Does everyone just over compensate?

[Isthisnowmylife]

I’ve name changed for this as sis in law uses this site.

Just here to see if I’m alone in all this? I’m a step mum to a 10 year old boy. Been with partner 4 years and we have a 6 month old baby. My partner split with his son’s mum when he was 1. They weren’t properly together in the first place but tried to make a go of it unsuccessfully. Since then they’ve co-parented well and he sees his son regularly…a 60/40 arrangement. His son’s mum has however been difficult over the years both before he met me and very much since.

Their split was nothing to do with me but she has never liked the fact he’s moved on. I’m not sure if there are other issues on her side. I very much keep out of things and let him deal with everything and I try to have a good relationship with his son.

One thing I’ve noticed is how much everyone -namely SIL and IL’s fuss and are so OTT with DSS. It’s unreal and almost comedic to watch. I just let them crack on but it doesn’t make me wonder why this is. I’m concerned my baby will eventually pick up on this as she grows and I wouldn’t want her to be treated differently.

Its like they are over compensating for something…the fact his parents aren’t together likely yet the ironic part of it all is he’s had double of everything. Spoilt more than any child I know to the point where he’s properly better off than children who’s parents are together.

As mentioned I let them crack on but I am worried for my baby feeling left out in the future. And I almost feel sad as it’s like they are trying to make up for the fact his dads met me. Yet I was nothing to do with the split and have worked so hard to ensure he’s never left out and respect their relationship.

Any advice? Will this change? Does this come from their own insecurities?

OH my goodness yes. Some of my inlaws do this and it's rally annoying as it's like poooor DSC and they just see their situation as normal. It does no one any favours.

I just don’t get it!! They have other grandchildren and he is singled out. My MIL doesn’t like me either she’s never said explicitly but you can just tell. It’s like she sees her son meeting me as a threat to his relationship with his son. Which totally isn’t the case. They absolutely can’t stand his ex either….so it’s nothing to do with loyalty there.

Its so odd

Curious how he is singled out over other grandchildren, does it happen when
other grandchildren/parents are aware of it? This type of feelings caused decades worth of resentment in my family between aunts/cousins/moms, even without any step complications. I was the one who was perceived as getting more (I was the oldest grandchild, and my grandparents health and finances declined a lot between the older ones and the younger ones). Singling out or favoring is not doing any favors for either the envied one or the jealous ones TBH, especially if the parents of the jealous ones
talk it up.

Look at it through his ten year old eyes.

Did daddy leave because he doesn't like me?
Did I do something wrong?
Does daddy like Isrhisnowmylife more?
Does daddy love the baby more?
Does daddy want me any more?
Why is daddy with them more than with me?

Then think about your question again !

Our situation is very similar and I very much find that; Christmas and birthdays are ridiculous. I find with our DC they are the same though and ours aren’t made to feel any different

I'm not saying that people compensating is helpful but you can see why they worry, and why they might try to help.

Well yeah but that's up to daddy to make sure they are reassured. Not for the inlaws to make extra fuss and buy them extra presents etc

Oh yes, absolutely. Every tiny thing is fussed over by every adult
in the family. Constantly told they are amazing. Same
happens on DM side

SDC are almost grown up and not doing great, tbh. It doesn’t help children, in the end.

'But that's up to daddy...'

And if the ILs don't think daddy is being reassuring enough, it is inevitable that loving family members will step in and provide a bit of backup. They care.

if you and dh split, you would want to reassure your dc. It's only natural. You can't expect a 10yo to take it all in his stride.

Just be kind and calm and let it run it's course. 🙂

@MintJulia i know they care and that’s great. But it’s just unusual as his dad doesn’t make him feel left out. He’s only ever known his parents to be apart so there’s no issue there. And in their efforts to reassure DSS they are actively excluding my daughter. Counter-productive wouldn’t you say?

@MintJulia sorry and yes if we did split of course I’d want to reassure my child. But I wouldn’t want to do it in a way that spoils them or singles them out.

Yes that's the issue. When all the kids are treated differently (assuming they are all related through their dad).

Spoilt more than any child I know to the point where he’s properly better off than children who’s parents are together

It's the material things that matter? There are obviously exceptions where violence and abuse are concerned, but for the majority of children, statistically their outcomes are worse when brought up separated/divorced than when brought up by both parents together. That makes that comment pretty insulting, I think.

I don’t agree with favoring anyone, but I think adults have to be careful. OP when you say something like, “oh his dad doesn’t
make him feel left out. “The truth is, you honestly don’t know how any child feels. You can only speak to that child’s visible reactions and your own behavior and (good) intentions.

If a child has potentially unpopular feelings, which could push a parent away, they might not voice them. The other family adults might be proactively trying to reassure him, because a new baby is a time of change for any child, in a step family or not.

Hopefully the extended family will see that your son is not being sidelined for short changed with the arrival of a baby sibling and will settle down and be equally sensitive to how they treat your daughter, too.

MintJulia,

I couldn’t help commenting on your perspective because this is exactly what happened to me. My parents were divorced and my (non resident) father was lazy and basically did nothing in terms of parenting when I was growing up.

If my grandparents hadn’t stepped in to provide attention and resources, it would’ve been pretty awful. My younger cousins, who had a much more present, responsible father in their life, were very jealous of the things my grandparents did for me. The whole thing has taken years of thought/counseling as an adult to work through.

