Should I just keep out of it

[Goingforplatinum]

I have been in step daughters life since she was around 2, without sounding cruel, ive always thought something has never been quite right, for example: she puts hands over ears for loud noises, flapping arms, never sitting still and always having to repeat yourself when speaking to her. When she was younger this was easily just put down to age, however now she is 7 in my opinion this is getting noticeable. She is really behind with every lesson at school with a reading and writing age of a 5 year old, she lacks focus and very easily influenced by others. Can't follow multiple instructions, such as if I said can you go upstairs, open your curtains and get dressed, she would go upstairs, open curtains and then come down again. You literally have to micro manage all activities for example, you need to get dressed, you need to wear shorts as its warm, now you need to brush your teeth, now you need to put some shoes on..... she still hates loud noises and can cry at motorbikes and sirens and also has anxiety around the toilet. Over the weekend I asked her if she had had a drink, she replied no and then when I asked why she told me because I never told her to have a drink.

She's really a lovely girl, open and friendly, very helpful and really thrives on praise.

So after many years I had a Frank discussion with my husband and he admits for a while he has been thinking something is not quite right. He spoke to mum who has then said school have mentioned something and she has had forms sent to have her accessed, however she thinks she's fine
so has not taken things any further And never completed the forms.

Dad's now fuming and is wanting a meeting with school, which has upset mum. I have informed DH mum does spend more time with her and probably knows her more then anyone.

So, what do we do?? Do we keep out of it and accept mum knows her better then anyone or does husband take some action, if so what??

Dad should have a chat with her school teachers. Kids often behave differently at school vs home and he will hopefully get a better understanding of what she is like at school. If he's not been involved with school stuff (like my ex) because of distance or whatever, it would be a good time to register his details with school and get reports or a call for Parents Evening.

She's moved school last March and he wasn't put down as a point of contact. I tend to do the school pic ups as I'm off work, however teacher has never bought anything to my attention, then again I suppose she wouldn't as I'm not a parent. The issue with being behind at school came about as she just happened to bring her report out on the day I was picking her up. When DH saw it he contacted the school and has now been put onto the system so he gets copied into anything and also receives all invites to parents evening as of this new term.
He did school pic up the other day so he could speak to her teacher and she said she's very distracted at school and there has been an incident of inappropriate behaviour (which he was already aware of as mum called DH to tell him) but she didn't really elaborate on anything and the conversation was left at that.

He needs to pursue it surely? It sounds like mum is in denial and while I totally get that my view would be that it needs to be pursued for support to be accessed.
He can meet with school and ask mum to attend and see if they can help her see things a little differently

If the school have sent some forms and have suggested she gets assessed they've picked up something and they probably feel she needs some extra support.
I'm sure her mum knows her, but sometimes it's really hard to accept these things.
Dad's say is as important. Mum's denial could cost this little girl some extra support and services she needs to thrive. I'd say dad should definitely get involved and speak with the teachers and see what steps come next.

I agree, he owes it to her to investigate further with school and try to persuade Mum to go ahead with the assessment.

It is not fair on the child, she could be getting lots of support and help. I would stay well out of it and leave it to dh though, this is a mindfield. She needs an assessment, maybe gently point out to the mother that an assessment wouldn't hurt.

This is my thinking too.

It's not about diagnosis and labels, but having the assessment done in my opinion will then lead to support being put in place within school which I feel she truly needs.

DH is concerned about her schooling as he places a high importance on education.

Whilst waiting for anything to take place do you think getting a tutor would be of any benifit or should we hold off until any assessments take place? Is she to young for a tutor? Also what if mum doesn't agree to it?

The waiting list for this kind of thing is long. If I was Dad, I would sign then reassure mum that I will withdraw application if she improves. Some people are in denial about SEN. I have a son with dyslexia and ADHD and I was told for years that it was immaturity but they were wrong.

Definitely not too young for a tutor. Good tutors engage children differently depending on their age and needs and keep learning fun and enjoyable.
You need to find the right one for her age/needs but they can really do wonders for learning. It does all depends on what her specific needs are but I think you should be able to find the one you need especially if you tell them beforehand what she needs support with.
This could also be a good question for her teachers, if they feel a tutor could benefit her for the time being (while waiting for assessment etc). I think the more support the better, but it needs to be the right kind.

Hopefully mum won't be against it, but if dad is paying for it and having the sessions when daughter is at your house hopefully mum will see it as a positive thing and won't object to it.

Best of luck, hope she manages to get all the support she needs x

Extra support should be based on need, not diagnosis. If school have seen that your DSD needs interventions they should be providing them whether she gets a diagnosis or not. Maybe Dad could talk to school about what extra help they are giving his DD. They may also be able to give him guidance about anything he could be doing to help her.

Dad should pursue it with the school.

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t get her assessed if I’m honest. If everything is fine like mum thinks, then surely the assessment will come back saying that or am I missing something? In that scenario no harm is done and everyone has peace of mind. By not doing it though, she could potentially be missing out on the help and support she needs to thrive and at this age, that’s surely going to put her development back.

I would spend money on an assessment before a tutor otherwise a lot of tutor time cojld be wasted

Way too young for a tutor. She’s 7.

Yes tbh you should keep out of it. It’s for her Dad and Mum to handle.

And no, don’t sound cruel saying you’ve “always thought something wasn’t quite right”, but you don’t sound entirely compassionate or clued up either. She’s a child, not a car with a dodgy gear box.

Did her report really say that her writing age etc is that of a 5 year old? Because that’s what you’re implying. And that seems an unusual thing for the school to do.

Also seems odd that since her Dad values education, he hadn’t tried harder to make sure he’s in the loop.

Sounds just like my DSS who has autism. He finds it really hard to listen and remember , often have repeat multiple times things like ‘brush your teeth, hair etc’. His Dad should totally speak to school about this , he has parental responsibility so even if her mum doesn’t agree he can still get her assessed.

OP you sound lovely but your DP needs to get down off his high horse and stop fuming.
She changed schools in March - Easter holidays - may June July - summer holidays now back at school a month.

I doubt the school gave the forms out in March - has Mum had them long? It does take some time to process in your head that your child may have issues but if it has only been this term - he needs to wind his head in on the fuming bit.

Yes get her assessed but he needs to support her mother in the decisions going on behind this - so they both help their child not getting in a rant.

Also he has had 7 months to get HIMSELF made a point of contact for the school - so his interest in his childs education is a little off if it means so much to him

If your DH is worried about his daughter, he needs to remember that he has parental responsibility just the same as his ex. If he wants his daughter to be assessed for neurodiversity, then he can contact the school and organise this. He can take her to the appointments and sort it all out.

It would be easier if her mother were cooperating in this, but he is able to make decisions about his child to support her health and well-being. He doesn’t have to meekly defer to her mother. He can, if necessary, use legal means to help achieve the assessment. But that’s not ideal at all.

It might be worth him using a family mediation service to help him to negotiate an agreement about this with his ex. These services are not merely a legal requirement for divorce; they are intended to help with stuff like this (and to preempt unnecessary legal action around child arrangements etc).

You can support your DH through this stuff. But you will have to do so from the outside looking in. He’s got to negotiate with his daughter’s other parent and your input is unlikely to be welcome there.

DH has spoken to mum, she has agreed that the issues need addressing. DSD has a parents evening this month so mum and dad are going together, so a step in the right direction.