Hi,
I would really love so advice, I have no where else to turn to and I am close to tears with this whole situation. Let me give you a bit of back story...
My Fiancè split from his ex in 2018 (his daughter was 1, it was a very quick and shortlived marriage) Their divorce got finalised last year after much hold up from her. I met him 5 months after they split and she has hated me from the very moment, she feels that if it hadn't been for me then there may have been a chance they could have been together again eventually. Anyway, I didn't meet their daughter for a year into our relationship (which is up to them of course)
There was a verbal agreement between them that my partner would have his daughter every other weekend. About 3 years ago mum left and moved 2.5 hours away with their child and my partner was still in the Army so had to stay put.
The mum is ill (MS at 25) and claims not to be able to drive most of the time (apparently only when she is required to drive) so that would mean my partner is expected to drive 5 hours there and back every other Friday and Sunday. This is not a big issue. Mum gets child support because my partner set it up with CSA but mum will often ask for more money, my partner will often give more but if he can't, she will withhold contact and block him from contacting his daughter. He has not spent a single Christmas or birthday with his daughter because the mother feels that it is her right due to being "the main carer" (this is not in writing, just an unspoken agreement). When mother has a partner, she plays ball and will coparent well (she recently broke up with her boyfriend). In the past she has faked illnesses such as cancer, miscarriage and stroke to get attention.
Recently, I have been at my wits end and I am so done with all the drama surrounding this woman.
2 weeks back she called and said she was ill and could we have daughter a few more days. My partner told her that he was unable to take to the time off work so she asked if I would look after their daughter. I was able to take some time off work to do this, so I agreed. The mother is not allowed my number as in the past I have had abusive messages off her and used others phones when I have blocked her. The mother was fine with this and gave me her number incase of an emergency. Later that night their daughter had said to me "why doesn't mum mummy like you? And why does she call you naughty names?" Their daughter got upset and starting crying saying she doesn't understand because im nice. I reassured her and raised the issue with my partner. My partner then rang the mum just to tell her what their daughter said but she flew off the handle. Saying that I needed to "take it with a punch of salt as her daughter is lying" and that I need to "learn to coparent and give her my number and get over the past". My partner then received a ton of abusive texts saying that he was a bad father and that she has to bribe their daughter to come to ours. It was all very unnecessary and only cause upset for us. She then demanded her daughter back later that day despite her daughter being excited for our plans that day. She then called and gaslit her daughter into thinking it was all made up and in her head. She then blocked all contact with my partner for a few days.
My partner later asked me if we should start thinking about going down a legal route to get his time in writing so she can't take it away when she feels like it. I was finally glad that something was being done after years of this rubbish. 24 hours later my partner went back on what he said and told me that he felt it wasn't the right way to go about it as it would make the mother more angry. I was livid, I have stuck by for years and allowed this woman to not only abuse him, but me too and I have been able to do nothing about it. I told him that I wanted no part in it anymore, I am not "coparenting" and I'm not helping when he has another issue. I am just gonna be Daddy's wife, nothing more, I can't. I was then told by him that I should be supportive 100% and to suck it up. I cannot, I have spent the last 2 weeks either angry or numb and he has just ignored this as he doesn't want to talk about it.
When we first got together I tried so hard at being understanding of her manipulation in him, he was completely spineless when it came to standing up to her but 4 years later and I feel its no different. I dotn know what to do or how to jeep my cool enough to speak to him about it. Please help, I have no one that I can talk to and I just wanna cry.
Sorry for the long post. I can answer and additional questions you have.
Thank you