Dinner issues

[IsabelK]

Looking for some help on this, hopefully someone's been in the same situation and found a way out the otherside.

The last 2/3 times we've gone out for dinner or lunch, DSC 7yo hasn't wanted to pick anything off the menu, he says he doesn't like anything (he's eaten practically everything on the menu at one point or another) and then starts whining if we say we'll just go home and eat. The first time I thought he was maybe overwhelmed with choice, so the next time my partner and I just gave him a couple of options, including what he'd said in the car he wanted, but again he "didn't like" or "didn't want" any of it. We eventually managed to coax him into something. This last time we actually left the restaurant with him whining and crying because he didn't want anything on the menu, but didn't want to go home and eat. I was wondering if it could be an anxiety type thing, but he's not been diagnosed with anything and he's a really happy, cheerful, outgoing boy normally. If we make food at home he'll eat or try practically anything. We're at the stage where we're just going to stop going out for food as we don't want to upset him and it's quite frustrating for us.

Any help would be appreciated, and apologies if I've used the wrong abbreviations, this is my first post.

Could he pick his favourite food and you go to a restaurant that definitely serves that. Then dh orders for him. Full stop!! Maybe it's choices that he struggles with.
Or could his dad just say...l am ordering for you and pick something he has happily eaten before and then if he eats it fine and if not just ignore the food sitting there and enjoy your own meal.

It sounds like he can make a decision in the car? In which case just give him 2 or 3 options in the car and order for him with no discussion (let him chose his pudding or drink).

Never take him home to eat - he mustn’t see his bad behaviour winning the day. It might be he is getting bored sitting with grown ups so take screens, books, whatever. If he’s restless a run in the park before can really help. And if you’re worried about him not eating then a bag of snacks.

As a child, I had similar issues to your own dsc - I’m ok now but I remember it well. For me (although I did not understand at the time) it was anxiety based but I wasn’t mature enough to realise this.
Any sort of eating out (in my day it was mainly at school or other people’s houses made me feel sick, anxious and tearful.

what helped was very little fuss being made, one very kind lady (family friend) quietly said something like ‘well I know you sometimes like chips and tomato sauce so I will put 6 on a little plate for you and it’s up to you if you eat them’ (I think I did and may have had a few more, because there was no pressure on me and it was safe food).

@Luredbyapomegranate

from the information given this doesn’t sound (to me) like bad behaviour.

due to my own experiences I can always spot an anxious visiting child and most times I put small amounts of food out on the table with a casual ‘eat what you want’ comment.

Can you think back to the last time you went out for a meal when he picked off the menu without a problem? Did the meal turn out not to be what he expected or taste different to normal?
I would either just order for him without talking about it with something you know he likes and don’t chat about what you’re eating either; change the subject completely or decide before you go with him and then the same approach in the restaurant

@Chdjdn they are useful questions.

In the same vein, could it be something non-food related to a previous trip, OP?
for example did he meet someone he doesn’t like, did he get locked in the loo, or one of any number of other ‘problems’.

it might be worth his dad very sensitively chatting about it with him on a day you’re not going to a restaurant?

Is it the noise/bustle of the restaurant making him uncomfortable?

Honestly we just stopped taking DSS out for food when we had these issues. He grew out of it and now we take him again.

Just say 'oh dear. That's a pity. Never mind have a sandwich when we get home." Choose what you want and ask again whether he's sure when ordering. Don't persuade or cajole. Let him eat or not. It's a choice he can make at 7.

Have you tried asking him to choose where you eat?

That's a good idea. Maybe he might just want a drink or something.

Is he fussy about food generally or just in restaurants? Has DH asked him (not in/after restaurant) what’s wrong?

it does sound like a sensory or experience issue and not silly behaviour. Can you pause eating out for a while and see if he grows out of it?

I’d stop eating out. We had to do the same at a similar age with my DSC when there was too much bickering and general pissing around. Spending money and time trying to do things like this as treat is pointless if it leads to stress.

