Rock & a hard place

[Pamela1979]

I’m new here but need advice..genuinely
My step daughter lives with myself & husband (her father) along with her 2 sisters. She has regular contact with her Mum however it’s been more sporadic last few months. My dilemma is this..we have never asked for child support as her mum wasn’t in position to provide it & we felt that time was more important but now she is older everything costs so much more so we have asked for a contribution which has been met with absolute vitriol, I don’t know whether to apply for it via maintenance service or just leave it..any advice using service is welcome

Hmmmmm tough one. What were the high level terms of their original divorce?

Can we assume that she still gets some spousal maintenance from your husband? Or did she receive one big payment, so 50% of their entire assets went to her, then he was left with all child support until adulthood? Have her Personal finances changed since then?

If you were dealing with an absent father the advice would be to go straight to the cms.

Sorry me again, but strikes me that if your husband is paying both spousal and child maintenance to his ex wife, BUT we now hear that daughter lives with dad….so child maintenance needs shifting to a fairer place in this case.

Was the ex wife pleased with what she got first time around from her divorce? What is going to be her likely angle to avoid reaching into her wallet ?

You’re making a huge amount of assumptions here.

Spousal maintenance is very rare.

There’s nothing to suggest that the OP’s husband and his ex were ever married and divorced.

Why would you think he’s paying child maintenance to his ex for a child that lives with him?

Yes I was actually just trying to understand a few basics, had made no concrete assumptions as yet. I was trying to set the full existing financial scene and who covers what….then I would be able to have a go at creating a business case to talk her through that might get her onboard.

I would go via CMS, then it's up to them to look at her finances and capacity to pay, and if she thinks it's unreasonable she can argue it with them not your husband.

My husband wasn’t married to his daughters mother & no financial compensation was made by him to his ex partner as no divorce but they did spilt assets (home/car etc) but I’m not sure that’s important. My SD is the only child they had together & we all got on well enough until now. It’s so difficult

OP, you're only going to get a mixed bag of opinions on here. Your best move is to get some legal advice. Most family solicitors offer first consultation for free.

It is tough. Realistically could she afford to contribute? Enough to make it worthwhile to set up and administer etc….the numbers need to be worthwhile.

Ok Thanks, I’ll get advice elsewhere

I'd go via the cms, or at least tell my DH to.
Which is the same advice I'd give a mum who was the resident parent. Can't believe how many PPs haven't suggested that.

Go through CMS. It's what people would tell a mum to do.

Yes I thought that was odd.

Has your husband previously been paying maintenance when the mum was the primary carer?

The responses here baffle me, she is the child's mother and parent and has a responsibility to contribute to the care of her child, just as a non resident father would do. Your DH either speaks to her and comes to an agreement they are both satisfied with in terms of what she contributes or you make an application for CMS. You don't need legal advice and to my mind it isn't complicated.

If you had reversed the sexes and not mentioned your step role you would receive an avalanche of responses telling you to push for all maintenance entitled to. Your partner should proceed via CMS.

these responses are astounding. Of course the mother should be paying child maintenance. She’s a nonresident parent!

it makes no difference what the divorce settlement was, or whether she can ‘afford it’.

The child doesn’t live with her and contact is ‘sporadic’.

The CMS will do an assessment based on her income and number of overnight stays.

Go to the CMS.
If the gender roles were reversed there is no way you’d be getting responses like ‘can she afford it’

Is she getting associated benefits for dsd? Child benefit for example? My exh continued to claim even when ds moved here. Was easy to make a counter claim ime.

Welcome to Mumsnet OP, where men and step parents belong firmly in the wrong and mothers are beyond reproach.

I really don't see why it's even in question. Go to CMS

We are in the same position; as DDs mum doesn’t work the most we’d get in maintenance is £30 a month so we’ve never bothered pursuing it as it’s just not worth it but I have inwardly wondered if we’d ask for something if she started working. Personally I’d follow it through CMS if it was for an amount that would make an actual difference; DH paid a significant amount in child maintenance for years and I don’t see why she should not just because she’d put up a fight

It’s not a hard one at all. She’s not the non resident parent, she’s obliged to pay towards the child she doesn’t live with it. It’s an easy one, a blindingly obvious one and feelings don’t come in to it. It’s her kid too, she needs to cough up. Get him to apply today, who gives a shit if she’s not happy about it. You won’t get it back dated and life is more expensive by the week so tell him to get on with it. What’s the worst she can do, see her DD even less?!

Ridiculous responses from the usual suspects. Just waiting for someone to suggest it’s not faaiirr this child lives her with dad as kids belong to their mothers.

The money is for the child living in your household who costs money to feed and clothe - irrespective of her other parent’s circumstances. If she’s earning she pays.

That's £30 a month the kids are missing out on