Why am I finding this so hard to get past?

[malificent7]

Been with dp for 7 years, engaged to be married next year...love him to bits...he's a gentle, kind, loving man with a lovely dd.

However, when we 1st got together he was still enmeshed with his ex. She had cheated on him and moved her affair partner in yet dp was still working at her house and contributing bills to look after his dd from home.
In time this ceased but only a year after we had been together. I was very good about this.

When I first got with dp his ex ( despite apparently not being the jealous type), did get jealous and tried to lure him back in.....they were apparently reminiscing about the past.

In the past dp has told me that his ex likes my hair or dosn't think i should dye it blonde , or. likes my dress. On the surface it seems nice but i don't think they should be discussing my appearance.

The latest is that she threw a strop as she wasn't invited to my wedding ceremony.

She just got married but likes to have a hold. He says his boundaries are firm...i think he's bullshitting.

I'm not leaving him...we are going to relate.

I've also had to deal with late mil showing me their wedding cake and keeping wedding photos up, going on weekends away with mutual friends and them being cold to me.

On a positive note, we attended his exes wedding party ( not the ceremony)and his family said i was good for him.

He is brilliant in many other ways but i just don't feel good enough for him.

My DP spent the first 5 years of our 20 year relationship helping to upkeep ex's house, running around after, helping with bills, dropping everything to go if she needed him etc. It was EXACTLY the same. She was unfaithful, then wanted him back, then left 21 messages for him on our wedding day because she wasn't invited!

I went with it, often very angrily, but came to understand it was for the children. To help keep them warm and fed, to keep the house in good order ( housing association), to keep the peace at their home and to ensure she wouldn't disrupt their very frequent time with us.

I soon came to admire DH for it and it gradually became less and less. Mind you, 20 years on, she's recently had a meltdown because we didn't include her on a week away with all the, now grown up, children!

Could this be behind your DPs attention to her?

I think at the heart of it, he does want to put his dd 1st and i do admire him for that. I do find it incredibly hurtful though.

For example, he had to give her a lengthy explanation about why she wasn't invited to the wedding. Why? She is coming to the ceremony.

The evening before we moved in together he had to drop something round at her house ( for his dd mind) rather than help me pack.

She is coming to the party i mean!

Anyone else?

ARGH RUN! He's still into her.

How old is his DD?

What specifically are you struggling to get past?

Is it the things they talk about together?

How old is his DD? As you say he's a good man, so the first year of him helping out is probably just his kind nature. Anything after that is wrong.

I had the mutual friend problem and MIL banging on about ex wife and having photos up, much of that has stopped now. But I never ever had any doubts of him going back to his ex. He's made it so very clear he really doesn't like her one little bit.

Do you have feelings he might want to go back?

Why is she coming to the ceremony?

no!!!!!

After 7 years I would also find it annoying because it does sound like his ex does not respect his boundaries however clear they may be, in which case there's nothing more you can do because it is up to the ex to accept and respect your relationship and marriage. What's going to happen when you have your own child/ren? She doesn't have to like you and vice versa but comments about your appearance are unnecessary - your fiance shouldn't be talking about you with her like that. What for? I think if you could just get it all out in the open from your side and if your fiance can as well you can be a strong team and support each other. Personally I would just focus on your step dd and have as little as possible to with her mum. Good luck!

OP you have to set your boundaries with your DP, and in turn he will then have to set the with his ex.

Personally I wouldn’t invite exes to my wedding. It is inviting them to be part of your life when clearly that’s not what you want, your wedding is for your loved ones and friends to share.
I also would take offence at photos still being displayed at his parents home, and he should too given that she cheated on him. Never mind respect for you, where’s the respect for her own son?!

My DH and I have had disagreements in the past over some things as his ex is obsessed with our relationship and passing comments, despite having “moved on” with someone else. It’s a control thing.
The way I came to look at it is that I actually feel sorry for her, because she’s never going to be truly happy with someone else if she can’t move on with her life. I have an ex whom I have a child with and our dynamic is very different, he has his life and I have mine, we co-parent very well and are respectful towards each other.
My DH can be a bit of a soft touch and it irritates the hell out of me, but I’ve come to realise that he’s just keeping things amicable as his ex is high-conflict and he wants to see his child.

If you feel you trust your DP and there’s nothing other than him being a bit of a soft touch with her then ignore her. But be clear to your DP that they are not to discuss you and if she makes comments about you he is to be dismissive so she gets the message. You are entitled to your feelings in all of this too.

I don’t understand why she’s coming to the wedding party, very strange!!!

That is all very strange and too entangled. My DP has an ex who he has kids with and no way would I have her at my wedding and She would feel the same.

By this point in time the relationship between the two parents your DP and his ex should be cordial but transactional only in relation to the kids. I would be putting a stop to any conversations about your appearance with a ‘do not talk about x with exw thank you very much”

Glad it's not just me then! Rogue V....she is coming to the wedding because I am trying to extend the olive branch. She invited us to her reception and we went...i feel like we have to, to keep things amicable
The thing that bugs me is that she will compliment my appearance to dp...like "xxxx wore a lovely dress" or* xxxx should keep her hair brown as it looks really healthy." But it bugs me as it involves confidences between them about me....that on the surface seem nice but are a bit inappropriate.

I do feel that he is merely the soft touch in all this.

Why do you have to have her in your life at all?

many people who are separated and have kids have very little contact

the odd phone call or text message here and there about important information but she has got no right to comment upon your appearance!!

why is she playing with your partner like this? Toying with him and patronising you both!!

she obviously thinks he’s a walkover and that she knows how to pull his strings!!

How old is the child?

I can absolutely imagine this woman rubbing off on said child. What a ride you could be in for!!

is your husband wealthy by any chance?

Said child is adorable and very loving towards me.

He's not wealthy btw.

This would drive me nuts. I’d have a chat with him OP and be like we’re getting married it’s us now I know you have kids with ex but you don’t need to be best friends just civil for the kids sake. Especially after her trying to get back with him it would make me feel on edge even more. Again if he popped round to help out with something that impacts the kids it’s different for example pumping up their tyre on a bike but not being her personal handyman. Have an open honest chat about how it’s making you feel

He's no longer her personal handyman. She just got married and has kids with the om but i'm going to counselling to deal with my anger with how she treated me in the early days. He's happy to come too.