(As a sidenote, I did have a very lovely stepfather who always treated me equitably and who I love dearly, no complaints there. He was a hell of a lot more responsible than my own father. All of my parents were very young and my mother and stepfather had my sister immediately after they got married, they were busy trying to get on their feet and dealing with her. I’m grateful for my paternal grandparents stepping in to compensate for my biological father’s lack of maturity and doing his share.)

@Givenuptotally im sorry you find that comment insulting. I’m not familiar with statistics like the ones you refer to but I can believe that you’re likely right. In this situation I was referring to material things yes but also just to time and attention. Double of everything. Material things are only a small part of this scenario but for people to be literally ignoring one child in front of our eyes to fawn continuously over the other that can’t be right surely?

@TryingToBeLogical thanks for sharing your account. I’m sorry you had a difficult time. You mention your grandparents who sound great btw working to provide you with things your father couldn’t so I understand how grateful you are.

in this situation my partner is really hands on and a great day. Always has been to be fair. It’s this that makes their behaviours all the more confusing to see.

That's super simplistic. My father "left" when I was a kid and I never wondered any of this. I just accepted they didn't love each other anymore but they loved me. Most of my friends came from divorced parents and nobody's ever put that thought forth, though I recognize maybe they privately do. Divorce is super common and kids don't always blame themselves.

This child is with his parents 60/40. Does he wonder if his mum left him because she only has 60% time?

And absolutely none of that is solved by being pandered to or spoilt by other family members, is it?

He doesn't even remember his parents getting together, don't be so dramatic.

*being together.

To answer the op, it's common. Dhs parents are the same to the point they spoil DSS but pretty much ignore my dc.

OP thanks for your kind comment. I wanted to chime in to this thread because I know firsthand that inequality and envy are toxic to everyone involved. Both to the person who gets more, and the person who gets less. These situations are so difficult to resolve because there are so many different ways to look at equity and equality.

Should all children get the same amount of stuff and attention? If a child gets more from one family member, should they get less from all the other members so that their total is the same as other children?

Or, should each and every family member give the same amount to each and every child?

What happens when a family member becomes more elderly, or less wealthy? Or dies before they can give younger children the things that older children received? What about the fact that when there are more children, resources simply must be divided into smaller pieces of pie? How do you make those things fair when they change over time, but everyone has been keeping track of who exactly got what in the past?

When a divorced parent remarries, they are creating a family that is inclusive, that includes all of the existing children and the new ones. But the ex spouse has not done the reciprocal, they haven’t created a new household that includes the new children subsequently born to the remarried parent. The two families aren’t mirror images. So who constitutes a “family member” in terms of comparing and giving? Regardless, children in one household will inevitably compare their lot to children in the other household.

What about when one parent isn’t doing their share? A very common comment here on Mumsnet is, “that’s up to the father (with shared children) to sort out.” But what if that father isn’t doing his job? Should everyone else just sit back and let the affected child flounder, to be “fair” to the others? Not everyone has parents who do what they’re supposed to do. It’s sad to think people will resent someone else stepping up to bridge the gap and help the affected child.

There are just too many ways of looking at it. No matter what happens, someone will find it unfair. All that anyone can do is be aware of how things may appear to other people. That doesn’t mean you have to put their viewpoint over your own, but it’s important to see where they may be coming from. And it’s very important to encourage others to see your viewpoint, too, as they may be unaware or myopic.

I'm in a very similar situation OP and can find it a bit upsetting at times. I moved to be with my Partner so all my family are 500 miles away. The only family my little 5 month girl has apart from me and dad are my IL's (separated). MIL had only seen my little girl twice. First time she was a couple weeks old and she doted in her and was absolutely amazing with her. Second time my SD was with us too and she barely held her. My first instinct was because SD was there but I thought I was being paranoid so put it to the back of my mind until my partner actually mentioned it and said he thought it was because SD was there. It made me feel really sad. I understand MIL wanted to make SD feel included however I think she got the balance a little wrong. It's a difficult one as I think people have good intentions but don't always think of the bigger picture.

💯 my MIL and SIL have fussed over my three step children for nine years because they come from a broken home etc etc and don't see dad enough.
They do love our 4 year old son however he is very overlooked and even forgotten about ( they created a huge family photo collage and with lots of photos of the 6 grandkids and nieces / nephews when they showed me I scanned it and says where's my son? Yep they had missed him off any photos )

Could it just be that it's their first grandchild why they spoiling him?

Do you know for a fact it's because your DSS mum and dad not together?

I can see your point and have to admit in my case I was the only girl and the first born grand daughter on father's side. Why I think my nan was a lot closer to me. I did personally think unfair on my brother whom dad had with sm. Then again is your MIL close with your DSS mum? Could it be because of how DSS mum feels her son may be left as now you have a new baby. Grandparents have reassured her that nothing will change.

I that's the issue especially if they got on with DSS mum.

Maybe they don't want him to feel left out because his parents have split so trying to take the pressure of your DP.

It is unfair on your DC but think they just trying to help out. Maybe to them they see no problem.

Speak to your DP but like I said if your DSS first grandchild from your DP that could be it too. Everyone happy you had another baby but not as exciting when your not first time dad or mum.
I have a feeling if your DSS was yours they still be the same because they want him not to be left out.
Maybe the same if your DP and you were to split they be spoiling both to make up for dad not being there.

It’s a common thing with children of divorce, the “Poor widdle step child/child of divorce” thing. It doesn’t do them any favours especially when their siblings notice.