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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Wrong attitude? or am i over reacting???

17 replies

TheLadyEvenStar · 31/01/2008 03:32

I have been with dp for 2 yrs now. We are a happy family him, ds1 ds2 and myself. The problem lies with his ds from a previous relationship.

When I first met dp and before we got together we would often talk, him about the problems he had seeing his ds and me about the problems i had getting my ds1's father to see him. Somewhere along the journey we ended up in a glorious relationship, where I have done all I can to encourage him to see his ds although he had given up all hope with the problems his ex was putting in the way. He would at her beck and call hand over £80 every few weeks for new shoes for his ds....he is almost 14 now and every school (and i mean every) holiday the ex has his feet measured and buys shoes in clarkes. Now I had to draw the line somewhere especially as we are, although comfortable, not wealthy people. So i advised dp to make regular payments to ex to prevent this.....She said £100 a month, fine no problems there. I fell pregnant with ds2 and gave birth in september 2007. DP's ds was happy to know his "step brother" as he had been told he was, I soon corrected him and explained he was his half brother, although i prefer the term brother. DSS still insists he is his step brother, whatever!!!!

We have taken dss to euro disney with us, booked a holiday for last august and were told we ccouldn't take him at the last minute. Every time dp or I call to make arrangments to see dss unless we have the money to take him to a place of his choice namely theme parks, bowling, seaside, or to buy him a game for the wii, xbox 360, psp, ps2 or the computer he won't come out. I have now had enough and have told dp that dss attitude stinks, he is not a bank and should not be made to feel guilty by his 13 yr old for not being with his mum. They split up a long time before i met him.

A prime example was 2 weeks ago we were going to take ds1 and ds2 swimming so suggested to dp we ask dss to come along, well as it turned out due to circumstances we just didn't have the money, when i explained this to dss his answer was
"well in that case I am too busy"

Next week is dss 14th birthday and he has told us on more than one occassion he wants 2 games for the Wii and 1 for the x-box 360, we just don't have the money for that, we have a 4 month old baby, a 9 yr old child, rent, bills etc. I have said to dp he can have one but not all 3 as we have other things to do with our money. Its not the fact that we have to spend on him, hell i would be furious if dp didn't, its the fact that this boy is so demanding.

At first DP couldn't see what I was getting at, then i asked him a question

"if ds1 said to you or implied, i don't want to spend time with you on your day off unless you are going to take me somewhere what would your reaction be" DP quickly replied "I would tell him not to be rude and to accept that we can not always go out on demand"

So i then asked "why is it ok for dss to make these demands then?"

DP looked at me and said "He is totally spoilt and wants it all his own way, and i don't know how to say no, but i guess i will have to learn to"

I am not begrudging of anything when it comes to dss in fact i really like the boy although at times he is very annoying as he is very very immature for his age, 14 going on 8 i would say. Its just I have a problem with dp being treated like a mug. DP has now seen what i have been trying to tell him for himself when last weekend he asked dss to come over and he said where are you taking me so dp told him nowhere and he replied well when you can afford to take me out call me up.
DP was at the time arranging a weekend away for us all as a belated b'day pressie for me, he is now doing so without including dss, part of me feel guilty but part of me thinks it will teach dss not to be so demanding....

sorry just needed to get it all off my chest.

OP posts:

milou2 · 31/01/2008 07:49

Yes, I agree, it looks as if it's about saying no.

It is actually very hard to learn how to say no in a way that's loving and cheerful. All the best to your DP in his journey of no! The fact that he's realised what is at the root of the problem is great.

LadyVictorianSqualor · 31/01/2008 07:55

I read a recent thread of yours too I think LadyEvenstar about this, DP does need to learn to put his foot down but I imagine it's extremely painful for him to acknowledge that his son only wants to see him for some sort of financial gain, so tread carefully.

Good Luck.

reflection · 31/01/2008 18:40

It may not be that dss would not see DP at all if he didn't ever get taken out. It could be that Dss has learn't how to manipulate his Dad. Once he realises that this is no longer going to work he may just settle into seeing you all at home spending time together. I just hope that your DP can hang in there and continue to hold out the offers of time together even if they are returned, as this must be very painful.

I think that your reaction is valid. I would feel the same. Hope things improve.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenStar · 03/02/2008 20:22

I am now even more angry, dss calls dp today and tells him he wants £100 star wars lego for his b'day. I am going to tell him how i feel as if we cannot afford to buy ds2 new nappies and i have to get them second hand how can we afford £100 maintenance and £100 lego???

