Rebuilding after parental alienation

[Wombat100]

My DH has two girls aged 8 and 10. Their mum (for reasons best known to herself) has always been difficult but she basically stopped contact several months ago. The court has now ordered immediate access (there are no safeguarding issues) with a further hearing scheduled to work out future access.

It’s become increasingly clear over the last couple of years that mum has done her best to poison the kids against DH and me. It seems to have worked, perhaps mainly because as young children they (naturally I think) hang on mum’s every word.

He’s really worried that when he collects them for initial contact they will either refuse to see him (although they haven’t ever refused before, mum claims they cry and scream that they don’t want to visit DH or me - we’ve never seen any evidence of them being upset) or she will not him take them.

Does anyone have any advice please about how he can try and ensure pick up goes smoothly and then start rebuilding a positive relationship with the kids?

He’s so sad about it :( and surely they deserve a relationship with their dad.

*she will not let him take them. Bloody typos!

It might not be the ideal situation but on the chance that mum is telling the truth and they are anxious about visiting, could his first contact with them be an afternoon out together? Perhaps if they have the assurance that dad will take them home & not steal them away from mums (or whatever they have in their heads) they might feel more reassured. I’m not saying it’s rational, young children rarely are with their fears. Maybe building up to the overnight visit with one or two day visits first would be the way forward. I really hope it goes well, good luck!

of course he has the right to overnights with them but ideally you want the children to want to come. If mum has indeed been negative about dad then right or wrong, the trust between dad & kids needs to be rebuilt. It isn’t fair on dad but it’s not fair on children either.

If it is the case that mum has strong feelings about kids being away & has voiced this to them, I think the best way forward is to demonstrate that these fears are unfounded. Are the girls in a regular habit of staying away from home, eg at their mums parents? It’s a really difficult situation & i feel for you, it would make all the difference if mum was on board & could reassure them ahead of time that there’s nothing to worry about, but if that isn’t possible I think you’ll (not you personally, I mean your DH) need to demonstrate that whatever preconceived ideas they have, there’s nothing to worry about. Just a sleepover, nothing scary, they get to go home after (if that’s what they’re worried about, I can’t think what else it could be that they imagine might happen).
If they’re not used to staying in another house it might be strange for them, but I really hope they adapt to your home. Everything takes time & patience & communication. A night light at first probably helps too, and an idea about what to expect, eg you girls are coming to stay with me & wombat overnight, we’ll have dinner, then a movie, then bed, then breakfast when we wake up, then I will drive you home. Over time they’ll need less assurance xx good luck!

They may well be anxious about visiting because their mum has planted the seed that seeing dad is not a safe thing for them (and I use the word safe in it’s loosest form). I would agree with a slowly slowly approach, even if the judge has ordered overnights I would not start with that. It is not clear from your post if they stayed overnight before but even if they did I would probably start with a day out (fun, neutral territory ), then spending time at dad’s place, then building up to overnights. Ultimately people take two different approaches - some think the relationship is more important than counting time so won’t push overnights if the kids aren’t comfortable, some say “judge has ordered it so you are staying” approach. Some kids accept this and settle, others don’t. Sometimes it is all about child support which is very frustrating to work with. True parental alienation is a very complex thing and tbh your kids need to be able to talk to someone neutral about their concerns. I would look for a therapist who specialises in this area, although most therapists will want the consent of both parents which can be hard to get. If you are going back to court getting it court ordered can be one way around this. Good luck.

It would be nice if courts also ordered therapy in these situations. I was a victim of this as a child and I so desperately wanted to see my Dad and was made to feel some next level guilt every time I did.

Between being grilled by her when I got back, not wanting to lie but feeling I had to because she would kick off if she knew I’d had fun, and her kicking off anyway because that’s what she was like, to name just a few things, I was a wreck of a child.

This is what happened to my sister (I hate using the term half) - mum literally made her miserable so much so when mum was coming to pick her up, we had to pretend we didn't like each other because otherwise she would scream at my sister.

She had to have years worth of therapy. I'm so sorry this happened to you lovely xxxx

I agree with the softly slowly introducing contact away from the home with just dad maybe to start with and building from there.

Thanks everyone for your replies, some really useful stuff in there :)

It’s difficult because we know their mum is lying and her end game seems to be to want to make the girls so anxious about seeing their dad and me (by bad mouthing us and generally just being very negative about their relationship with their dad) that they decide they don’t want to see their dad at all.

They always stayed overnight with us before (for several years) with no issues really. This first court ordered contact is daytime hours on a specific date set by the court (ie. no overnight) which as some of you have suggested will hopefully make the kids feel more comfortable as they won’t be staying overnight straight away.

Given that there are no safeguarding issues we’re expecting the court to order regular overnight stays when it goes to a second hearing (although their mum obviously objects to this!!) x

That’s awful - I’m so sorry to hear about your experience…..some of what you’ve said certainly rings true with DH’s kids, it’s as if they’re not allowed to enjoy seeing their dad because their mum wants them to hate it!

Agreed this is a good idea - we’ve already decided between us that I’ll make myself scarce for the first contact session as apparently they hate me according to their mum! So I think they should just see DH first.

Don't forget that many children will say what a parent wants to hear to keep the peace in hgih-conflict situations. So the girls may be going along with whatever messages their mother is pushing but could be fine when with DH/you.

Bear in mind they may go home after contact and tell their mum they didn't like it/you, again to maintain the peace.

^This.

My sibling used to cry and wail at pick up, I didn’t. Mother got some perverse joy out of that, as well as being angry that I didn’t/wouldn’t play that part of her game.

He just needs to keep cool and pretty much ignore the ex at pick up.

Once the kids are away from her theyll be ok. May take a little time but they will come round

Sadly I think the type of ex you describe generally believes this behaviour isn't wrong.