Update: Weekend was good, yesterday bm says she doesn't want me in her house.

[Nelli29]

Anyone who has read my other threads knows that I'm finding this whole situation quite difficult. After finding this site and letting off some steam, which has really helped, I felt I could tackle a few of the complex issues involved. SD was due to come to us friday just gone, which she did and for the first time in a while we ALL had a nice weekend, DH was much more assertive and suportive , SD had a couple of tantrums when faced with DH saying no to her but she reacted well to these subtle changes and on the sunday morning she said she didn't want to go home. All in all I felt so much better and although I knew we still had a long way to go, I knew we were on the right road. When we took sd home she took me into her house to show me her new bedroom, this has happened a couple of times before and I have had polie chats with bm, so I didn't think anything of it really. Sd's stepday was very friendly but bm was nowhere to be seen. Yesterday when DH was on the way home from work bm rang him and told him that she did't want me in her house. She said that I didn't talk to her. I have always tried to be a reasonable person, but I don't understand what she wants from me, Most of the time I just say a quick hello, nod and laugh politely in the right places and thats it, Occasionally I stay in the car and wait for dh wihich has apparently wound bm up! Sd had told me she wanted us all to go to her christmas play but bm said there was no way I was to go and it should be just bm and dh. I can't help getting upset about this and feel awful today. It just feels like just as things get on track again she instinctively knows and does her best to rock the boat - and most of the time she succeeds! I know the best way to get to her is to let it go over my head but most of the time I just feel like crying because its all so stressful. Everything else about my relationship is fantastic and my dh is the most kind and giving person I've ever known. BM drives me insane!!!

There are lots of good things here. Your stepdaughter had a really good weekend, and so did you. She didn't want to go home, which is a real tribute to you - so well done. You've come a long way and so has your dh. Lots and lots of good news which I think you should focus on. Believe me, I know all about unreasonable exes. I have never, ever been in my dh's ex's house, and dh isn't allowed in either. For a long time, he wasn't even allowed to park on their drive so had to park ten minutes away because 'otherwise he might squash the flowers'! Do you know what I think happened? I think your stepdaughter told her mother that she had a lovely time and it has triggered all sorts of feelings of rage and insecurity and jealousy and you are getting the brunt of it. It's nothing to do with you, it's not personal, these are all her issues. The only thing she wants from you is for you to go away, but you aren't going to do that, so tough. What a shame a nice little girl is stuck in the middle, eh? Focus on all the good stuff and really, really try to shrug off the silly jealousy. The less you are affected by it, the more she will gradually realise it's a waste of everyone's time. Go and talk to your husband, say how pleased you were about the weekend, how happy your stepdaughter was and how much you enjoyed it and were proud of him for standing up for you. I think with things going so well at home it would have been lovely to go to the Christmas play, but maybe tell your stepdaughter that you would love to go, and will definitely come next year but you have something you have to do this year - no point in making things worse when things are going so well. But next year you WILL go! This woman will back off eventually. You'll never be friends, you might never speak to her, but it will stop affecting your life like this.

Honestly, you could be be me five or six years ago! I do sympathise.

This was me five years ago too! It really does get better and easier. There are always going to be problems in a situation like this, but they do become so much easier to deal with and you've taken some really positive steps this weekend and deserve a big pat on the back.

Any luck with getting sd to sleep in her room in your house?

I meant to say in the previous message that I agree with Aloha re bm. Try and ignore her behaviour. She is threatened by you and acting irrationally because of that. This may change, or it may not, but what really matters is that you have a happy life in your home with sd and dh.

You aren't alone. I have exactly the same problems with with Sd's bm. I started off trying to be friendly and polite and she told my dh "don't ever expect me to speak to that woman - she married you". They had split up 6 months before I even met him!

