Children changing resident parent?

[Dundees]

I posted this on AIBU but have just found this section and maybe it’s more relevant here.

Do you have any experience of children changing resident parent?

My eldest stepchild is increasingly saying she wants to live with me and DH rather than her mum and stepdad. She’s a pretty quiet soul and our household is much calmer which I think is the driving force. It’d mean changing schools though, and being a considerable distance away, and whilst we’d love for it to happen, her mum will almost certainly fight it. Anyone experienced this? How did it work out?

How old is she?

How old is she and what’s the current contact pattern? Is she wanting a straight swap so seeing her mum as often as she currently sees you? Any siblings on either side? What does her dad think?

She’s 8.

We have them (her and two younger brothers) most weekends and holidays currently and we’re too far apart to do midweek commuting for school, so it’d need to be that she moves school (which she knows and wants to do). We’d want to keep the children together on weekends so it’d mean travelling every Friday and Sunday/Monday rather than most.

DH and I have discussed it at length and do think she’d be happier here. She’s quite sensitive and quiet and at her mum’s has to share a room with her boisterous brothers, and has a busy household with people coming and going a lot and her mum and stepdad out a lot working or seeing friends. Here she has her own room and hobbies and pets she loves. That said, she’s never really been apart from her brothers.

I don’t know if SD moving would trigger the boys wanting to as well. They haven’t mentioned it and might be less keen as we’re the “strict” house. I also don’t know if a judge would agree with SD moving, or the children being separated. I am virtually certain that their mum would be fiercely opposed.

She is too young at 8.

All the kids I personally know who did it successfully were 12+.

Courts weren't involved because either the parents listened to their kids in the first place, or they got legal advice and were told as a teen the kid was old enough to make their own decision.

I do know of a couple of parents who tried to change their child's residency at 12/13 with the Courts permission. The Court asked the child what they wanted and the child didn't want to live with them. The parent was then told off my the judge.

That’s pretty much what I expected. Is it 12 at which children can decide, or 13?

I think it would be damaging for her to move, then move back again, but I also think it’s damaging for her to have to want to move for five years before we (can?) do anything about it.

Another concern is school: where we live, all the good secondary schools are oversubscribed so if we wanted to get her into one we’d need to start the process before she was 12+.

Depends on her maturity.

BTW if you are in Scotland the law is slightly different so check with any separated parents/young people you know in rl.

I don’t know any separated parents unfortunately (except of my parent’s generation but my peers stayed exclusively with their mothers). Thanks for the advice.

I would say sharing a room with 2 brothers is inappropriate especially if they are older, that is a good reason to move if it can be agreed, at 8 there does have to be a good reason, older children do get to choose themselves.

Get an agreement if you can

Children don't always get the final say at a certain age. A friend went through this with her 13-year-old son. He wanted to live with his dad post-divorce but the judge decided it would be better to keep all the siblings together.

Me step daughter asked at 15 if she could move with her dad and me, we changed everything over such as child benefit, doctors, de twist etc etc within about 2 months

As a first step why not find out exactly why she wants to move to yours and discuss this with her mum? Her mum is obviously going to be fiercely opposed to her daughter moving out but might be less opposed to making some charges to help her daughter feel better living there. I