How do you celebrate step children's bdays?

[Anuta77]

Hello,
In our case, SD comes only EOW. So when her bday is during the week, her father drives to her city just to see her and give her a present, but she's normally in a rush because her mother plans a dinner with her, her boyfriend, etc. (knowing very well that my DP ALWAYS goes to see SD on her bday). And the following weekend, whether the SD is with us or with her, the BM plans a party (normally with her friends, as SD doesn't really have a lot of friends of her own, she's pretty reserved). So basically, by the time the SD is with us, the bday is long gone. I mean it's not necessarily "bad" as SD has 2 celebrations, but not really with us or even with her dad.

I think that SD (16 as of today) knowing that her father drives 35 min one way to see her could have some input in telling her mother that she'll come at bit later so she can also have a moment with her dad, but it seems that whatever the mother is planning is never questionned. We could have even driven all together (she has a good relationship with me and my sons, especially the little one), but we're not going to drive through the traffic just to see her being in a rush to leave.

I wonder how other people are doing it.

she 16 years old… and will have a busy social life.

does her father organise anything for her birthday? I think it’s difficult if she already has plans… to then drop things or rearrange plans to see her father longer on that day —will be difficult. There no point of you all going to see her if she is busy… thou I do think her father should see her on her birthday even if it’s shorter than his journey time (only once a year).

why can’t you and her father plan something as a family together…like a family birthday breakfast or lunch/dinner with home made cake… the next weekend she is at your place… it would be sweet for everyone to have a caught up Celebration for short time!

What you seem focused on is the disappointment that your DH and to some extent you are not getting the full schebang "birthday experience" with your DSD because the mother (not the birth mother, she is the mother) has taken the shine off it.

I would suggest that you think about the daughter, what her needs are and her birthday experience. If she's had 1 birthday already she may not feel like having to go through it all again in the same way. As far as she's concerned she's had her day so it's done and dusted. It doesn't mean that you and your DH can't enjoy a meal with her, but this really shouldn't be about you, although you do seem to be making it thus.

I think that SD (16 as of today) knowing that her father drives 35 min one way to see her could have some input in telling her mother that she'll come at bit later so she can also have a moment with her dad

35 mins (and one way, wow!) isn't the other end of the universe.

Why don't you speak to sdd and offer to taking her out to eat after school in the birthday week. If she does something with family one day of weekend after why don't u do something the weekend before or the other day of that weekend (depending how your weekend falls)

We see DsD on normal contact arrangement time (eow) and do something for her birthday on our day.

If her birthday was on a Tuesday and we had her the weekend before the Tuesday we would do something then so a few days early.

Its normally presents, meal out such as nandos or a pub lunch and maybe a trip to the cinema if there’s a good film out she wants to watch.

She doesn’t have many friends so she doesn’t really get together with them.

35 minutes. You’d think it was an arctic expedition, rather than a fairly ordinary distance.

Have you considered that your DSD’s birthday isn’t all about her father?

When they were younger we'd normally do an activity based smaller additional party for them (think taking friends bowling, cinema, Nandos, sleepover etc) the weekend we had them near their birthday. As teens we would work out with them when they were free on or near their birthday and take them out for dinner normally. So it's DS17 birthday next month, for his 16th we took his pals quad biking and back to ours for a hang out (in the garden as SD still a thing). Now he is going to be 18 he will want to spend the weekends with girlfriend/pals, so we will find a night that week take him out for a nice dinner, presies. We're taking him to Paris at his request next year for his birthday presie.

In essence, he needs to communicate with his DD find out when she is free around her birthday if not on her actual birthday and make plans that she would like. It's pretty simple no?

I have to say it sounds very much like you're more concerned about you/her father than what SHE wants on HER birthday. Things like birthdays and Christmases are always trickier with split families. Try not to add pressure.

Also - 70 minutes drive to see your child on their birthday? Is that really something to moan about?!

