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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Struggling to connect with eldest DSD

17 replies

Bobismycat · 27/10/2022 09:07

On holiday with DSDs at the moment. Am very close with the youngest but far less with the eldest and this week has really showed that. Tried to talk to her about it last night - she's almost 18 and figured it might help to offer her a more adult one to one.

Asked her what I could do to improve our relationship, that I was conscious it wasn't as easy as with her sister and I'd really like to hear any thoughts she had. She said DH and I got together very quickly (2 years after he split with his ex) and married very quickly (4.5 years after split) and she was very close to her mum (who has partner of c 3.5 years).

I know that her mum has accused DH of cheating with me (we didn't even know each other til after their split!) and has always said their divorce was very quick despite DH not applying for it til 3 years post split on no fault basis. So it feels like she's parroting that false narrative.

I pointed out the timescales to her and asked what did she think a good way forward was and she just totally shut me down.

I feel like there's very little else I can do to try and make our relationship easier and friendlier - does anyone have any bright ideas? Or do I just grin and bear it and enjoy the relationship I have with youngest dsd?

OP posts:
SpookyPanda · 27/10/2022 12:38

I think you're just going to have to wait until she's older and had life experience and hope she thinks for herself

SpookyPanda · 27/10/2022 12:39

As long as she's not being rude then just come to a mutual understanding to be civil and don't feel obliged to do anything for her

RedWingBoots · 27/10/2022 13:20

Is she planning on going away to uni? If so leave those discussions until she graduates.

If not wait until she has been in the world of work for 5 years so meets more people in blended families whether they are parents or children.

Remainiac · 27/10/2022 13:40

She doesn’t believe you regarding the timelines and that’s why she’s blanking your suggestions for better relationship.

SalviaOfficinalis · 27/10/2022 13:44

It sounds like she’s telling you it felt “quick” to her. And instead of acknowledging that it must have been an unsettling time for her you’re telling her that she’s wrong to feel it was quick.

It doesn’t matter what the actual timescale was, that’s how she feels about it. I’m not surprised she shut it down because she probably felt you shut her down.

I would just continue to be nice, pleasant etc but don’t have any expectations of a close relationship. If it develops in time then that’s a bonus.

LovelyBitOfSquirrel69 · 27/10/2022 14:13

It's not that quick. But I'd back off if I were you - she's clearly got her own issues.

My eldest SS thought for years that I was the reason his parents split up. (I most definitely wasn't). He didn't speak to me beyond a grunt for a long long time. He now realises he was wrong but I've never really had anything like an apology or acknowledgement from him. It is what it is.

SpookyPanda · 27/10/2022 18:09

I think some times it's not even that they think you're the reason their parents split, if you get married or have a baby it's like one final nail in the "my parents will never get back together" coffin. Until that time I think little (and bigger) kids sometimes like to dream of their two favourite people back together. It's not personal.

DriftwoodOnTheShore · 27/10/2022 18:16

She'll realise one day that her mother lied about there being an affair.

LovelyBitOfSquirrel69 · 27/10/2022 20:17

DriftwoodOnTheShore · 27/10/2022 18:16

She'll realise one day that her mother lied about there being an affair.

And that's exactly what happened in my situation.

LadyCluck · 27/10/2022 20:41

You’ve tried. That’s what’s important.
Continue to be civil but don’t go out of your way for her and don’t feel guilty.
Like a PP said hopefully one day she’ll think for herself.

Original poster
Bobismycat · 28/10/2022 08:31

Thanks all, I appreciate the advice. It will be a relief to drop the rope tbh. I feel terribly worried about poor DH and am desperate for him not to feel stuck in the middle but I thunk think benign indifference might have to be the way forward for a bit.

I need another holiday to get over this one! Exhausted... 🙈

OP posts:
SpookyPanda · 28/10/2022 08:32

Bobismycat · 28/10/2022 08:31

Thanks all, I appreciate the advice. It will be a relief to drop the rope tbh. I feel terribly worried about poor DH and am desperate for him not to feel stuck in the middle but I thunk think benign indifference might have to be the way forward for a bit.

I need another holiday to get over this one! Exhausted... 🙈

Your DH won't be stuck in the middle though. Just be civil.

PeterRabbitIsNotHere · 28/10/2022 14:52

I have a rude DSD who only parrots her mother's rhetoric. There's no point, I disengaged completely from her.

TheSecondMrsMoorcroft · 13/11/2022 18:19

My youngest step daughter went NC for five years when DH and I married. I relocated to marry him 8yrs after his wife’s affair which ended the marriage.

I’ve had 13 yrs of walking on eggshells and not speaking up for myself. Finally, husband has said he “cannot have a relationship with his kids (now adults) and a relationship with you”. He has moved out. We are divorcing. Best part of two decades over. Wasted years. Husband has apologised to me for “seeing how the kids were but failing to sort it out”. I am 60, bereft and about to lose my home.

A warning.

PeterRabbitIsNotHere · 13/11/2022 21:27

TheSecondMrsMoorcroft · 13/11/2022 18:19

My youngest step daughter went NC for five years when DH and I married. I relocated to marry him 8yrs after his wife’s affair which ended the marriage.

I’ve had 13 yrs of walking on eggshells and not speaking up for myself. Finally, husband has said he “cannot have a relationship with his kids (now adults) and a relationship with you”. He has moved out. We are divorcing. Best part of two decades over. Wasted years. Husband has apologised to me for “seeing how the kids were but failing to sort it out”. I am 60, bereft and about to lose my home.

A warning.

I’m sorry - this is terrible.

I am married but felt this could be my position so I’ve bought my own place and we live apart together. It’s working but only because I made it so and it’s not easy.

Its ironic that the woman I blame for the hostility of her daughter believes I’ve ruined her daughter’s relationship with her father and I’m to blame for everything from global warming to bird flu! She has literally no idea what her daughter is capable of and the poison she dropped into her ears has turned her into a monster. Her father has monster sized blinkers on.

TheSecondMrsMoorcroft · 13/11/2022 22:11

I have collated letters to/from my soon to be exH over the past 10 yrs. Pitiful reading made necessary by his cold silences and withdrawal/disappearing for days on end. If I expressed any distress regarding his kids (as adults) he would eventually and reluctantly apologise for seeing it and doing nothing. Failing to act.

It is of no comfort to me.

PeterRabbitIsNotHere · 13/11/2022 22:19

Marriage to men with children should carry a health warning! It’s not for the feint hearted.
Coupled with that is the total lack of support for step parents in real life and online!! This forum can be vicious to step parents.
Good luck @TheSecondMrsMoorcroft

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