I can't help feeling................I may be going mad!

[Nelli29]

Its time to be honest with everyone. I am finding things a strain. I just can't seem to differenciate between my dh feeling for sd and his feelings for bm, and its driving my dh mad. I just feel that having a child together is such a beutiful thing , and I can't see things as black and white as my dh. He says he has no interest in her, that he doesn't feel anything for her anymore and that I am 10 times the person she is, and that he is with me now not her etc... I know all this is true and I know he loves me but I need to find a way to deal with it and learn how to let it all go over my head, because at the moment I'm worrying myself sick! Even when she rings I hate it, It always seems to be at a inconvenient time when dh and I maybe having a moment or discussing something important and the phone goes, its almost asthough she has a sense for it. I hate the feeling that she has any control over my life , which whatever way you look at it her behaviour does have an impact on our life one way or the other. The hardest thing is that I kow she thinks I'm am insignificant and that sooner or later I will go away. She believes that dh still has feelings for her deep down and she is always talking about the past with him, bringing things up that happen years ago. I'm starting to worry about myself because I should be able to handle this better, she shouldn't matter to me but for some reason she really does. Most of all I hate feeling like this. Throughout my life I have always been the one not to hold a grudge, to be able to handle any situation, to always forgive any grievences, I have never been one to feel this angry and upset all the time.
I have struggled with self confidence over the years but who hasn't? Am I going loopy??

No, your not going mad, but it sounds like BM might be......its time she moved on, from your previous posts she has a dh herself now right, so why is she bothering yours?
I don't have the problem of my ss's bm talking about the past with my dh, as they both realise there is nothing between them anymore, but how to get that across to your dh's ex is another thing.....you need to tell to dh, how you feel about her constantly bringing up the past, as its his duty to nip her in the bud when she starts waffling about things that will never be again, as for the phone thing, how about call screening? or telling her dh will do the ringing to speak to dd, (go with the this will save her phone bill line) so this should stop her phoning you at all hours of the day/night whenever she wants. Do you mind me asking how long you and dh have been together? I'm sure you'll get lots of better advice from those who are more qualified than me, I've been lucky the ex was only a bother for 1.5 years before she realised I wasn't a threat to her parenting skills, behaved like an adult and it was time to move on, and now we all get along fine (extended families eh!) feel free to CAT me if you wanna chat

Hi nelli, no you are not going mad!!
We had probs with exw for yrs, even now, 6 yrs after they split and 5 yrs since we've been together she tries to ralk about their life together. It used to really get to me, especially when MIL did the same, and even had their wedding pics up for ages!
We have come to realise that when she dos this it is usually because she has had crap day/wk etc, and this is her way of venting her anger. If I answer the phone, she will say that DH has called her to talk, and that he must call her back. If I suggest she lets me know what it is, ie who will be doing the travelling, what time etc, she will not let me pass on the message, as it is "private"! Or if I answer his mobile, she will say "oh, who's that? Oh, is that Rachael? Dh and I were chatting earlier....." So sad!
I have to let it go over my head now,as it could screw you up completely. I t isn't nice to think that DH had a marriage before ours, but it is so. He is with me now, that is what matters. He was divorced when I met him, no foul play! And his kids are quite happy with the situation.
But it is hard.

Thanks for your support, I just find it all so draining. It consumes me sometimes and i forget to have fun!

Frizbe - My dh and I have been together for 18months. I met him 18months after he split from bm. We married in sept just gone.

I'm 29 and dh is 35, sometimes I just feel like stamping my feet and screaming - it really helps to know that I am not on my own. Thank you - I think this site is my saviour.

Hi Nellie. I think that this kind of behaviour will die out after a while. She is obviously very threatened by you and is looking for ways to get at you, but it won't work unless you let it.

It is frustrating, I know. My dp's ex used to phone him, and still does sometimes, to talk about stuff completely unrelated to their dd. I think men can be really crap about dealing with this kind of thing. My dp used to listen to her and give her advice etc, but he got really fed up with it after a while and now cuts her short and changes the subject. It used to bother me and still does if it interupts things.

I don't think that my dp's ex has ever tried to do anything to split us up, but she has tried to make him feel guilty about moving out, even though she was having an affair with somebody for several years and expected my dp to put up with it.

