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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

My stepchild comes to spend time with me not her parent

14 replies

Annoymous2022 · 27/10/2022 22:07

I feel torn, I really have not many complaints of being a stepparent. There are issues with the ex but over time I’ve learnt to manage these. Sometimes my stepchild can be hard work like all kids. My biggest issue is that I feel she comes to spend time with me not my partner. It’s really difficult as I do like spending time with her but I try and take a step back so they can spend time together eg going upstairs to do work and she will just follow me and sit in her room until I finish. My partner is always happy to play with her and watch tv together but she would rather sit on her bed willing me to finish what I am doing. It is similar when I leave the house she will go sit in her room. She is asking to spend more time with us but I’m a bit torn as it means that I need to take more time out of work to spend with her and it doesn’t seem to be helping build/maintain the relationship between her and my partner.

OP posts:

BaconCabbage · 27/10/2022 22:56

Are you female and DP Male? If so, what is SDs relationship like with her mum?

My SD is similar, I think it might be because I am a woman so she sort of looks up to me... could it be something like that?

Original poster

Annoymous2022 · 28/10/2022 06:34

Yes I’m female and he is male. There doesnt seem to be any big barriers in their relationship when we do things together they laugh and joke. He picks her up and takes her home and she is always happy to see him but then when I’m there it’s like she isn’t able to focus. It’s hard to work out a balance for her coming over because it involves me giving up a lot of my time which for every other weekend is fine and feasible with work but any more it will be difficult and being self employed I will have to take unpaid time off. I don’t want to not respect her wishes to spend more time here but am in the right to decline when I know it isn’t really about her spending time with her dad. I do a lot of work from home which adds to it as she will just sit and wait for me to finish not engaging with her dad. I sometimes book activities for them to go out and do something they’ll both enjoy but I can tell she moody before that I can’t come and really wants to get back. It does all boil down to some issues in her attachment, things aren’t always settled at home with her mum and her dad should step up then to be there for her but I just fed it falls on me. He does try with her like I say but it doesn’t seem to work. This has been ongoing for 3 years at first I thought it was just the novelty and she would get bored of me.

OP posts:

SpookyPanda · 28/10/2022 06:36

Does dad take her out for the day?

Don't take unpaid time off to facilitate this. It will only increase the problem.

SpookyPanda · 28/10/2022 06:38

How old is she roughly. I think dad has to keep taking her out or you go out and do your own thing if she gets sulky then tough

ParsnipsAndPies · 28/10/2022 06:45

Your partner needs to step up. Why is it you have to think of things and book things for them to do together? He's her parent. I'm sure he'd be happy for her to come to yours more often - less maintenance to pay and doesn't really affect him in terms of effort. What does he do when she goes to wait in her room?

You sound like a lovely stepmum, but don't allow his lack of parenting to adversely affect your career.

Wallywobbles · 28/10/2022 06:59

It sounds like this might be edging towards 50/50. If you are always making time to play it's no wonder she'd rather be with you.

If I'm at work I'm at work. And I work from home. But no one sees me or is allowed to interrupt me from 8-6. I come out for a quick lunch but I don't make lunch for everyone else. If they're on holiday and I'm working every one else steps up not me.

Talk to her so she has the facts. Explain that when she's there no it's mostly during non work time. But that won't be the case if she's there more. Make sure she understands that.

Goldbar · 28/10/2022 07:05

Can you go and work out of the house while she's there? If not, I think you just need to set really clear boundaries on how much time you have to give her. I'd set expectations from the start...'Just to let you know, guys, this is a working weekend for me so I'll be working until 3pm today but then I can take some time out and we can go for a walk/ for a hot chocolate together unless you two have other plans'. And make it clear to your partner that work means work and DSD can't be in the same room as you when you're working. I'd also just plug in headphones and ignore her, e.g. if she's sitting on her bed upstairs. She'll soon find something more interesting to do.

powercut101 · 29/10/2022 23:17

How's her relationship with her mum ? My friends daughter is like this with her sm and my friend can't see why but it's blindingly obvious that my friend has been a very emotionally absent parent. She's not neglected her, but certainly never gone out of her way to be a hands on mum in anyway, actively ignores her daughter (it's painful to watch actually). There's a massive mum shaped vacuum in her life and her sm fills that.

Much to my friends annoyance "why does she bake with her, just give her switch and let her play games all day that's what I do" has been uttered more than once.

I suspect in this case it's the same. There's a vacancy somewhere and your dsd has chosen you to fill it. Whether you do is up to you. But you will be dammed on here either way it seems so you might as well go with your gut.

drkpl · 29/10/2022 23:26

I feel for the girl, she obviously feels very attached to you. I’m glad you’re such a good stepmother. I understand why this is also difficult for you, you’ve got your own priorities and she’s not your own child. It’s difficult because if she was your own you’d feel more comfortable telling her to give you some space while you need to work. I think this is something you might have to sit down and explain to her. Explain that you care for her and want to spend time with her, but you’re busy with XYZ and that you will set x amount of time for her to spend with you when she comes over (even if it’s like 30 minutes). Remind her that her dad loves her very much and that he really wants to spend time with her too.

MeridianB · 30/10/2022 07:33

It’s great that she’s so fond of you but regular, quality time with her dad - including plenty of 1:1 time - is really important.

How old is she?

SpookyPanda · 30/10/2022 07:55

How proactive is dad being? If he starts trying to do something with her when she wants to do something with you that might help?

Weezol · 30/10/2022 10:14

Spooky Panda has it. Her dad needs to divert her attention when you need to work. It's up to him to engage her in something else.

Iwanttoslowdown · 30/10/2022 10:17

You’re giving her something that she’s not getting elsewhere so keep doing it but put the boundaries in. Well done OP.

Mynoodlesareoodles · 30/10/2022 10:18

If you were working from an office away from home, she wouldn't be there disturbing you. You need to be clear that you have a job and this is your work time and can't be disturbed. She has an actual parent there who can spend time with her and you can also spend time with her when it works for you.

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