How involved are you in bringing up your step kids b

[organictomatoes]

I see my two partner’s son 3/14 nights usually.

One is an autistic teenager who’s very challenging. He has a phone or gaming device in his face morning til night. The games he plays are often highly stimulating and if asked to get off them he will kick and scream and sometimes really hurt people. If he has a meltdown he’s asked what device or game he needs to soothe himself. It’s all just meltdowns and games, basically. I often get whacked.

Now I do know about autism. I’m an SEN teacher. I have an autistic child of my own, who has a lot of challenges but is currently sat upstairs doing guitar practice and has not hit anyone for 3 years, thanks to a combo of therapies and interventions and, luckily, divorced parents who fell out of love amicably and are totally on the same page regards upbringing.

For his son, I’ve convinced my partner to try reward charts, visual timetable, Lego, fidget toys, turn-taking games, social stories, sensory rooms, making paper planes etc etc. He has taken it all on board enthusiastically. When we had the kid for a long stretch in the summer hols he made enormous progress. But then it’s back to mums and 24-7 gaming and phones (per a disability social worker report, as I’d never just believe anything a man says about his ex). And because mum actually argues that the kid ‘can’t cope’ with being away from screens and they are meant to be co-parenting, my partner doesn’t want to do things too differently to how they are done at mum’s. Autistic kids do require a lot of consistency. My question, I guess, is how much I should worry about this child and actually try to ‘help.’ .I love him. But I can’t practically see him more and I worry about doing things so differently to the bio-mum it’s just too confusing for the kid. I also realise I sound really judgemental and that is a risk for my relationship. So…Step back and let them get on with it????

Being a sp in my opinion is a hell of a lot of "you can love your sc to death and still not be able to fix whatever weird dynamics maybe at play at mum or dads or both".

Especially if mum and dad aren't on the same page. Consistently is the only way to tackle some problems and some people just can't with their ex's (for whatever reason)

It's horrible for the scs but you can't fix it. Even if you want to.

I think you’re right. Thank you for your kind reply. I read a psych report that my partner had done for his son that said they really need consistency between both bio parents. My way might be a good way but it’s not my kid. I can only support when asked to I guess. I tell myself that had I not met my partner I wouldn’t know this boy at all.

I'm not gonnna lie it's the worst part of step parenting.

Especially since it's usually so fecking crystal clear what needs to happen.

Honestly it used to keep me awake at night
My DSC is autistic and my god it was like pushing shit up hill with mum. Sadly,and I like her for what that's worth.

Some people just want to stay in the way position they have always done and sadly you can't force people to care, tricky when contact you make progress and then it rolls back when they go.

Basically it sucks but take it from long standing sm and mum. This is one of those situations your gonna have to let it go 😞

In the same** bloody baby and phone

In this scenario your dp should be considering whether his son living 11/14 with his mum is the right balance, your dss deserves more

Really it's down to his 2 parents to be consistent and put things in place to manage his behaviour better. If they aren't doing that you'll just drive yourself crazy if you get too involved. This is the hard thing about step-parenting.

We have my DSD who is 4 50% and I'm heavily involved in her upbringing. Her dad is a great dad, we have a strict routine and boundaries in place at our house. The same can't be said for her mum's house. We drove ourselves crazy worrying about what was and wasn't happening when DSD was at her mum's but the thing is it's totally out with our control. We can only do our best for her when she's with is and honestly she seems to take going from one house to another in her stride.

It's hard when you love a child and know they deserve better when their own parent can't be bothered to put the effort in.

DP has his kids more than 3/14 @gogohmm but I see them this much as I have my own childcare commitments. We kept the houses/schools/custody arrangements we had already when we met and live across our two homes. Didn’t want to unsettle the kids with custody disputes or new schools etc. @gogohmm I initially thought the same as you but I have a lot of sympathy for bio mum. Dad has me to support him. Bio mum doesn’t have this support. She and my partner created the kid’s problems between them and he’s definitely not blameless - when I met him he was also a struggling lone parent and not doing much right, IMO. I think it might destroy her mentally if we ganged up on her to reduce her access time. And kids really really need their mums. I basically encourage my partner to tell her about his parenting successes to give her more confidence to try things out. ATM she’s being stubborn and also trying the preferred parent strategy. When we buy a load of Lego and book equine therapy, the autistic DSS will say initially he hates this and wants to only do his gaming. Mum will then message saying ‘I’ve put 7 gaming devices in his school bag and told him he can play them all weekend at yours.’ I’m hoping this doesn’t last.

I totally see what you mean about driving oneself crazy @Laurdo. But… It sounds like you’re doing a very good job and it’s great that your DSD can switch between different files and routines as she switches homes. It’s a bit different with an autistic child as they generally struggle with transitions and have quite a fixed mindset. My teenage DSS will melt down when Tesco change the packaging on a food item he likes. He needs everything the same, and even if what I try to do is for his benefit it’s negated by the fact any change to routine is so hard for him. This may sound like I’m throwing in the towel. But if I’m not helping then is it worth the effort and anguish?

(Homes not files oops)

@hourbyhour101 thank you. I’ll definitely allow myself to learn from your experiences here. I guess I can support my partner and be a sounding board. And when I see him struggling I can suggest stuff to try. But I won’t be setting rules for our household that are too different to what goes on in the other house. I also suspect, sadly, that now DSS is in his teens it’s too late to change much.

I think you should stay out of it. How long have you actually been in this kid's life? I think we all look at other people and often think we can do better. The fact is this is not your child. You have minimal contact and actually no responsibility at all. You and your partner could separate tomorrow and you would never see this young person again. It really isn't down to you to change his routines.

I broadly agree with this, thank you.

@organictomatoes honestly it will do your nut but whatever he turns out to be or not won't be a reflection on you.

Also ignore any nasty comments on here, I got told once on here that it wasn't fair on mum that I was paying for a horse to be kept for my DSC out my own money - go figure 😵‍💫

I have actually suggested mum go riding with DSC (borrow my horse and all the gear) but she said it was to much hassle. Anyway horse therapy I really rate for autistic children

You sound like a lovely sm btw 💐

Thank you @hourbyhour101 you sound like a lovely SM too. If I have any skin in the game here it’s that I’d really prefer that the DSD did not hit me. He’s a big lad now and it can really hurt. We’ve done the horse therapy and it was brilliant btw.

Yeah I know your situation is totally different from mine and autistic kids definitely do need more consistency and stability. If both parents can work together to provide this I don't think there's much you can do. You sound like a lovely stepmum and it's a shame you seem to be more concerned about your DSS than his parents but really you need to leave it down to them. Of course make suggestions to your DP but if he doesn't take them on board or discuss with his ex take a step back. You've done your best, his parents need to step up. It's so hard when you just want the best for them.

@organictomatoes I'm firmly of the belief that horses know things we don't give them credit for, and funnily enough DSC beloved horse stepped on her foot in fear of a plastic bag 🙄, and we explained the parallel that's like what happens you get freaked out and you hit others and the penny dropped.

She hasn't gone mad in ages. It's bastardly expensive but imo worth it.

@hourbyhour101 we had sth similar with my dog, who bites when there are new ppl in the house, or anything else which makes him anxious. Explained this to child without relating it to him directly and saw a little lightbulb go on.