SD has always wanted me to go to sports days and christmas plays, and while it isn't down to bm, we have always asked her if it was OK with her as we didn't want to turn up and there be a scene (on her part). Not good for dsd and we wouldn't put the school in the position of having to deal with it. Her usual response has been to phone her solicitor and the school and "have arrangements put in place" to arrest me for trespass the minute I step foot on the school premises (as if she could!). Our response has been "we'll take that as a no then"!! She, on the other hand, has taken whichever partner she was with at the time and that was perfectly OK.

I have just played it that if she wants to speak to me and start to build bridges then I will meet her halfway, otherwise I just let her wind herself up and rise above it..... well, most of the time anyway! I do get angry and frustrated as I feel I do so much for my dsd, and its a thankless task, especially as I'm the invisible one, who isn't allowed to be mentioned, and also because bm applies different rules to her own boyfriends.

Aloha is right - she is probably upset because your sd had a really good time. Try not to let her get to you.

I really do feel for you. When DS1 goes to visit his dad I am more than happy fot his partner to be incorporated into his life. After all we are the adults. I have seen so many women ues their children a sweapons against ex partners as they feel that is the only control they have over them.

How can we expect our children to grow up into well adjusted adults if this is the example we set ??

Good on you for being so positive ! Just remember kids are not stupid and will see for themselves what is going on soon enough.

OOer, I thought mine was nuts Pedilia! I love the 'trespass' bit. Mine once called the parents of a child who was going to do a sleepover at our house with my stepdaughter, to tell them our house was 'dangerous' and on no account were they to let their child sleepover. The fact that her child had been living then staying in this 'dangerous' house for seven years without mishap didn't seem to occur to her!

A lot of BMs have irrational issues with the "new wife" of their ex... especially where children are involved.

All I can say is Please, don't take it to heart... life is far too short to worry about "her" (BM) tantrums. It is difficult for "her" to let go of the familiarity and so called life she once had with her ex (your dp/dh) and she knows she just has to get on with life but can't get past that hurdle. She will use any excuse to take her anger/embarrassment/inadequacy/shame/disappointment/sadness/grief - or whatever you want to call it, out on you.

Most of the time in many volitile cases, the BM uses the children as a weapon, turning them agains the new wife etc.

Most BMs cannot see their future without the life they once had, no matter how good their lives may be now, or how awful they felt before. She will eventually find her own road, or she won't. If she doesn't then all is lost for her, as one day, she will not have the children, she will be all alone. I hope that BMs who struggle to find their way do eventually find a path they are happy on. It is only themselves they are hurting in the end.

I don't think that any (most anyway) BMs want to go back to the way things were with their ex... I don't think that you have any concerns in that area... The BM will try to make some sort of relationship with the father, for the childrens sake, but don't forget, all they know of that kind of relationship is the marital one.

I suggest you hold tight, don't take any shit or rudeness from BM, but give her time to settle and see that her efforts to get to you do not work... and that she can have your attention, and that of your dh, when she is pleasant and cooperative. You are only human but choose not to be so personally involved with this upset. Not your problem... keep telling yourself that it is not your fault too.

The only relationship there should be is for the children. IF they see such hatred and upset then how are they going to turn out? Chill out and just let her get on with it.

Good luck... give it time.

jojo38 - I can see what you are saying and am grateful for everyones point of view. As far as BM goes, she is not some lonely women who is heartbroken and can't move on, she was the one who had an affair and she's remarried etc, she doesn;t want dh but doesn't want anyone else to have him either!! Its very hard being understanding and calm all the time, as we all know. My sd has not suffered in any of this tension, she is very happy at home and with us, the situation is never going to be easy , i know that it just exhausts me mentally sometimes.

I don't think it's very helpful to make wild generalisations about mothers who have separated from the fathers of their children. Talking about people's "so-called lives" is a really dismissive attitude to what all parties (father, mother and children) have experienced and I don't think anyone should make assumptions about what another, hostile party, is thinking or feeling.

All you can do is be responsible for your own feelings and your own behaviour and Nelli, you seem to be managing that reasonably well. It's never going to be easy, but if you continue to hang on to your own perspective rather than allowing yourself to be embroiled in ex's, you'll do all right.