Is it normal to feel this way?

[trin123]

I feel like a monster but I think I literally could care less if I had a relationship with one of my step daughters. I love the other one to death but the one daughter has literally ruined every single family get together or holiday or birthday. She’s rude to me and then when I tell my partner how I feel he gets mad at me. Then I’m becoming jealous when he spends any time with her alone because I feel betrayed, like right now he’s on a hunting trip with his family and my son and she’s rode over there with a cousin and I feel so depressed (it was originally just supposed to be my son going with everyone) and I feel so icky, I don’t know if it’s jealousy but I feel really sad and hopeless and as bad as it sounds I just wish we had nothing to do with her. Has anyone else ever felt this way? She’s 19 and we went to visit partners parents and she lashed out at me just because I said dinner was done. Husband keeps saying we can work through it but she’s done a lot of damage and so has he by telling me to leave because of how I feel. I don’t know why he doesn’t care that she’s ruined literally every get together, it takes away any memory I could have made with him and the other two kids, her sister doesn’t deserve the drama and neither does my kid because we always have to check in with this daughter and make sure she’s ok and keep her attitude in check. She’s nice to everyone else and just targets me and mom has targeting me in the past and honest to god I’ve never done anything except talk to my partner privately about the matters. I’m always kind and smile and inclusive but 7 years of ruined memories and the disrespect only towards me makes me feel like something has to change. As irrational as it sounds what I wish partner would say is “let’s take some space from her until she’s willing to change” because I feel like when he goes where she’s at without me that she’s getting the message that dad approves of her being crappy towards me. What do I do and how do I deal with these hard feelings, I feel like a monster to not want someone’s kid around and to not want them to hangout with them. I know it’s messed up so please don’t judge me. I don’t have any issues with his other daughter who is accepting and kind to me, we’ve had normal head butting or attitude but nothing as crazy as ruining holidays and family memories. When I got with my partner I had imagined all of us creating a family dynamic not replacing their mom but just having a group of people I love together happy and making memories.. i feel robbed.. I feel like I didn’t do anything to deserve this and with partner having a great time hanging out with her it almost feels like betrayal that he’s hanging out with someone who hates me. He minds as well be hanging out with the ex wife because this feels no different.

I think you are beyond 'becoming jealous' and are firmly in the 'jealous' zone.

Could you perhaps have some counselling, on your own, to unpick why you've allowed this young woman to have dominated your emotions so profoundly for so long?

It sounds like he doesn't agree with your views about his daughter and this isn't likely to change.

Well a lot of the time when people call others "jealous" it's just a lazy time of dismissing their grievances. There is absolutely nothing in your post that suggest you are jealous of her. What is clear is that you don't like her, and feel resentment towards both her and her father.

If things are as you say I don't think that's unreasonable. Her father should expect you to lose patience if she is consistently rude to you and ruins every occasion. I do know what that feels like, actually, but it's a bit easier to forgive when it's coming from a 5-10 year old, as it was with my DSS! It doesn't sound like your DP is able to respect your feelings.

In your shoes I would accept your feelings and have little to do with her, just remaining polite when it's impossible to avoid her. And if your DP can't respect the reason why, I would be considering the relationship. Do you have kids together?

Thank you for your reply to my post! We don’t have kids together but my son (14) from previous marriage lives with us. Partners daughters lived with their mom but did visitation as the mom and him split when the girls were 9 and they are off at college now. When the daughter was younger it was definitely easier to brush off and I have been forgiving and trying but I’m getting tired, I feel she is older now and know how she’s behaving and it feels more of a personal attack now. I appreciate your advice to try to disconnect, I’m in therapy and can ask how I can go about doing that as I really want to stop letting myself let her have power over how I feel. I think I’m also just feeling a bit hurt and rejected. I’m definitely kind when she’s around even if my blood is boiling at a rude comment she makes or whatnot because at the end of the day I just want a loving home. I don’t like feeling like i don’t want her around but I need to protect myself and stress levels at this point.

I’m not sure how you could feel any other way TBH, you are only human and anyone would feel would feel worn down by such a sustained campaign to divide and rule, with of course the complete backing of her (Disney) dad. Being a step parent is a thankless task isn’t it. I think you’ve got two choices. Leave, or put up and shut up (and have the occasional moan on mumsnet).

Thank you for your reply. I’m in therapy but haven’t got to bottom of any underlying triggers that make me so sensitive and unable to let it slide off my back. I do have some trauma background so may be tied into that, this could be triggering past bullying feelings. My post don’t look like it but I’m usually an extremely empathetic person and so these emotions don’t sit well with me because it’s against who I am or who I want to be. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I have been empathetic with his daughter and understand mood swings happen but I noticed she’s nice to everyone else and can clearly control it with them so it’s hard not to take it personal.

I'd say that is a pretty normal reaction to being treated how you have been. Personally I'd avoid seeing her if possible and tell your DH why. How often do you see her?

Lost me at hunting trip.

Hunting trip 😡

Good advice here. She's no longer a child and in control of herself. Get some stock adult phased like you would any rude relative. The classic did you mean to be so rude so the onus is on her without you being made out as the bad guy. Have fun on your own terms with the kids and don't reward bad behaviour. Snog her dad whenever you wish, take the seat on the sofay, you are a partnership. Repest what she should say 'thsnk you so much for cooking dinner I really appreciate it' !!

It's normal to have different feelings... I have three SC one I'm very close too and they live here permanently. Middle one I see EOW and hols an have a good relationship and I care about them although we see less of them. The other one I barely see and I'm all honestly wouldn't care if I didn't again really. This is who they have became as people (all 16-19)

Rather than thinking that he is spending time with someone who dislikes you, it might be helpful to frame it as he is spending time with his child that he will always love and want to see.

You are not in a competition with his daughter . She doesn't like you and at this point, you do not like her. He may view both your and her behavior towards each other to have been unacceptable.

He can love both of you and he seems to have made his peace with the fact that you and his daughter are never going to be friends.

If you cannot make peace with the situation as it stands, then you may need to question whether this is a relationship in which you can be contented. It seems as though everyone else is managing to compartmentalize their interactions. If you cannot accept their ability and willingness to compartmentalize, then you will always be the one for whom this is a problem.