How to you switch off?

[roseheartfly]

I wrote a really long post about how I'm not the OW, how my DH is a good man.. and it made me burst into tears how much I've tried to justify myself in order to ask for a little advice.

I realised I was providing so much detail in an attempt to prevent any hatred from step parent bashers. It's so sad. So if anyone feels the need to say something horrid or negative please don't, I feel exceptionally down about the situation I find myself in and I'm hoping for some solidarity and maybe some tips. Equally I'm not bashing the BM in this situation or BM who find their children in a shared custody arrangement.

I have two DSC and one DC. I've been in their lives for 4 years. DC is 4 months. My DH has 50/50. I've always had a lovely relationship with them however DH and BM do not get on at all. It never spilled into my relationship with DSC or my relationship with their BM. We didn't really have a relationship with was just politeness.
Recently the animosity between BM and DH has ramped up. The court order was changed in favour of my DH which BM is furious about and I think that BM is unhappy within her personal life. BM has targeted me to my DH, calling me names.

Either way, the DSC are starting to change with me. Telling me that their Mummy doesn't like when I do XY or Z. They've also started saying they prefer to be with Mummy. Mummy thinks you are silly. Mummy wants to know why you don't take us to this club or that club. They've also both started talking about very grown up issues and have asked why I don't like their Mum. Which I have never ever said or given them a reason to think.

BM is also constantly messaging, she constantly tries to argue with DH...

And I guess what I need to know is how do I switch off? I'm finding it all so upsetting and stressful. Any chance to control she takes. The children are starting to be exposed to things they weren't previously (I think/assume) and I just try to ignore and say things like "oh gosh, I like your mummy, she made you didn't she?" "Oh, I don't know about that, maybe I'll check with Daddy".
My DH is getting it too, and I know it upsets him but I'm getting really upset about it all. It's starting to make me really hate the time they are with us, not because of them as individuals but because of the anxiety of it all.

Any advice on how to deal with this would be appreciated.

• when I say prefer to be with Mummy, they mean rather than Daddy. Not with me, I'm never a substitute for their mother. I value their relationship with their BM, and don't believe anything is more important than their relationship with both of their parents.

Firstly, I really feel for you, I know how you feel too.

I know it's really hard, but you do have to step back and switch off, easier said than done I know.
I had to ask my DP not to show me any nasty messages that have been sent, it was so damaging to see those messages, it was draining and so upsetting.

My SC would say stuff like yours have, I just smiled and said, well at our house we do things differently to mum etc. all said with a smile. I never let it show that what they were saying was upsetting me.

It is so hard, unfortunately it gets worse before it gets better, all you can do is protect yourself and your DC.

What ages are they?
When my DSD was very small - 5 and under, I got a lot of that eg ‘Mummy thinks you are horrible’. I or my DP always asked gently ‘and what do you think?’ DSD always said she didn’t think the same.
There’s no point in trying to gloss over the conflict. I confess I always lied between gritted teeth that of course, if mummy wanted to be my friend I’d be her friend! (No risk I’ll ever have to do that though ) I am also always clear that I don’t have a problem with mum - if there is a problem, I’m not creating it. Again, slightly stretching the reality but very reassuring for smaller children.
nowadays

Your DP needs to handle her messages - no responding to anything straightaway that is not urgent. Only addressing points in the message related to parenting logistics where possible. Ignoring all insults and attempts to start a problem. This technique (grey rock) removed the oxygen she needs to continue the drama.
We found that court decisions caused my DSD’s mum to increase disruption/drama. Maybe your new baby as well might do that. Hopefully she’ll calm down.
The DSCs are also feeling the stress of the changes - court order and the new baby. It’s a lot to absorb for them, never mind mum also causing friction.
i feel for you. Hope it calms down soon.

If they are older than 5 or 6 I think it's OK to tell them it's unkind to pass on messages to you like "mummy thinks you are silly". Not telling them off or anything but teaching them that their words can have an impact.

So sorry you felt you had to self-edit in anticipation of the muppets than turn up on here to stir trouble.

My first recommendation would be to ensure that DH stops telling you anything about the messages from is ex - the frequency, nature and definitely anything about you. You don't need this in your head. If he wants to vent he can ring a mate.

If the DSC say things, just have a few very generic responses up your sleeve - 'Oh that's nice/interesting' or 'thanks for sharing' - keep them minimal, bone dry and on repeat. You don't need to engage. Hopefully your DH is gently closing these down when he hears them?

If you can then do try to depersonalise it. She doesn't know you. You are just a soft target for her raw emotions. But it could be anyone - it's not about @roseheartfly

It sounds like you have a lovely relationship with DSC and this is just a blip. DH should watch out for an increase in parental alienation, though, and make dates/notes.

@Sellorkeep has good advice. Can he restrict contact with his ex to email only?

Thank you :-)
While my partner was going through court procedures his lawyer asked him to communicate on e-mail only. (Apparently preferable for court where we are.) So that’s what my partner did religiously. If his ex sent a message, he screenshotted it and attached it to his email reply.

Thank you all for your replies.
Definitely great points and things I can do differently.

It's good to know I'm not alone!!

This evenings line was 'Mummy asked you to have us on Thursday night and you said no' .
DH wasn't asked at all.. yuk.

Why why why do this to children?

This is only going to get worse OP.

How old are the DC?

To disengage I find my very low expectations of the ex has helped. I now realise that she will never change and will continue to stoop even lower despite the negative effect this is having on DSC.

Time and communication with your DH will help.

@weekendninja oh no!!! Can't you rose tint it a little?
Surely it only gets worse before it gets better right?

They are 5 (yes I know very young when I met DH buts thats another story.. ) and 9. Both gorgeous children. But DSS (9) takes a little while to warm up. Some nights he will cling on to me when saying good night, sometimes he sheepishly walks out of the room. I let him do either, I don't make a fuss. But I wonder what influences either feeling. So sad.

@Sellorkeep and @MeridianB he has recently done this - wish he'd done it sooner. I can't believe how common this is!!!

Some nights he will cling on to me when saying good night, sometimes he sheepishly walks out of the room.

Pretty standard for this age. It sounds like you're reading them very well, OP.