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Step-parenting

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DSD and Social Services

14 replies

AndSoFinally · 15/11/2022 11:21

I will say in advance I have changed some of the unimportant details so as not to be recognisable.

DSD (8) has reported my DH (her dad) to social services for hitting her.

She went home and told her mum, who told her to tell her teacher at school. Slightly questionable move, why not report to SS yourself if you're concerned? DH and DM have a terrible relationship, she always wants to start an argument over something and rarely gives him any info about DSD. When DSD broke her leg, the first DH knew was when he went to pick her up and she had a cast, for example. DM wants to move 3 hours away which which would impact on DHs contact (2 nights per week and half holidays). DH didn't say no but said they'd have to discuss details if moving became a definite plan. This may be behind some of the motives as DM seems to want to stop contact so there is no barrier to moving away.

DSD then told teacher the story (not sure of exact story) who informed SS as duty of care. No issue with this, I understand they have no option but to report and SS have no option but to investigate. As it should be.

SS then ring DH, explain allegations, meet with DH and me, meet with DSD and mum, meet with teacher. Police also involved as any disciplinary physical contact to a child is now illegal here, but decline further involvement after meeting with DSD and mum, saying no case.

SS, after 2 days, declare it all seems foundationless, DSD seems coached, story inconsistent from DSD and mum, and no further concerns.

However, they then recommended that we don't see DSD overnight and don't have her over without an independent witness. They say we cannot be witnesses for each other (obviously). We both have jobs where any grey area of SS involvement in a case like this would be career ending.

What do we do? We have no family or older children to be witnesses. Cannot be alone with DSD without someone else around so couldn't even go to McDonald's or something because we would be alone in the car. DM won't help to facilitate anything by dropping DSD somewhere public. Won't even facilitate a phone call.

What would you do in this situation? Obviously don't want to lose contact but can't risk our livelihoods with further allegations. The only thing I can think of is to go back to court to ask them to ensure mum has to facilitate phone contact and then build up from there. Hopefully when she's a little older she'll understand the ramifications of what she's done and we can trust her to go back to contact in person? How old do you think she'd need to be?

Any help appreciated!

OP posts:
MeridianB · 15/11/2022 13:33

Hi OP
Someone with experience or expertise in this will hopefully post soon, but it sounds incredibly hard.

What is DH inclined to do?

I would suggest he tries to contact DD but if her mother refuses to assist contact in any way then would he consider going to court?

Have SS specified who could be a third party for contact if you have no family - would a friend be OK? Could DH meet DD at school with a teacher to have an initial discussion?

AndSoFinally · 15/11/2022 13:54

Mum is not inclined to facilitate any contact and is refusing to answer phone or texts. Possibly going via school is a good idea.

I can definitely seeing us ending up back in court over this, but not sure what to ask for if we can't have face to face contact? Do courts order telephone contact to be allowed?

OP posts:
deliciouschilli · 15/11/2022 15:09

There are contact centers for this sort of situation. Get in touch with Social Services and they will advise you.

Flowersandwashing · 15/11/2022 16:28

as previous poster, there are contact centers.

Could you maybe get a taxi and pick her up with a taxi and take her somewhere public or to the contact center? That way contact isn’t alone.

Also, yes a court could state that telephone contact to be arranged, but also that mum has to try and facilitate contact center to meet dad (maybe dad could pick mum and dsd up and leave mum outside whilst dad and dsd have food or fun at a soft play). I would try either contact with mum at the contact center or with a taxi first, that would be the quickest resolution. I would also encourage just dad to do this first without you and to try and rebuild the relationship between them first, this would give dsd time to speak to dad and why she is unhappy and so said what she did. Then after a few visits, you to join in and it shouldn’t be long until the contact is reinstated. Keep SS up to date with how things are going and aim to get a new court order in place after about 15 visits (would be diff with every child) when the relationship is better.

it sounds like relationships and communication has completely broken down and needs rebuilding.

veganbacon · 15/11/2022 18:20

My sympathies what a terrible situation. As pp said the court can order mum to help facilitate visit to contact centre.

FreakyFrie · 15/11/2022 20:07

Get in contact with a contact centre and pay to see her there?

Blendiful · 15/11/2022 22:06

Contact centre is an option but if police and SS are saying no case, why are they advising he doesn't see without an independent witness? That's not sustainable for the child's life regardless, if they are saying there is no risk.

He should go back to his solicitor, speak to them, if they feel the accusations aren't true, and you I am guessing are saying that he did not hit her, then there should be no barriers to contact.

AndSoFinally · 21/11/2022 19:42

They're advising not to see without an independent witness because of his job. He has to declare anything like this or any police involvement and if there was any question that he may be guilty he would lose his job. Without a witness it would always be DSDs word against his if the accusations were repeated.

Thanks all, very helpful

OP posts:
wickedstepmothfker · 30/11/2022 14:17

Just wondering if there is a sensible friend on either side that could help? Or would they say they're not independent. Have they identified why the child made up the story?

wickedstepmothfker · 30/11/2022 16:13

Also...just to be clear, I presume these accusations are completely unfounded? The reason I say this is that we had exactly the same accusation from my SD as she wanted the ultimate excuse not to come over for the weekend (wanted to spend time at home). The bigger issue (in my eyes) being that if she lies about stuff like this and gets taken seriously, then that is dangerous for the future. What will she lie about next?

AnotherDelphinium · 30/11/2022 16:26

Could you get “hidden” cameras or similar inside your home and car?

A lot of taxis have internal cameras that slot onto a dash cam, so everything in their would be covered as would everything in communal areas of your home.

I say hidden as you don’t want to alert DSD, and by extension her “D”M, and you have absolute proof to refute any further allegations.

AlisonDonut · 30/11/2022 16:28

Don't tell me, this was a suggested thread after the other step daughter threat thread.

What a great algorithm.

wickedstepmothfker · 30/11/2022 16:29

AnotherDelphinium · 30/11/2022 16:26

Could you get “hidden” cameras or similar inside your home and car?

A lot of taxis have internal cameras that slot onto a dash cam, so everything in their would be covered as would everything in communal areas of your home.

I say hidden as you don’t want to alert DSD, and by extension her “D”M, and you have absolute proof to refute any further allegations.

Sounds sensible, and goes without saying as to why should she have to do this. There are a lot of nasty people in the world...and they start young!

RunLolaRun102 · 30/11/2022 16:33

Ok so you haven’t been advised to have supervised contact ss just suggested it so DH doesn’t lose his job? In that case his workplace should be able to arrange a witness. Example - my bf is a banker in the uae. He has dinner with his kids in his office every other day with his secretary as the government have requested supervised contact due to unfounded allegations of abuse from his ex.

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