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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Advice needed please.

10 replies

Thewho21 · 27/11/2022 20:58

Hi

I am step Mam to my partners 5 year old. My partner has 50/50 custody, I love his daughter dearly and I treat her like my own. We have a fantastic relationship. I am heavily involved in her upbringing and have nothing against her mam. I am civil and friendly to her as I have no reason not to be but there have been some issues… She does not take her to the doctors, dentist, hospital when ill or needing treatment or simple things such as taking him to get her hair cut as she is autistic and has significant sensory issues and doesn’t cope well in these situations. All of this is left down to me to arrange and sort out as I am able to reassure her and keep her calm. The issue I currently have is she had an upset stomach and diarrhoea for two days when she had her last week and her Mam still sent her to school. She had accidents while at school resulting in having to wear another child’s pair of spare pants. We have DD today until the middle of the week and she still has diarrhoea so my partner rang her Mam and said he would not be sending her to school as she still has active diarrhoea. His mum said under no circumstances are we allowed to keep her off school as it is only diarrhoea. I explained to my partner that DD is still unable to clean herself after using the toilet and could potentially spread the infection to other children (most of the family have been ill with this the past 2 weeks). My partner said he is going to go with what Mam says and send her to school as he can’t be bothered with the aggravation from Mam (mam is a teacher at another school). I’m so angry that she is being sent to school when unwell and still having symptoms that she could pass on to others. Am I unreasonable to think this is wrong she is being sent to school? What should I do? My partner just agrees with whatever Mam says to save an argument. Thanks in advance for any advice.

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 27/11/2022 21:01

The school itself surely has a policy of not attending until 48 hours have passed since last vomiting or diarrhea?

And why didn't you just keep the child off school? Do you have to tell her mum everything? Just look after at your house as you see fit. As she does.

HariboReckoning · 27/11/2022 21:03

Tell your partner to grow a pair of balls and parent his child.

Original poster
Thewho21 · 27/11/2022 21:06

i am also surprised the school did not call her mum and send her home last week. Wouldn’t dream of keeping child off school without consulting mum. She can be very difficult so we consult her about everything involved with child. I’ve told partner to grow a pair of balls and stand up to her but it appears he is still yet to grow them.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/11/2022 21:11

She does not take her to the doctors, dentist, hospital when ill or needing treatment or simple things such as taking him to get her hair cut as she is autistic and has significant sensory issues and doesn’t cope well in these situations

If you feel this child is being neglected your partner should be doing what he can to have her full time. He’s enabling neglect by not doing so.

All of this is left down to me to arrange and sort out as I am able to reassure her and keep her calm.

Why?! Why isn’t her dad doing his job of looking after her? How was he managing before you arrived to do it all for him?

My partner just agrees with whatever Mam says to save an argument

Then he’s as useless as her mum is and while he doesn’t care about his child enough to put her needs above his own convenience wrt communicating with her mum then you’re trying to push water up hill.

You’re not her mum. She’s not yours. You alone can’t compensate for two crap parents.

To preserve your sanity you need to walk away or accept how things are (which is shit, I agree) and stop fighting it.

Original poster
Thewho21 · 27/11/2022 21:24

My partner is finding it difficult to come to terms with and understand the diagnosis of autism. He struggles to manage her meltdowns and hates to see her upset. He is actively seeking support to manage this. She also has developmental delay and before I came along she was non verbal and did not show much in terms of challenging behaviour until she was slightly older so he was able to manage her alone. I couldn’t walk away and leave as I love them both dearly. So I suppose I’ve answered my own question and just grin and bare it.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/11/2022 21:28

Who arranged the autism diagnosis?

Sprouttreesareamazing · 27/11/2022 21:30

The thing is while you parent HIS dc HE has no need to....

Original poster
Thewho21 · 27/11/2022 21:33

The child’s nursery arranged diagnosis.

OP posts:
medicatedgift · 27/11/2022 21:40

Your partner needs to step up. Why is he allowing his child to be so neglected?

Pebbledashery · 28/11/2022 11:45

Your problem is your partner.

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