So disappointed with step-son

[SadStepMumToday]

Have name changed for this. Partly for privacy 😆 but also because I weirdly feel a bit embarrassed about it even though I know I’ve done nothing wrong. Anyway, DSS was with us this weekend but it came out, when he went home, that for months he’s been making ridiculous lies up about me to his mum and sister. His mother hates me for some unknown reason and for him to do this is such a slap in the face. I feel as though I can’t trust him in my home anymore. I feel that whatever I say is going to be reported back and more importantly mis-reported back. Just bare-faced lies. It seems like DH and I are only required for money and then it’s a big F-off from all of them.

Should I have him back? He’s 13 by the way. Has anyone else had this? Please be nice this has been quite upsetting.

I'd say he's trying to make his mum feel better. It's not about you and it's about a child who's been put in a position they didn't ask for

Having him back surely isn’t your decision? What is he lying about that his father would not step up to his responsibility?

It’s your husbands son. He needs to parent him and get to the bottom of this.

It’s quite likely, that he feels he has to pick sides. Or appear to. Or say things when he goes back to his mums to appear on her side.

That’s an awful situation for a child to be in. Happy children don’t just make up lies for the fun of it.

Disappointing behaviour for sure, but are you really suggesting not letting back in your (and presumably his father's) house over it?

Thanks all. I wouldn’t really not let him back in, I wouldn’t do that to my own kids and they’ve told ridiculous porkies over the years. This just feels so different, especially because I’ve got absolutely no way to defend myself. Even if I could speak to the ex (and I 100% won’t be) she wouldn’t ever believe that I didn’t say these things. His father (my DH) can’t get hold of him either to find out but his mum does occasionally confiscate his phone so that might be the reason. I think I just feel frustrated and worried that this might happen again. I’m quite a sensitive soul really.

@Januarcelebration DSS said that I said that DSD should have an abortion as she wouldn’t be able to manage. What was actually said was that I was concerned that DSD is quite young (16) but it’s exciting for her 🤷‍♀️ That’s probably the worst part of it but there’s more.

Poor DSS. Sorry OP, I know you're feeling hurt and upset, but he's the one I feel really sorry for. As a pp says, this sort of thing is generally the behaviour of an unhappy and confused child.

Thanks @Chomolungma I agree with that.

This happened to me with my DSS . Actually moved in with us (his choice) and was telling his DM that I didn't cook for him etc. It really really hurt but in the end I put it down to trying to get attention from his DM and ignored it totally.

Has his dad sat him down and asked him why he feels he needs to tell these lies? To ask him whether he understands that he is hurting you? That he doesn’t need to lit and is there anything he’s worried about that causes him to want to tell fibs?

My parents divorced when I was young, and I can remember returning from visits with my (beloved) dad and his girlfriend (who I absolutely adored) and getting quizzed by my mum and my nan and really pressurised to agree with negative things they were saying. If I ever agreed or said anything even slightly negative about dad/his girlfriend it was met by lots of crowing/cackling and praise.

It was absolutely fucking awful. I'm now a 47 yr old woman and I can remember this as if it were yesterday. It was so, so hard.

Even if the mum isn't quite as overt about it, there could be subtle pressure to slag you/your DP off. I can remember my mum/nan particularly wanted to hear me be negative about dad's girlfriend, and this just sounds so similar.

It might just be faint disapproval if he doesn't slag you off, compared with loving praise and encouragement if he repeats negative things you've said.

There's also the point mixed in there that he's 13 and might not have been listening properly/might have misinterpreted something (that pregnancy example sounds as if it could genuinely be crossed wires).

Either way, I don't think it's about you, even though I completely appreciate it's deeply hurtful. It sounds like a child caught in the middle who is being pressured to "pick a team" and faces disapproval if he doesn't have anything bad to say about you.

I'm obviously guessing, but that would be my suggestion. Let DP speak to him, and don't play into their plan by becoming the nasty and cold stepmum. Try and remain the same warm person that you've always been - don't give any ammunition to criticise you, but do be extra careful about anything that you say and how it could be misinterpreted.

Sorry I know that's shit, but this will pass.

It's hard though isn't it. These poor kids suffer don't they? Just love him as much as you can, you seem to like him enough to be worried about him. The older he gets the better it will get, don't stoop to their level

How hurtful for you. Maybe DSS is projecting, is very worried indeed about the effect a baby will have on his life and is suggesting an alternative solution. He can't offer it as a suggestion from him so is using you as the most neutral person - possibly? I appreciate that there's more and that's just one example, but it does imply unhappiness and that he feels he has little control over his life.

Exactly this. A gentle and concerned approach is the way to go imo. Whats going on for him, how can you/his dad help etc. Also being v clear you're aware of lies and that can't continue.

My DSS told a few awful lies to his mother about me.
Most of them so outlandish that I was definite she knew they couldn't be true. But she still left vile, screaming voicemails and tried to restrict DH's access to his DS.
I know it's because she continually dripped poison in DSS's ear about his father and me. Poor kid was absolutely conflicted and telling his mother what she wanted to hear.
I think he also felt guilty for enjoying himself with me.
SC can be so torn with divided loyalties and IME it's because one of the parents are putting them in the middle and trying to alienate them from the other.
My DSS's mother permanently damaged his relationship with DH. I had exactly the same done to me as a child by my own mother after my father divorced her so my heart used to break for DSS.
Your DH needs to sit his son down and tell him that he knows things can be really tough and confusing for him at times. But he's 13 now and absolutely must not tell lies any more. That it's totally wrong to hurt you like this and he won't have it. He should stress that if DSS is ever upset about anything he can always come to him but he must be truthful.
Kind but very firm at this age.
DSS will benefit from strong boundaries and the reassurance that he can talk to his father about anything.

I dread to think what DSD feels obliged to say to her mum. Or what opinions of her mum she is obliged to agree with.
I know it’s hurtful but it’s very classic behaviour for a kid who has to fit in, in two homes where there is conflict between them. As a minimum you can assure that he feels relaxed with no obligation to lie to fit in/get love in your home. Maybe he’d benefit from talking to someone neutral.

I wouldn't lift a single finger for him now. I'd be civil but that's it.

I’ve had the same - it’s shit.

They do it to please the other parent.

Look up the NACHO method of step parenting - it will save your sanity. Not my kid - why should I care? And as the poster above says - don’t do ANYTHING for the child.

In mine / our case - after a lovely weekend / time spent with her - we discovered that DSD was going home telling mum how miserable she was and telling lies about me / her dad. The lies actually resulted in mum turning up in our doorstep one Saturday shouting abuse & banging on our front door. Her partner of 6 months (who doesn’t have kids) telling my OH what a shit father he was and threatening to beat him up. The police had to be called and they were removed (2 police officers couldn’t deal with them so a police moria van had to be called). I remember DSD watching on smirking.

Since then (and all her lies being discovered) she hasn’t spoken to her dad. Her toxic mother has dripped so much poison in her ear and she’ll do anything to please her.

As for me - I’ve had 7 years of being ignored, her being rude to me and generally a very unpleasant person to be around. After all the lies she’s told I’m done with her.

My advice would be to try to nip it in the bud. Good luck 🤞

Yes I know it sounds a bit harsh but look into nachoing it saved my sanity