My DC is often fussy when we're eating out. My rule is that they don't have to eat anything, but neither do they get to moan and whine the whole way though the meal either. So DC has to sit nicely with a drink while everyone else eats. I'll usually order some chips/bread for them to pick at if starving. And they get pudding (usually ice-cream) regardless of whether they've eating the main course but only if they've behaved nicely.

The way I see it, it's up to DC whether they eat but they don't get to spoil the meal for everyone else.

It sounds like he wants to eat out but is feeling the pressure.
is he ‘encouraged’ to clear his plate and feeling under pressure?
is he aware of cost of living issues and worried about wasting food/money if he doesn’t finish it?

I think you need to order for him and tell him that he doesn’t have to eat it if he doesn’t like it. Or could you get a sharing plate or similar? Take the pressure off completely

Thanks everyone for your responses! Given us quite a bit to think about. I'll try and reply to all the comments but apologies if I miss someone!

@junebirthdaygirl we did try that, he picked a burger in the car then at the restaurant he didn't want a burger. So yes think it's choices. We're going to try that next time before we totally give up!

@Luredbyapomegranate yes think that's the next plan! Going to make sure we have puzzles with us too to distract. I honestly don't think it's bad behaviour, I think he's overwhelmed.

@onepieceoflollipop we really do try not to make a fuss, but yes next time we'll either just order him something and let him decide to eat it or not (although very wasteful) or let him nibble at some sides. He has eaten out fine in the past, I can't understand the differences.

@Chdjdn yes, we went to Nandos a few months ago, he shared starters with us and ate an entire kids meal and gelato and loved it! No issues. Which is why I'm struggling with what the problem is and how to help him.

@Alacarde I dont think so, we've been to a busy Nandos and he was fine but went to restaurant with only one other table and he "didn't like" anything.

@brighterthanthemoon if we asked we'd be at McDonald's everytime lol he's never sure where else to go. Which again leads to the choice being an issue.

@MeridianB not at all. He loves his food! At home he'll eat or try almost anything. And he gets excited to eat out, just the last few times not when we get there.

Bless him. Hope it gets resolved. You sound like a lovely SM. 🥰

No, he never says he's full up, or doesn't eat at home. We always make sure we don't give him too much and he can have a yoghurt or pudding after. I'm very conscious about not forcing him to eat, but he's also never had an issue with it before now.

I think the ordering for him is the next course of action. Then hope he's hungry enough to eat what he likes.

Maybe it's the way things are worded on the menu. If he reads the menu himself? For example, if in the car he says he wants a burger and then he gets to the restaurant and the description of the burger is a bit different to his expectation (like having bacon or cheese etc) then maybe he's feeling thrown or overwhelmed.

Could you order for him based on what he usually likes and eliminate him having to look at the menu? Assuming he does, of course.

Hopefully it's just a phase but as others have said, maybe just take the pressure off and if he doesn't fancy a meal then let him have a drink or pudding instead.

Good luck, you sound lovely.

No he doesn't read the menu, his reading isn't strong enough for that bless him, but we're working on it!

We did try just giving him a few options but again I think that was too much.

We're going to try again and just order him something we know he likes, and distract him with puzzles etc. If that fails, we'll eat and order some extra sides for him to nibble, then try again when he's a bit older!

Thank you! 😊

Good luck and I'm sure one day eating out will be a lovely family experience again 🙂

Are either of his parents or the school clean plate people?

My niece suddenly started having major food issues. It turned out her school were giving clean plate awards and some of the lunch staff took it to extremes.

She was pretty much forced to eat something to the point of gagging on it. I wouldn't have liked to have been the head teacher on the receiving end of my sister in laws visit.

It took about 18 months to undo the damage they did.

If he is a good eater at home you don't want to ruin that. I found the post from @AnotherCountryMummy interesting. My DC was a very good eater but wasnt always so sure with all the sauces, toppings, etc when we went out. They eat meat, I am vegetarian - so we couldnt really swap meals as a back up plan. So I used to order all of the extras on the side, so they could dip, try, as they wanted. But hope you sort it!

Have you tried eating at a tapas type of restaurant or somewhere you order lots of small plates to share? We often do this with the DC as they don’t have to choose anything and can try a variety of different foods and sometimes something new.