You are being unfair.
It's far from unusual for kids to have a celebration with their friends and celebration with mum/siblings. Why would you expect a quiet girl to have an argument with her mother because a parent had driven 35 minutes (shock horror)? It's her day and she will want to feel happy, not pressured into fighting for her father who can bring this up himself with the mother (or get to her sooner) if it's that annoying. I disagree that if you've driven 35 mins then you should be getting at least X mins with her. Don't put this kind of pressure on her when this situation isn't her choice.
I am divorced and have teens. I ask them what their plans with friends are and arrange something to do with them around that. They are teens and I'm fine with them deciding how the day goes.
When their dad lived about 40 mins away he would see them after school for like 15 mins then see them for his weekend. He doesn't live close enough to do that anymore but celebrates the weekend before or after depending on how the weekends fall and gives gifts then.
What I'm trying to say is sd may be busy on her birthday but there's no harm done celebrating the weekend before/after or creating a new tradition like taking her out the day before or after. Having more than one celebration is pretty cool and even if it's after the day, it doesn't feel less special as a parent or the child.In an ideal world, parents would get the whole day with their child but this isn't an ideal world and us parents and stepparents need to centre the child for the day.

Personally I think what you want is a bit disruptive. Having to take time out of her day to specifically have a moment with her dad gets in the way of her actually doing something on her birthday. A quick phone call on the day should suffice, so she can get on and do something.

The problem is her mum throwing a party the weekend after even if it's on your time with her. She shouldn't be doing that, she should be throwing the party the weekend before if it happens to fall so she's meant to be with her dad the weekend after. That way there wouldn't be an issue as she would naturally be with her dad at some point close to her birthday.

We have my DSCs 50%. It's written into the custody agreement that regardless of who's week SCs birthday falls on one year they will be with mum the night before until 2pm then dad 2pm and overnight. The next year it flips. It's the same with xmas. Last year mum had them xmas eve until 2pm xmas day and we had them through until boxing day. This year we have them xmas eve.

It sounds a bit late for that now that your DSD is 16 and no such arrangement has ever been put in place. Could your DH not check what her plans are ahead of time and make arrangements to see her or do something around that, rather than driving through when she's about to head out? Or take her out the day before or after so she's not waiting until it's his weekend to celebrate.

If she's 16 surely she can make her own arrangements with her dad without her mum's input. If he's always been a weekend dad I don't think it's fair to demand she spends time with him on her birthday if her mum, who's been the main parent in her life wants to celebrate her birthday with her.

She's 16. She probably isn't arsed about seeing her dad for ages on her birthday apart from to receive whatever gift he's gotten her.

We don't change the schedule for DSCs birthdays. My husband will ring them if they are with their Mum and say happy birthday and then we'll do something next time we see them.

If your husband is dead set on travelling to see her at her mum's though then let him. If she's in a rush then so be it. I personally wouldn't be traipsing my other children out to do so as well but my husband would be welcome to go if he wanted and I'd just send a text from me and see them next time they are at our house.

DSCs birthdays are not a big deal to me personally. I make a fuss when I see them, whether that's on or after the day itself. But no, I wouldn't be making a special trip personally. Let your husband go and you stay at home with the other children.

She's 16, her birthday isn't about your husband or you.

I buy a gift, DH buys a gift, there is usually cake

We accept that the SC birthday doesn't always fall on DPs day and celebrate on closest day to it.

I think in a stepfamily you have to let go of specific "days" and create celebrations.... it's the same with Christmas!

If SD is happy celebrating her bday as she is then I'd just do something special when she is next with you... we took my SD out to lunch for her recent 12th bday but it ended up being about 2-3 weeks after her bday as she had other things on with her family and friends. But she was still appreciative of doing something nice to celebrate.

If DSD is with her mum then my partner will phone her on the day and we celebrate next time we see her. When we have had her on her birthday, previously we have organised a party of some kind, but we take that year by year.
At 16, maybe your DSD would appreciate being treated by her dad close to her birthday rather than shoehorning a quick meet into her day. He should ask her.

My step children are younger, at 12,9 and 6.

Their parents have a week on/week off arrangement.

With the younger two, time will be given during x parents “usual time” so y parent can also see them on their birthdays.

With the older, we celebrate on the day, or before/after.

I have a different (but also essentially 50/50) arrangement with my daughters dad in terms of contact and we always make sure both see her on her birthday.

I think it’s hard, but not impossible, for your partner to a new precedent around birthdays right now, 16 is an awkward age. It won’t be long before she’s an adult though and will feel free from the EOW arrangement that has presumably been in place for a while now.

I have step children and my own children 50/50. If it's not our day we have the "right" to see then according to the parenting agreement but we celebrate on the closest day to their birthday. This year it meant I didn't see my DD until 3 days after her birthday but that was her choice as she preferred to do it that way.

I was all on for writing some suggestions until I got to the part where she’s 16! Offer to take her out for tea the weekend before her birthday or another week day night in her birthday.