High conflict ex

[Breakthemould]

My partner and I have been together 7 years, he has 18yo, 11yo with his ex and we have 4yo together. My partner has been trying to divorce her since they broke up a year before we got together (i had nothing to do with their relationship breaking down- she cheated and ended it) but she has always held the divorce off for one excuse or another.

Despite her also moving on now, the divorce and financial remedy proceedings have been a nightmare dragging on for ever with constant lies from her side and hiding assets ect. Things have been quite messy, confrontational and stressful. She is all about money and is bitter that she has not got the result she was hoping for.

For the first 5 years she pretended I didn't exist and hated if the kids spoke about me. I tried to give space to the situation the whole time, tried to take it slowly, and she then suddenly wanted to communicate with my partner through me and would text me to make arrangementsfor pick up/drop offs ect.. It was ok for a while but then she would start texting me, trying to drag me into their divorce arguments as she said she has blocked my partner’s number. This was all so much more than I wanted or needed to be involved so I asked her if she could go back to communicating with my partner directly.

Recently, things have come to a head and almost concluded with the divorce and she has started bad mouthing me and my partner to her kids saying the most awful things to make them stop coming to us. I'm no angel and had a rocky past when I was much younger but she has actively investigated my past, my exs, who I slept with before I even met my partner and has been telling her kids all of it and really slagging me and their dad off, even speaking ill of my 4 year old.

I am not sure what to do really, I have a great relationship with my other half, and had a pretty steady relationship with his kids before this but their attitude seems to have changed towards me and I'm heartbroken because I feel ashamed about my past as it is and really it was none of her business to have these inappropriate conversations with her kids about this anyway. She also spends her time slagging off their dad and seems to want to drive us all apart. I am finding all of this very hard and intrusive, how can I try to fix the relationship with my partner’s kids as I feel like they don't respect me the same way now. But equally I don't really feel I should have to explain my history to them either as i don't think it's appropriate to share that kind of info with children!!

Help!

Don't try to 'fix the relationship' because there is nothing to fix. I would ignore any change in behaviour, carry on being nice and welcoming and friendly, and take absolutely no notice of her nastiness.

Kids aren't stupid, they can see their mother's behaviour for what it is, Just carry on being you. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Yes this. And good idea to not contact her directly. They'll see who you are.

Several separate issues to unpack here.

Block her on everything. If she wants to arrange contact for the children she speaks to your DH. You do not need any contact with this woman. She is not your friend. Take yourself complete out of the equation with the children. I recommend DH uses email as it’s less intrusive and creates a paper trail.

Your DH can speak to his divorce lawyer for advice on whether the parental alienation can be addressed - and whether contact should be formalised as part of divorce, to ensure she can’t weaponise the children further.

Unless she hired a private detective, it’s hard to see how she discovered so much detailed information about your past. Did you share this information with her? Did your DH? I’d completely ignore and grey rock her. But if her commentary on your life and past is ongoing and on social media, I’d be seeking legal advice to shut her up.

Grey rock www.betterup.com/blog/grey-rocking

All of this. You can't control how she behaves you can only control how you react to it. Let her slag you off, keep being a good person and nice to the kids and they won't be long in working out who's really in the wrong.

My fiancé's ex is high conflict and has also slagged us off to the kids. The kids see through it through it though. Don't ever badmouth her back, let her be the crazy one spouting nonsense and don't stoop to her level.

Restrict contact. Anything to do with the divorce should be through lawyers. You both need to block her on social media and phones etc. You personally should have no contact at all. Your DP should communicate through email only if necessary. The kids are older so a lot of the arrangements can be made through them directly.

Also, when it comes to putting boundaries in place don't "ask" her, tell her what's happening. So not "can you please contact DP instead of me? " DP should say "Moving forward any necessary contact regarding childcare should be made directly to me via email. Do not contact Breakthemould"

Thanks everyone, I used to live in the town she lives in and she knows people I used to know, and I and my partner have been told by people she is friends with that she is forever slating me and digging for info about me from anyone she can who used to know me. A lot of this advice we already do so I guess just carry on and try to rise above it.

I might even seek out some counselling for the issues it has thrown up for me- I was suffering from MH issues badly as a teenager and had very little guidance from responsible adults and this affected my behaviour- it is like looking back on a whole different person and I could cry for that little girl now when I think back. I never speak of the past and my other half doesn't know all of it (I hate myself for it and he didn't even know me then so I don't see why it's relevant and I don't ask about his past).

It was horrible learning that she's been actively digging for dirt on me to spread around, it's all by mouth never any written form unfortunately so hard to actually prove. I guess I just feel so helpless to it and really don't want my other half or his kids to see me in that light. I try so hard to be the adult I really needed back then and to forget the bad bits so feel threatened I guess 💔

You need to come clean with your partner. Don't let them find out about these things from their kids.

I'd also consider talking about your past in a limited kind of way to the 18yr old. They will be finding it hard that someone they trusted has all these secrets and feel lied to - even if you didn't actually lie. They don't need the details, but maybe present it in a way that they can always talk to you, you've been through the rough you get it - and you survived and life is in a good place now kind of thing. I'd leave the 11yr old out of it as I think they are too young to be that open with but maybe in the future.

In terms of your 4yr old I would expect any mistreatment to be jumped on straight the way ideally hy your partner if not by you. Your past has nothing to do with them or their step siblings mother...