Changing Christmas traditions

[awaodnsma]

More of an AIBU really!

I have two DD's aged 6 & 8. DSS is 11 and this is our first Christmas all living together as a family.

I've always been very anti elf on the shelf, I find it very American, and just more to add on to a busy mums plate in one of the busiest time and money pressed months so we have never had an elf and my eldest has always known others who have elves in the house have the parents move them.

DSS has an elf at his mums and is expecting this to happen at our house this Christmas and I really don't want to.

I know it sounds very scrooge but we both work full time, my eldest is autistic and still doesn't sleep through the night and I just am exhausted most of the time, the idea of thinking of an elf idea every night gives me the chills. But just doing on the one night of the week DSD stays will mean having to carry on as how do I explain to my youngest that the elf only visits when he stays and not during the week.

AIBU to say no? If he was a very small child I'd go with it to keep the Christmas magic but he is well aware the parents move it so should understand why it only happens when his mum does it?

Tell your husband that is his child wants to do elf on the shelf, he can do it every day. It’s not your job to do it.

^ I agree. I wouldn't be doing it personally.

I don't even do Father Christmas at my house. When the step children were young enough their dad just said he went only to one house so it'd be there when they returned. Was fine for them.

How many seconds does it take to move the scary-arsed-freaky-elf?

YANBU. He's 11. He knows Santa ain't real.

Your husband can arrange the elf in his sons room if he wants to carry it on in your joint house.

the only fair rule is that different households have different rules. It's fair enough that his mother is happy to host an elf, you and dp either don't, or hand over full responsibility to DH/DP

Also surely if he believes in the elf he can not expect to get two?
His elf is the one at his Mum's.
The end.

Like everyone else has said this is on his dad to facilitate

If your husband wants an elf, then your husband can do the elf.

you tell your children that the parents are moving the elf around as part of a game where they find the elf each morning. If one child happens to be up when elf is moved, perhaps that child can help hide elf for other child.

Could you get the 11 year old on on the secret as a one off and he could do the moving and fun and games or whatever?

Say you've argued with the elf and he's not coming over as you don't like his spying antics. Elf protocol maintained. No impact on your household.

YABU to say no elf. Your stepson needs to feel at home at his dad’s house and if that means bringing traditions you find too American then so be it.

YANBU to say you’re not doing any of the work involved. Your husband is his dad and he can do the set up and clearing away.

AIBU to say no? If he was a very small child I'd go with it to keep the Christmas magic but he is well aware the parents move it so should understand why it only happens when his mum does it?

Is there a reason his dad can't do it for him?

Is he now living with you full time?

DH should do all the set-ups if DSS really expects it. Just be careful DH doesn’t blow the secret if DSS really does still believe!

But if he’s grown out of it, how about DSS doing the set-ups for your youngest two to discover? He gets to have a slightly later bedtime, see their reactions next morning, etc. Could be a really nice new version of the tradition.

DSS only stays one night a week, it's not a case of ruining the magic as he knows it's the parents moving the elf, but likes it anyway.

The difficulty is then my youngest child and bringing a new tradition into the home because it's then the 6 other nights of the week of moving it around.

In theory DP would be happy to do it but I know in reality a lot will fall on me when DSS isn't with us as I finish work earlier and do bedtimes evening routine for my own DC so on a lot of occasions I know I'd end up having to do it and I already feel I have so much on my plate in the evenings with DD sleeping so poorly.

Did DSS dad do any Elf on the Shelf for his DS on previous Christmases, before living with your DD's?

I would have no part of elf on the shelf. It seems really annoying and pointless. Just tell your husband you are not going to do it and stick to your word. Let him either do it or not.

Your husband can deal with the bloody elf. If it only moves when he can be arsed then so be it.

Do a paperchain countdown for your little one or something. Much more fun.

Elf on the fucking shelf. Who invented this bullshit?

Don't do it. It's not your job.

If he knows it's not real and parents are moving it (as he should at 11 anyway) then definitely don't bother. Just explain why you don't have one. No magic ruined so no harm done.

He'll be going to senior school next year I imagine and it will be very uncool then, so don't put yourself through it for the sake of 1 Xmas!

Yes DP previously did an elf on the shelf when he lived alone and had DSS but that was obviously only the one night a week, if I didn't have DDs then doing it for one night wouldn't be an issue but my thinking is that this could be a good time to stop? He is already at secondary school so will likely be the last year, but introducing it in our home probably means another 4/5 years with youngest and it's just honestly not something I ever wanted to bring into my home.

I think I will just have to be very firm that if we do an elf that is entirely on DP to sort and I'll explain to youngest that the parents move the elf for a bit of fun at the weekends maybe.

Eldest DD was about her age when she came home asking about school friends elves and I chose to then explain then about parents moving them rather than have her feel that the elves from the North Pole just don't visit our house so I suppose no harm done telling youngest!

He's 11 for crying out loud, surely the (stupid) elf thing is for little kids?
He's old enough to know what happens in one house dies t happen in another.

I’m going against the grain here. Yes he’s 11, but it’s his first Christmas with a new family so to speak. He likes and enjoys the childhood tradition. Is it so hard to accommodate? He’s 11 not 14 and he’s at that cross over where he’s growing up, but childhood seems safe and comforting and it’s nice to hold into bits of it.
my oldest knows Father Christmas isn’t real, but she enjoys the magic of Christmas and enjoys it for her little sister.

I agree that elf on the shelf is a creepy tacky thing. But both my girls love it when she arrives (we have a girl one)

also agree it’s for your DH to shoulder some of the load though

Can you and him together come up with a different tradition for your home, ideally one that does not take up so much brain space and that you would be happy to carry on in future years, and use this instead?

Something like in this house we don't do elf on a shelf but instead every year we look forward to <stirring the Christmas Pudding / making a Christmas Tree topper / putting temporary snow decals on the windows / watching Home Alone on the third Tuesday of December / going Ice Skating / lighting the Advent candles >. If you can find something that your younger DC can also take part it, you can build a new tradition for future years.

Elf on a Shelf is really about building anticipation, can you find something that captures that spirit but is also a positive for you?

Can you get his mum to back you up with not having the elf at your house being a reasonable stance?

Then I would have your DP continue to manage it, and you deal with it for your DD's how you wish.

I don't think doing away with it is a great start to the blended family/Christmas if dad has always done it, and now it only stops because you and your DD's don't agree with it.