It sounds as if you and your dh have a very good relationship, so work on that and try to ignore her. She can't do anything to split you up, all she can do is annoy you, so you have to rise above it and try not to let it get to you. It will get easier, I promise. I have been with my dp for almost six years. We've lived together for four and I've been through much of what you're going through. Reading what you've written brings it all back to me how tough it was in the early days, when all you want is to be part of a normal couple and enjoy your new life.

Otto is right. It's tough atm, but really, it will get better. Try not to let it consume you. When you start dwelling on it or getting upset, distract yourself. It's not your dh's fault his ex is a loon. You must really try to accept his reassurance. Are you trying for children of your own?

Littlerach - How bizarre - bm is called Rachel!!
Its nice to know it gets a little better. Dh finds its really hard too, as he is trying to keep everyone happy. I spoke to bm a couple of weeks ago on the phone and she said she was quite happy for me to discipline sd and how she wants us all to get on etc... then on monday night she rang dh and told him she didn't want me in her house because i didn't speak to her enough! how mad is that! I've always been polite a quick hello etc, I don't understand what she wants from me!

Nelli29 I just wanted to say how much I feel for you. I have had terrible problems with my SD BM. I too thought I was going mad and still feel as though I am no longer in control of my own mind. My DH's ex once text him and called him on New Year's eve at 11:30 to discuss the arrangements for the weekend visit. This was on a Tues!! We were having a lovely time togther not a care in the world and then she pops up. Constant little things that just annoy. This was after she get married that summer. I think I should pity her but my feelings also run away with me and I find it very hard to deal with supressed anger. I have never reacted to many many things and this is what causes me to become what I consider to be obsessive. She is constantly in my mind and I have so much I wish I could tell her but for the sake of SD I try let it go over my head. I too want my old personality back. I long for a clear mind, to be able to let go. I just find the injustice of it all very hard to cope with.

However I must say that BM's behaviour has got better over the years and that is hopefully a comfort to you. Also coming on this site and reading about other people has really helped. I came looking for help and support and this is where I have found it.

How can someone that we don't even know have such an impact on our lives? Everyone with experience here sounds as though they have it so sorted. Is it really true? Will time heal? I'm hanging in there...

Hi Nelli29 et all, I'm sure it will get better, have you had any bother from BM today? re the 18 mths thing, I only asked as I was wondering how long you'd been together and they'd split, looks like your on similar timelines to me and my dh, they were split 2 years when we met, and like I say luckily she saw sense after 1.5 years (I think it helped her talking to one of her friends, whom I have since met, who is the 2nd wife! and who had bother too, I think she talked some sense into her!!) Let us know if you have any luck discussing her behaviour with your dh, he needs to take control and stop her interfering (but I know that's easier said than done, so I'll shut up for now).

I think that one of the most frustrating things I've found about being a stepmum is that I have no say in many of the things that affect my life. My dp is a bit of a soft touch and his ex will use their dd as a weapon to get what she wants. My choice is to argue with him, or put up with situations that I'm not really happy with. I don't want to put my dp in a situation where he has to choose between what I want and what ex wife wants, but this means that I often end up feeling frustrated. This seems to be what many of you are saying here. One thing I have found that helps is to write fantasy letters to the ex. When something is bothering me I write it in a letter to her. I sometimes re-read and even edit the letters, but never send them. Try it, as it does make me feel a bit better.

Nelli, I have just read some of your other threads, and your situation is qute similar to how mine was, and to some extent still is. I used to feel an outsider whenever they were here, although it was my house which we lived in. After the birth of DD1 I was so wary of DH and if he loved her enough etc etc. I had the same prob with sd wanting to co sleep with us, DH used to do what your DH does. I had to put a stop to it, as I was not comfortable at all. So we talked and it was sorted. DH still does not discipline them when they come, a real sore spot for me, as DD1 often gets the blame even if it was sd. We talk about it a lot, most of it is guilt that he left them, also that sd may not come and stay again, also that DH genuinely does not always notice what is going on.
I really feel for you, it is sooo hard, I used to be so down about it. Things do move on, however, whether it be good or bad, it changes. You need to make sure that you are involved in all aspects when sd comes to stay, as it is your life too, and DH has to understand that.
Big hugs to you, hope you can make sense of this.xx