Partner pays everything

[julialisa]

hi,

my 18 and a half year old stepdaughter moved out because she didn’t get on with her father and is with social care since over -a year.

since a view months my partner started to pay everything she wants flying couple of times a year to see his family, giving pocket money, pay for n. ew phone contact. He did do everything already before for her i understand but somehow I feel he is overdoing it.

she goes to college and has time to do a part time job but she is to lazy to earn her own money

she failed her driving theory a couple of times and stopped to continue with it(also my partner paid for it every time)

when she wants to go somewhere she asks my partner to take her so he goes picks her up and drops her of. And when she is finished he picks her up again. Now they also got a app where they can track each other all the time.

i think it’s not Normal but when talking about her he gets very sensitive

how do you see the situation ?

Stay out of it - not your issue. You patently don't like her so any comments you make are hugely biased.

Not enough information to make sensible answers on this either

Paying for an 18/19 year olds expenses is very common since many are in education or low incomes. I have a 19yo who has student loans during term time but when she's home she has no expenses bar her car related costs. Her dad pays her phone contract and will do so until she graduates. I see nothing wrong with this either.
My teenagers don't allow me to track them which is fine. They are good kids who deserve privacy.

Your partner must have been devastated when she went into care. (It sounds like she chose that option) You don't mention her mum in this so I assume that she is unavailable but I can see why your partner clings onto the only way that might make things better (money)

Are things better between them now that she's moved out ?

She moved from her mums to ours because they had problems and she is still quite rude to her mum.

she is using him and that’s what’s upsetting me. She could have all that too when she was with us but because she wasn’t allowed to do whatever she wants she moved out. And getting social and police involved from her side was bad. So if she hates him so much why is she doing that?

she can be a very nice girl knowing her since 10 years but I am very upset about what she did and now that she gets everything from him she is being an angel and even asking him if she is allowed to go out even though she doesn’t live with us?

i still believe she could look for a part time job and save money for the future as her college is not every day and on some days only 2h max where she only sleeps

thanks for coming back but I would like to understand what makes you think I don’t like her?

she choose to move out and get social and police involved when things didn’t go her way so why only taking all the things she has anyway when she is with us instead of making it more complicated for us not living with us?

why shall he pay for her when she is over 18 and decided to go?

she is more than welcome to be back with us and she know but she doesn’t want to

I think that he does not have to do this, but he is choosing to do it. The reasonable position for you to take is that you are not comfortable contributing to finance the situation, and beyond that you should not get involved.

What you see as him being used, he may see him acting in a fatherly manner. Neither of you should have to change your views, you can simply choose not to be involved. As long as he is willing to do this , it is a situation between father and daughter. He should not expect you to contribute to this arrangement.

Many parents are still supporting, in part or in full, their children at ages 18 and beyond particularly if they are or have plans to continue education or some form of training.

If this is becoming a major stressor for you, then you may have to make some choices related to your future.

He may well know that she mainly calls when she wants something. BUT she is his child and if this is a way of keeping communication open and in touch he may think it’s worth it. At least he has an idea of if she is ok or not.

Is it from money he earns? Does he pay his fair share of your household costs?

If so then I'd stay out of it.

It’s his money but I also pay more to household and support to his investment where I am not yet mentioned.

god forbid something is happening to him I won’t see 50k again

Thank you, I would support her too if she has a goals that she wants to achieve but she already says she doesn’t want to work. She will marry early and be a stay at home mum because she can’t be bothered

I’m not sure I follow - is your partner her dad? So she doesn’t get on with your partner and has been in social care for over a year? She’s not living with you, your partner simply gives her lots of money for stuff, is that right?

You paying for everything while he pays into an investment is an entirely separate issue.. .. he should pay 50% of your joint costs and if you are both paying into an investment, your name should be on it...

I still pay everything for my 19 year old.. and will continue to do so while he is at college. If he also had a job, we will talk about it - but for now... he doesn't.

How has she got social care at 18? Is she vulnerable?

Get that sorted then. Whatever ever paperwork you need get on that investment.

And he needs to pay his fair share of household costs, whatever the two of you decide that is.

Yes exactly

She is on social because she was overacting and now been classed as traumatised because once at her mind she tried to suicide because her mum didn’t do what she wants

Yes

My goodness. Sort out your own finances and protect your own assets. You're distracting yourself with the teenager who is none of your business.

Lots of 18/19 year olds are still getting their act together.

Most 18/19 year olds rely on their parents for financial and practical support.

He should give her money IMO.

Worry about yourself.

Like it's so easy to be eligible for social security due to mental health and trauma.

She would have had to meet the governments criteria and provide evidence as such. Lots of unwell people don't qualify, so I doubt she qualified because 'her mum didn't do what she wanted' or what have you.

No wonder she moved out when you are minimising her trauma like this.

Paying basic expenses through university is my plan for my child. I expect her to earn money here and there, but mainly to provide herself with a bit of fun money. From my perspective, as long as she takes her education seriously, it is my job to allow her to focus on her studies.

What he is doing is completely normal, she is his child. You really sound like you dislike her, minimising her trauma, etc. As long as he is paying his fair share in your joint costs, then stay out of it.

Leave him to it, sort out your investment so you are protected.

A dad is supporting his young adult daughter who has previously bee suicidal, I really wouldn't get in the middle of that.

You asked further up why someone thought you didn't like her, but didn't actually say whether you do or don't.

Honestly OP - do you like this woman or not?

Because everything you say, and how you say it, sounds like you really dislike her. That will be clouding your judgement on this.

once at her mind she tried to suicide
Sorry, what?
Once in her mind she tried to commit suicide as in she took 3 paracetamol and called announcing she'd overdosed or once at her Mom's she tried to complete suicide? Because if she's actually made an attempt on her own life and you are this contemptuous of her needing support, I'd cut your loses and leave.

Like it's so easy to be eligible for social security due to mental health and trauma

Completely agree with this. You sound very unsympathetic and lacking compassion. Her parents separated and then she moved homes three times - now in social care. It really isn't a great life for her.

She must feel very unwelcome and untrusting of the adults in her life and of course she will seek reassurance from her dad that he is prepared to help her - monetary assistance became he won't let her live with him.

I think you need to see her as a victim, depression in teens is often shown by rebellion. She needs to focus on her mental health recovery so I can understand that a part time job is taking a backseat.

Dont get involved negatively - this is a traumised teen. If she succeeded in her attempt your partner would suffer great guilt so he will have to do whatever he can to support her. The teenage brain continues to develop until 28.

why shall he pay for her when she is over 18 and decided to go

It's his daughter and his choice to give her money.

Don't stress about things outside of your control.