Telling DSD off! situation annoying me

[Chacharide]

DS with DH who is nearly 2 (in Jan) and DSD who is 12.

DS is going through a bit of a tantrum stage, he's not speaking yet and this can lead to frustration I think, and then he will hit sometimes. It's not good I know but I've been assured it's not uncommon and we are trying to deal with it as best we can.

Anyway, DSD seems to be on the receiving end of these sometimes however, I've noticed that it tends to be when she'll take a toy of his and mess with it, not letting him have it and sort of teasing him by holding it too high or behind her back and laughing at him trying to get to it. DS will then get cross and hit out.

I always tell DS not to hit but I have also been telling DSD not to take his things. DH thinks it's teaching him 'sharing' but I disagree.

I think in this situation DSD is doing it on purpose because she knows it gets a rise out of DS and it's actually a bit mean. She doesn't want to play with his toys, she wants to laugh at him getting annoyed that he can't get them which I don't think is kind or equals sharing either. If she was a child of a similar age wanting a turn to play then yes, but not a 12 year old taking a toddlers toys because she finds it funny.

AIBU in telling DSD off as well in this situation? She's 12, she doesn't need to be playing with toddler toys.

To add she is usually very good with DS but I've noticed this a couple of times now and it's really annoyed me that DH has only "told off" DS and not DSD too so I have been when he doesn't.

No she shouldn't be teasing him and she needs to be told, this isn't sharing its like you said, trying to get a reaction.
Doesn't sound like she is being malicious, and I wouldn't worry about it too much as it sounds like it's just siblings being siblings and winding each other up.
My DD 2 does the same with DSD8, only it appeared to always be when me and her dad where not in the room. She didn't know I was watching one day and she took something off DD and was winding her up with it so DD hit her, DSD then came running to me and her dad saying DD had hit her, I told them both off but to be honest it just reminded me of me and my sister when we where children.

And just to add about the hotting, DD is going through a bad stage off this atm, its worse when she hasn't slept well and is tired. If she hits me ill just say mummy doesn't play with girls that hit, then walk out the room for a couple of minutes, when I go in I tell her ill play woth her age now as she isn't hitting. It seems to of worked well and she's not hitting / biting / scratching, anywhere near as much now

I always tell DS not to hit but I have also been telling DSD not to take his things.

This is what you should be continuing to do

She not teaching him sharing. She's either goading him for a reaction or playing with him and missing the point that he's not onboard with the game. Either way at 12 she should stop when told.

Carry on with this.

What I found helped was explaining that if DSC played with DC's toys then it would be harder for me to teach DC not to take their stuff and chew it.

He's teaching his 12 year old to pick on someone weaker.

She’s bullying him.
it’s a deliberate targeting of a weaker child to upset him and cause him to become upset.
she’s not ‘teaching’ him anything

your DH needs to recognise this for what it is

Oh and it's not a step child thing it's a dh thing. Siblings do this too and have to be told

My 5 year old does this to her 2 year old brother and I tell her off; she knows that she’s winding him up so at 12 your DSD certainly does. I try to step in quickly if I see it happening and ask my DD what she’s doing to stop it all kicking off although obviously I don’t always manage to.

My DS is 3 and DSD is 11. She would never do this to him as she's a good wee soul, but when he was a baby she was a bit prone to over excitement and getting to that stage where limbs are longer than brains account for, which is not ideal with a tiny baby around! So I had to tell her off a few times as her behaviour could potentially harm DS (not on purpose, but if your baby is hurt it doesn't matter).
This did not go down particularly well but my job is to look out for my child so 🤷‍♀️
I'd never get involved in anything that didn't affect me or my kids, except if DSD was placing herself at risk in any way. That's my rule and I'm sticking to it.
YANBU at all to stand up for your 2 year old. He can't do it himself and apparently his dad won't do it, so you're up Mummy!

She’s deliberately winding him up of course - enjoying the teasing/the power/the cute reaction. Very common for siblings and how you handle it is important for their relationship imo.

Try to use a combination of firmness and humour. Agree that he looks cute when he’s angry but also he is genuinely distressed so it’s not fair. Be firm about not doing it but then praise her for engaging with him more positively. And it works both ways - don’t let him damage her stuff or invade her privacy. Encourage them both to respect each other and point out that this will hopefully help them to be friends when they’re older.

I'd find her behaviour more concerning than his here given their respective ages. Your DH needs to pull his finger out.

Tbh, I'd just tell her to give me the toy and I'd give it back to DS. I get irritated by this kind of nonsense... she's old enough to know better.

A 12 year old doesn't need to be playing with toddler toys.

To me it sounds like you are not being nearly firm enough with DSD. She is bullying your two year old!

Don't be afraid to teach her not to be mean. It makes me sad to think of your poor little boy being wound up like this.

Kids are sometimes cruel. Granted but the age and power dynamic is concerning and if you removed the step out of this - I would be having serious words with the 12 year old.

Children are like sponges- if you teach them it's ok to pick on the weaker kid and no reprimand they they grow up to thinking it's ok too.

Your DP sounds like a ass. You need to intervene

I think a sit down chat with DSD and ask her how she would like it if someone did that to her, is in order. Nip it in the bud like any sibling issue. There will be more issues in the future and so the two of you have to parent both of them. Having a calm discussion not in the heat of the moment is the best way, and then if she forgets and starts, all you need to say is remember what we talked about (or do the Mum raised eyebrow stare)

I don’t let my 3.5 year old taunt my 1.5 year old. So no, I absolutely wouldn’t allow a 12 year old to do it. It’s not sharing, it’s snatching. A 12 year old isn’t going to have any interest in a toddlers toys.

I would absolutely not put up with this. Taking toys and teasing him is not sharing it's being mean and it will just annoy him. No wonder he lashes out. She needs to be told she's in the wrong and tbh it's not his fault he's hitting if she's goading and teasing him.

She's deliberately teasing and antagonising him. If your husband won't discipline her, you need to. She's old enough to know better than to bully a baby.