Struggling with SD

[Leaconners]

Bit of background….
My SD is 20, been with her dad 4 years. She spent 3.5 years not wanting to spend anytime with us, generally being a pain in the bum and only seeing us if we were taking her somewhere she wanted to go.

6 months ago we adopted a LO (1YO) she now expects to spend every waking minute with us and wants to do everything with our LO. As soon as it’s bed time she wants taking home. Her mum and stepdad have recently separated and they’ve had to move house.

I can’t get it out my head that she’s using us because she only wants to see our LO or demands to be taken out for tea. It’s driving me insane. She’s kicking off that we don’t invite her places, but she’s spent 3.5 years saying no to everything! She drives me up the wall with our LO. As she’s adopted, we had to really enforce that me and her dad were the only ones to feed/care for her so we could form a good attachment. She’s not happy about that. She has no respect for how I feed her or want to bring her up (giving her flaming hot monster munch when I’m out of the room) She also tries to teach her things like sticking her middle finger up.

I get that she loves LO, but I just don’t feel like I like her very much anymore. We can’t seem to do anything without her now. I try hang back and let her play with LO because I get accused of not letting her do anything.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t talk to my partner about it and it’s at the point where I get really pissed off when she’s round and I’m struggling to hide it now.

On the flip side, I also have a SS15 and he’s a delight! (Different mums)

Ok quite a bit to unpack here...

Is she trying build a bond between you, DP & DD because she's recently lost that with her DM & SD? You say you've been with your DP for 4 years and she's not been that involved for 3.5 years, have you given her the opportunity to be involved? She was already nearly an adult when you met, so it will never be a traditional parent/child dynamic between you.

As she is 20, why is she dictating when you ferry her around, she is an adult and surely should be getting herself to and from places? Why is she demanding to be taken out for tea, she is an adult, say no.

I also understand you wanting to protect your bond with your DD, but don't underestimate how important that sibling relationship is either, unless your SD is overstepping in a big way, I'd take a breath. If it was your own DD sneaking your other DD a snack would you be that upset? She won't be using you to see your DD she probably wants to see her new sibling? I'd feel grateful she has embraced her into the family, would you prefer that she didn't want anything to do with her?

I think you need to reframe how you are looking at the relationship, she wants to be involved with you all, maybe give it a try.

We always got on really well, and she’s always been invited to do things, just turned us down to go out with boyfriends/mum/or would ask what we were having for tea. If it want what she wanted, she would say no thanks. I’ve never had to parent her or tried too, as you said she was an adult when I met her so treated her like one.

So when she was between 8-15, when my partner was with his ex, they had 4 kids between them, his ex didn’t work, so they had little money to do anything, no holidays, no eating out etc. I am in no ways rich, but we when we met, we had two houses (we have extra income from renting one now) I hadn’t any children, have my own business (that she came to work at as a teenager) my partners had a promotion. So we have a lot more disposable income now and do go away a lot and eat out often.

Her little brother has always come to stay with us most weekends so we do things (that she’s turned down) so she then demands to be taken out during the week when convenient for her using the classic ‘well you took xxx out at the weekend) She is very jealous of what my SS gets to do with us and what our LO is going to get as she grows up. She hated my partners ex, so never went to stay at weekends and barely spent any time with them, so my partner now jumps to her anytime she wants anything.

I do want them to have a lovely relationship, that’s not my issue really other than her not respecting my ways of parenting (her mum let her drink blue wkds at 10 so she thinks that’s normal) She shouldn’t be having monster munch at 9 months old.

This is sounding like I’m really jealous of her in some way, maybe I am a little. But I just don’t think I like her very much as a person either.

It sounds like she's not wanting to be left out and has realised at 20 she's not a little girl anymore so is demanding stuff from her dad.

How does he react to her demands.

I do want them to have a lovely relationship, that’s not my issue really other than her not respecting my ways of parenting (her mum let her drink blue wkds at 10 so she thinks that’s normal) She shouldn’t be having monster munch at 9 months old.

If you've asked her repeatedly and DH isn't stepping up then I'd shout at her or tell her she is not allowed anywhere near your daughter. If she is doing things like that and not listening to you she could end up injuring your daughter

He jumps to them which I completely understand. She’s not been interested for so long, now she wants to be around him he’s enjoying it. As soon as she gets a new boyfriend she’ll sack us off again!

I think I’m just used to it being us most of the time and now I’ve got this spoilt 20 year old in my house all the time creating a different atmosphere that I’m not overly keen on.

One more thing whilst I’m getting it off my chest, she fills her bag with drinks and snacks before she goes home which pisses me off 😂

He's doing her no favours then

Nope!

Egh this is a lot.

If she starts with oh you took DC to the park last weekend, I would be like great ok grab your coat I will take you there now. And actually go to the park.

Re 20 year old - it's ok to say sorry no taxi driving from me thank you. Re snacks unless she's not got anything at home and isn't feed (to your knowledge) put them where she can't find them.

Although I will say this all of this is fairly typical of a child that has been damaged and she's grown into a adult with that damage. The best thing your DP can do is to try and set healthy boundaries to try not to compound that damage (not implying he was the root cause of it)

Re atmosphere and general behaviour - I would speak to her and say if you do that with Dc again (teaching her to stick her middle finger up at you at aged 9months 😵‍💫) you will not be welcome here as protecting my Dc is of upmost importance. And let DH go into meltdown, over it explaining what if she teaches Dc to do something that would seriously mame it hurt Dc.

Btw congratulations on your arrival mama ❤️

Thank you 💕

Haha, will definitely offer to take her to the park 😂

She has a full time wage so is more than capable of buying her own snacks if she wanted them! It’s an entitlement thing for her I think.

She’s never known her parents together (they were young when they had her and split not long after) She’s had a couple of different stepmoms/dads who have all tried to win her over but have spoilt her instead and now she expects to get her own way all the time which does not happen with me. It’s definitely affected the way she is now as an adult.

She didn’t even want us adopt a little girl because she wouldn’t be the only female granddaughter/daughter 🙄

I find myself pre empting what she might want/do and making sure I do the opposite which is not healthy! I don’t want to be like this, but I can’t help myself at the minute

You have a HUGE DH problem.

He needs to acknowledge the guilt he has about not seeing her and come to terms with the fact that he can’t resolve it or fast-track a happy relationship with his DD by saying yes to her and running around after her. Be really honest with him about how unhealthy this is for everyone, including his DD. Encourage him to spend 1:1 time with her - time and trust are what matters here, not taxis and dinners.

Meanwhile I would not leave her alone with your baby for one second. Never. Feeding inappropriate food and teaching a 9mo to stick her finger up? And your DH thinks this is all fine because he’s trying to build bridges? I’d have zero tolerance for this. And dial down the intensity of the time with her and the baby.

This should be a happy, special time - early months with so much crucial development and time you won’t get back. Don’t let anyone spoil it by trying to make it all about them.

As you've said, it's so vital to form a bond when adopting a child. I would stop the hanging back and letter DSD play all the time. Also tell her off when she's feeding her inappropriate food. Your LO's bond with you and your partner is so much more important than hurt feelings from a grown woman.

I'd make it clear to my partner that you two need to be spending significant time together with LO alone. There might be some support and information you can get from the adoption team as well.