OP posts:

jammi · 04/02/2008 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

minorityrules · 04/02/2008 09:48

£100 a month is pittance, £25 a week???? Sorry but he should be paying more to help raise this boy

How much do you spend on your children at birthdays? Presents? Partys? I would spend the same on each of the children

Original poster

TheLadyEvenStar · 04/02/2008 11:05

its what she wanted. and same amount normally spent on b'days don't do parties though. and ds2 is too young yet anyway lol.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheLadyEvenStar · 05/02/2008 23:28

Minority,
£100 a month is what she asked for and thats what she gets. Last yr for dss's b'day we spent £180 on a tv he demanded....|we spent £20 on ds1 who asked for a pair of heely style trainers. Xmas we spent £200 on ds1 and £80 on dss so it balances out. Last year we booked to go to eurodisney but a week before we were due to go we were told dss could not come, we went anyway. We then booked to go to a holiday camp in gt yarmouth and 3 days before we were due to go guess what we were told dss couldn't come. This yr we have booked to go to the holiday camp and dp has said he is not bothered if dss comes or not as he is fed up with it all oh and we are also booking a fortnight in spain, dss won't be allowed to come as it is during school time. But we have to book it around dp's holidays from work. As for the monthly payments she gets what she asked for and at the end of the day we are a family and we need to survive financially as well as dss being brought up...and if she was so skint how the hell does she afford 4 weeks in ireland, 2 in egypt, 1 in tunisia, and one in germany plus 3 weekends in paris and that was last year.

Ds1 is not my dp's biological son but he is his son in every sense of the word.....he doesn't demand things well unless he is being a spoilt 9 yr old. And before you ask or anyone else asks no I dont get anything from ds1's father nor does he see him, which is why I have always tried to encourage dp to not give up and to make regular payments as I know how difficult it can be. the ex and I have never not got on and she has said to me on many occassion please stop asking dp to phone and make arrangments dss will let you know when he wants to come out to the next day trip with you. So no I am not to blame here.

OP posts:

soapbox · 06/02/2008 00:20

Your DP has a financial obligation to support his DS1 and he is getting away with a BARGAIN level of support.

I think that your DP should treat his DS in the same way as he treats all the otehr children of the family wrt presents. Set a budget for presents and days out per child which is teh same for each child and stick to it. If one gets £50 on presents, they all get £50. If one goes swimming each week, they all go swimming etc etc.

It really isn't difficult to be fair, and of course DSS's behaviour is all about testing out how he gets his fair share of DP's time and money. It is an immature way of going about it, but hell, he is a child!

Original poster

TheLadyEvenStar · 06/02/2008 00:42

soap a 14yr old child. dss has more spent on him than any of the 3 as we pander to him. my ds1 is 9 and doesn't behave this way fgs. time with his dad is offered over and over again but unless we have the money to go out he won't come even if it is just to see dp. he will only call if he wants something bought not just to speak to his dad.

OP posts:

alittleone2 · 06/02/2008 10:40

Message withdrawn

Hassled · 06/02/2008 10:48

I think you're absolutely right to be making a stand, and agree that you need to be gentle with your DP - it must have been an awful realisation that his son is taking the mickey like this.
You said that the DSS is immature - boys do change at a bewildering rate when they're teenagers and he may be very different, and a lot nicer, in a year's time, so hang in there and don't let the attempts at contact stop.

georgedontdothat · 06/02/2008 10:56

I bet you spend more than £25.00 a week on your dc

and childrens feet do grow very fast so why shouldn't he buy him shoes ?

Brangelina · 06/02/2008 11:05

I think the point here is not the £100 a month, which the boy's mother apparently asked for and is quite happy about, but the attitude of the child himself. I think the point the OP is trying to make is not the cost of the demands in themselves, but the actual act of pandering and being held to ransom.

I can identify with this to some extent as my stepson sometimes does the same, although in his case it's more a "oh I need a new computer/PS game/designer jacket, let's ring dad" or else a "are we going skiing? No? Oh, then I'll have to let you know/will have to get back early" I'm not particularly worried about the financial aspect of it as long as our DD doesn't have to miss out on something in order to fund dss's something else. I'm just worried that when my DD is older she will see that he gets what he wants immediately whereas I believe more in a wait till your bday/Xmas/save up for it yourself type scenario.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenStar · 06/02/2008 21:15

Lets see George, i buy monthly shopping, ds1 goes to school, other activities include parks, museums, things that don't cost anything. DS2 is 4 months old, for him i spend £8 a week on baby milk, his food is whatever we as a family eat, he is in washable nappies so i don't spend there unless you count washing and drying them. So no i don't spend more than that a week on my dc. DS1 has new shoes in september and wears them until he either grows out of them or scuffs them up too badly to be polished.

OP posts:

KaySamuels · 06/02/2008 21:33

Hi there ladyevenstar, I had this problem with my eldest dss a while back, exactly the same with demands for expensive activities, take aways and presents. DP eventually took a stand, but was upset when he realised how much he was being manipulated, oldest dss did stop coming for a while, but now he spends more time here than he ever has in the past, we all get on great (probably as there is no simmering resetnment), and he and ds have a great bond (a while back I was worried ds would begin to resent eldest dss).

It will be hard for your partner, but he should just keep inviting him, last weekend we all put welly boots on, took a football a frisbee and a crossbow and went for a stomp thorugh a very muddy field. We all had great fun and it was a massive hit with the kids. There are lots of ways to have a great time with dss without throwing gifts and fancy activities at him, it just takes a while for the absent parent to feel confident to do this. Good luck.

reflection · 13/02/2008 20:58

I am pleased to see some positive and encouraging posts here from others that have experienced similar situations. I have looked occasionally LadyEvenStar as I feel that this is a difficult situation and hope that in time it will resolve itself. I don't think that you should feel the need to justify your financial situation as dss clearly lives in a home that has sufficient income. Stick with the positive approach and in time dss may see what he is really missing out on

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