Do I put 20 pounds in a card?

[toogoodforthisworld]

DSS had his birthday more than a month ago.
He and his brother live with us full time and visit mum sporadically- we take and then collect them.
He admitted to me in confidence tonight that he was a bit angry at his mum as during the last visit to see her, his birthday wasn’t mentioned at all. Not even a card.

I know she recently had to stop working for a bit due to illness and was really strapped for cash.

She’s starting work again soon but I have a feeling his birthday won’t be mentioned again.
He was quite badly ‘done to’ last year as well and his younger sibling seemed to get all the expensive presents earlier in the year and he got some new joggers and a hoodie.

Anyway.. I don’t want to discuss this with anyone I know as I don’t want DSS to ever find out ..
Would it be a good idea if I (I’ll call and check she agrees to it first) send her a note with a bday card and some money in it- for her to give him?
Or is this asking for trouble in the long run?
My DP would definitely not agree to me doing this - but I love my DSS and I hate him feeling hurt.

He’s faced enough hurt and rejection from his mum to last a life time - but I know she loves him and he loves her.

But will me trying to protect him hurt him more in the long term or should I just be thinking in the now?
Thanks ...

I know you mean well but I wouldn’t manufacture a false relationship between DSS and his mum, imagine if he ever finds out, the damage would be even worse and he would never trust you again. You have no guarantee she wouldn’t tell him to spite him if things ever turned nasty. Just keep being there for him.

No but if you have any sort of decent relationship with her, I might say that could she mention his birthday as he was a bit upset he didn’t even get a card. Then leave it to her.

Sometimes it's better to learn that your parent is a cunt quicker. It will happen, it already is. Not everyone we love is a good addition to our lives.

Just keep doing what you are doing. He's got you in his corner at least.

Help him to know her faults as well as her good side, so that he that can protect himself

No. His relationship with his mum is clearly shit. His relationship with you needs to be built on trust and respect, he needs at least one adult to be a good role model in his life. Give him all the support he needs, but don’t think that pulling sly stunts like this behind his back will be doing him any favours.

My DP would definitely not agree to me doing this

10% not then. Lying to DP and DSS, and potentially pissing off mum? And giving her money for him?

No no no.

100% obviously!

You're clearly a lovely person, and your DSS is lucky to have you in his corner. I wouldn't do what you're suggesting though. Too much potential for it to go wrong/be poisoned and backfire.

Just keep being there for him, that will make all the difference

Well intentioned, but really not a good idea. You're not going to change her, this will happen again and it will hurt more if you get his hopes up. Give him the love and support directly.

Just love him and support him as you are. If you do this there is a high chance his mother would weaponise it. He knows he has a crap parent and needs you in his corner.

Absolutely not.

If it was just about money, I'd agree with you. But it's really sad (and inexcusable) that his mum did not wish him happy birthday, or give him a card.

Presumably she had money at some point if she was buying expensive gifts for his brother last year. She could have explained that it wasn't possible to buy him anythng right now but at least let him know she hadn't forgotten.

How old is he?

It's really good that he has opened up to you and I'd nurture that and let him know his feelings are valid. Maybe up 1:1 time with you and your DH? Extra support and love. You sound like a lovely SM

I understand why you want to do this but your DP is his parent and presumably understands the situation more than you do as he knows what DSS's mum is like better than you. I wouldn't go behind his back here.

I would just focus on being kind to him and being a positive influence in his life. You can't make up for his mother's failings.

Agree with this. Definitely don't falsify anything but if you would have been happy to speak to her to arrange it, ring her anyway. You can be perfectly nice and say you completely understand she was struggling for money at the time, and you're not judging her at all, but he's upset he didn't even get a card, and perhaps she could take him out and do something just the two of them (even just a McDonald's or whatever) and apologise.

Obviously completely dependent on what your relationship is like and how you think she'd react. Other than that just keep supporting him like you are.

Also depends on whether she'd tell him. She could still weaponise the conversation if she's like that.

I think you’d be opening up a whole can of worms - what if she tells him then he feels he can’t trust you, or she keeps the money?
My DSD has a tricky relationship with her mum and I really tried to help improve things but it became clear that I was more invested than her mum was and I noticed I was putting more effort and enthusiasm into their relationship than her mum and all it did was set things up to fail. My role now is to support DSD but not to intervene with her mum despite my best intentions

Don’t... I know you mean well, but adults covering for other adults like this is never a good idea. Kids can sniff things out more easily than you think. Similar sorts of things went on in my family, and I found I was angry at both the adult that let me down, and the adult that pretended/covered for them. I didn’t like to see irresponsible behavior by family members covered up as secrets. And I really hated seeing an adult take credit for something good they didn’t do, it destroyed my respect.

@toogoodforthisworld

There's not many SM like you about so sweet of you.

Just leave it tbh.

It probably isn't his DM fault maybe she definitely struggling too.

Your an amazing SM