I have been struggling with the trauma from an abortion I had in November 2022.
My partner and I, at the time were 35 and myself, 31, and lived happily together with his son who is 9 and shared his time 50/50 between us and his mother and Stepfathers. My partner and his son’s mother had a positive co-parenting outlook and remained very good friends. In November I fell pregnant accidentally after being in a relationship together for 9 months. Albeit early, his son was settled and we had a healthy functioning secure dynamic between us all and two well paid jobs. The news was a shock, although we had discussed an ours baby in the future this was sooner than we had imagined. I wanted to keep the baby for the reasons above, he wanted to build more of an infrastructure first and although said he would support me if I were to go through with the pregnancy, he was also very honest and told me he didn’t want to have the child. As upsetting as it was, I didn’t want to bring a child into the world that wasn’t desired at that time, I did understand his concerns, respected his honesty and decided to consult the doctors to order an abortion pill.
I told my partner that it would be a traumatic experience and advised that it would be best for his son to stay at his mothers for 3 nights whilst I had the at-home abortion as I would need time with my partner to grieve and physically and mentally recover as best possible before his son returned, also knowing that the abortion process takes 2 days so 3 days seemed appropriate. His son was told that I was really poorly and we didn’t want him to pick up by bugs. He would still be visited by his dad every day of those 3 days.
The abortion was more harrowing than I ever imagined, the pain, loss and grief more than I thought possible. My partner saw his son on day 1 and day 2 however by day 3 his son started to become suspicious as to why his dad could still come over to see him when I was ‘sick’. On day 3 his mother called my partner and told him that their son was inconsolable as he couldn’t understand why he couldn’t come over. My partner went round to console him and told him again that I was still very poorly but he would be able to come the next night and we were both looking forward to seeing him. My partner was becoming increasingly upset at his son’s distress and told me that he wanted his son to stay over on night 3, that his son was his number 1 priority and we had put him through unfair distress. I would never ever get in the way of my partner and his son but after not even 24 hours since passing the baby I couldn’t face having not just his son but anyone round the house and needed privacy and my partners support for 1 more night as was agreed. I was cognisant of his son’s needs and felt terrible that his son was upset but knew that my mental health and physical state was in no place for anyone to come round, nor was appropriate for a child to be around. My partner was angry with me for not agreeing to his son coming round earlier than had been arranged, his son said he hated him for not being able to stay with us. My partner told me he could not put his son through such distress ever again and implied I was selfish for withholding his son from coming home. He was distraught that his son said he hated him and withdrew comfort from me, told me I was pitting myself against his son for not having him stay over sooner. I was so beyond upset at this point, still bleeding and crying every minute that the pain became even more unbearable.
I have never felt so abandoned in my life in the worst period of grief I have ever felt by the one person I needed the most. I struggled to understand why my partner couldn’t make judgement that his son was non the wiser in the situation and his son’s outburst was more of a reaction to not getting his own way and being out of routine, as a young child would. I tell myself that of course my partner would prioritise his son who was upset in that scenario as he is a priority over me. In the same breath I have never felt so alone or bereft in my life and to this day cannot understand.
I wish his son’s mother had comforted their son and reinforced that I was ill but he would be round soon enough, that he was safe at his mums, just staying there a few extra nights. I was upset that she placed such pressure and responsibility on my partner to console their child knowing what we were going through and wonder to this day if she did so to induce guilt in him for subjecting their son to distress.
His son came back after the three nights at his mothers, he came bounding upstairs to give me a cuddle and was back to normal within minutes and I told him I was much better, had missed him and told him he had been a very good boy. My partner couldn’t touch me or comfort me anymore.
I have never forgotten the experience, I never felt the same way about my partner. If there is one situation in my life where I needed to be put first, and even in that not for selfish reasons, that was it. I would never expect or need to be put first in any other situation. My partner resented me and told me that his child’s distress were the consequences of our actions and our birth control failing, that his child could never be exposed to the distress of not being able to stay at his own home ever again. I wish I’d been able to comfort my partner more at the time and tell him that his son didn’t really hate him. That comment from his son broke him and hurt him deeply. I know my partner couldn’t cope with his son hating him and hurting.
It has nearly been a year since this happened and I think about it most days. Has anyone had a similar experience? I have tried to understand my partner’s reaction and point of view so that I can be more at peace with what happened.