we should try and offset?

I think it's for me and my ex to establish boundaries, but I am keen to hear from her too about her expectations and what her worries might be.

Thanks!

Off the top of my head...

Have you already agreed a contact schedule, inc school holiday cover? Would be worth discussing how flexibility will work for you all - when one parent is sick or a child is sick, holidays, needing to swap time to visit family for special events etc.

It's worth bearing in mind that you may not get everything with the new schedule spot-on straight away and it may need some adjustment to work best - and adjustment as the children get older.

If your children have commitments for hobbies and parties will your ex be happy to support these in his time?

Will they have school uniform and clothes at both homes?

No maintenance due if 50:50 but have you discussed finances for school trips and any big one-off expenses?

I'd also expect your ex to ensure plenty of time alone with one/both children - although perhaps not something to raise at this meeting?

Good luck - sounds very civilised!

We used the parenting plan template from here to go through and it's done us really well over the last year :)

www.separatedfamilies.info/home/parenting-apart/parenting-agreements/

Will you have a clothing fund you pay into to cover the cost of shoes and clothing for the children? School lunches? Who pays? Childcare again who pays?

I would never have agreed to a meeting like this with dp's ex.

I would avoid interrogating her and make it clear that you realise that anything that she does for your child is appreciated and that you know she isn't obliged to provide money or childcare. The best thing you can do for your child is be nice to the woman and let your child build a relationship with her without feeling like they are being disloyal to you.

She is not a co parent and I'm not sure why posters are suggesting that you discuss financial things with her. That's up to you and the child's father.

Your ex's girlfriend is not a parent. Your ex is the parent.

The girlfriend has nothing to do with your arrangement and shouldn't be there at all.
She has as much legal responsibility towards your kids as I would have if I babysat them.

I suggest you tell your ex it is nice she wants to meet you but as you are the parents it is not appropriate for her to be there as you will be contacting him with any concerns about your children.

If you need a third party present you would have been better choosing a sensible mature friend, acquaintance, or even a family member.

Why is this only coming about now? Has he had no contact before now?

Or is this meeting purely because his girlfriend is now involved?

I would think the meeting should just be the parents. And if you do decide to have the GF there, then you you need to be honest. Someone suggested ensuring one on one time with dad and dc. I agree with that. I don't agree on having it as a separate conversation without the girlfriend there, or else what's the point of the meeting?

But I wouldn't be doing it in the first place, and I personally wouldn't be expecting anything from her. Any input dad wants her to have in his time is for the two of them to discuss. Everything else is. For you and him.

I think it's lovely that you're being so grown up about this and preparing and paving the way to her playing a role in your children's lives.

PP is right that many women wouldn't want to meet their partner's ex. But that's only relevant if you were demanding it and she wasn't keen. Instead it sounds like you're all on the same page and hoping to work well together. That's fab.

If I were you I'd keep in light for the first meeting. You don't want it to turn into some sort of contract or to feel like a transaction. And it sounds like you don't yet know her well enough to know what kind of role she might want to play.

I think the best thing would be to open lines of communication. Chat generally about childcare philosophies, and just get to know each other a bit. You can't predict now what issues might arise, so using this time to start a relationship so you can communicate about things in the future seems like an obvious first step.

How’s the meeting come about? Why now? What’s been happening till now? How long have they been together?

I’m a step mum and involved with my DSC while they’re here, I’m a parent in this house, but I’m not and will never be mum or dad to them and since they have both I’m not involved in parenting decisions unless they expressly involve me or our shared child. Any questions this woman has can surely be handled by your ex/her partner.

Hi all, thanks for the feedback.

To be clear, my ex and I already co-parent and have agreed finances and patterns etc and it's very clear that is between us.

This has come about as they're now living together and I wanted us to have a chat about our approach to it. Where the boundaries might be for the gf, answer any questions or concerns she has etc.

We already meet at handover etc so it's just a belt and braces conversation to be clear we're all on the same page about discipline (where she comes into that, if at all) upsets and issues etc.

What I don't want is for us to be assuming things about each other and then it causing an issue. It's not combative at all.

I do tend to operate on the basis of what goes in their house is their business, so it's not an attempt to influence that.

Thanks!

Yes, you have it here! This is what we're doing really. I really want us to work well.

This has come about as they're now living together and I wanted us to have a chat about our approach to it. Where the boundaries might be for the gf, answer any questions or concerns she has etc

Then I'd approach it from a "do you have anything you want to ask me about the kids that your partner can't answer" angle. I really don't get the need for a chat with her. Just make clear you don't expect anything from her in terms of parenting and she's a bonus. All your communication will be with your ex unless he's dead or incapacitated in which case here's your number.

Their dad should be able to talk to her about disapline why are you getting involved

Honestly I'd be terrified if DP's ex had summoned me to a meeting like this when I moved in with him.

I know you mean well OP but tread carefully as I would find this overbearing and bit odd and would feel like you were trying to control my relationship with the kids.

I would just continue being friendly with her and leave lines of communication open in case anything comes up. Having a formal meeting feels a bit too much for me.

Yes it seems like you are her employer or something but you are no one to her

I can see how this is coming off 😬 - I honestly have no skin in this game except the wellbeing of my kids and avoiding the type of miscommunication that plagued my marriage to the guy. Me and the ex both thought it was a good idea to see how we'd go about all of this and that's it really. No summoning has occurred. It's just a coffee. I'll maybe say to him not to bother with it.

That said, I suggested it a while back and things have settled into a routine.

If you've suggested coffee and she's said ok sounds good then I'd go along anyway now it's arranged just don't sit there and clarify your expectations other than hey I'm friendly don't feel you have to do anything for my kids you don't want to. Nice to meet you great to have an extra adult in Mt parents life.

I think it’s just a bit of an untrodden path for many people on here.

Agree with @Lilithslove now I understand the context better.