Why are their mutual friends off with me?

[malificent7]

Dh and his ex split off when she went off with another man after his dd was born causing him and their dd much pain.

She now lives with om and their kids and we are all on civil terms for sdd.
They still share some mutual friends and we have been on some meet ups with me, dh, ex and her dh.

They are off with me but fawn over her man.

I am a bit put out as I had no part in the split. I met dh a few years after. The man who caused the split gets adoration and i'm not accepted.

This is going to sound harsh. But could it be you are just not their type of person.

I assume you haven shared your views of the ex with them. I mean cheating when you have a newborn is awful. But it doesn’t cause the child pain. The child grows up knowing not different.

and HE didn’t split the relationship up. She did. I find those odd views to hold.

Could there be that they have a different view of the what happened?

You can't force them to like you whether or not you're the cause of the split. You may just not be their type of person or cup of tea. Doesn't mean they have to automatically like you by default. As long as they're civil that's all you can hope for.

Fair play i suppose. I know the child was upset as she told a mutual friend ( who i do get on with) that she was when the new man moved in and her dad moved out....she was about 5 or 6 so remembers it well.

So the cheating went on for a fair old while.

The thing is we do share similar values and interests and i get on with one of them very well on a 1:1 basis but i'm not in the clique..( nor do I want to be).

One of them shares a similar interests in crafts as me and I have tried to bond with her but she is very grumpy so I just gave up.

I think prob the female gets the harsher response than the male in a similar situation.

I agree Hyacynth2....amazing isn't it?! Why though! They literally fawn over him. He's actually alright apart from the cheating bit( he had a wife too).

They still share some mutual friends and we have been on some meet ups with me, dh, ex and her dh. I'd knock that on the head then if they can't be civil to you. Don't sweat it, you don't need them in your life.

I think it’s a loyalty thing. Women tend to stick together and you’re a new women on old territory.

wouldn’t worry about it. They’re not your friends and I’d imagine you wouldn’t pick friends that behave in this manor so just treat it as it is- they are people you occasionally socialise with for your partner.

personally, I wouldn’t go if it continued.

Honestly I think it's because you are a woman.

but i'm not in the clique..( nor do I want to be).

Does this maybe come across when you are with them?

Why do women get the brunt of it? I did want to join in at 1st but now don't want to.

@malificent7 because men don't need to do much to keep women in check, we are too busy trying to one up each other than to rebel (said slightly tongue in cheek)

That said I think it's because some people thrive off this behaviour. Females in the animal kingdom group together for survival but there always a hierarchy.

Try not to let the bastards get you down !

Do you feel ex has slated your character to them?

I’d assume that they’re her friends and they have no interest in making friends with you. I suppose it’s all very civilised and adult to all socialise together (al la Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin and their extraordinarily tolerant new partners) but most people don’t do it.

Even though they are mutual friends, there will always be one that they feel closer to over the other. It just sounds like they are closer to his ex, not sure there is much u can do about it except just wait and over time let the relationship between the mutual friends and you develop naturally

Me too.

Step dads seem to be praised for existing.

My husband’s ex wife left him after years of drama over her gambling addiction and related debts. It’s a deep and nuanced thing but that’s the extent to which I’m willing to talk about another woman’s personal circumstances on MN…

My husband has a group of friends that knew them well as a married couple. When she left him she posted loads of shit about them all on FB and hasn’t spoken to a single one of them since. Nonetheless, when we get together with these people they bang on constantly about how awesome she is. And sometimes they actively compare me to her. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I used to give some fucks but I trained myself not to.

One glance around MN and you can see how second wives are a dreaded scourge to many. It’s not my problem, it’s theirs.

Forget about them. Have a wine. Watch some Netflix. Get a cat. Join a club. Bake a cake. You don’t need these people. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Welcome to the world of internalised misogyny and double standards. Because there are so many shit men out there, it's easy for an ex wife to jump on the 'My ex is such a shit dad and he's got this new fancy piece' bandwagon and all their friends will lap it up. Doesn't matter if she was in the wrong, she cheated, swindled, lied, they will always believe her. They will never see it. I'm convinced it's a major factor in the high number of male suicides in society. (Although I know this is about you and not your husband.)
As the previous poster said, just ignore it, do you want the approval of these people? Connect with other women who DO get you and limit your interactions with them if you can.

Maybe they think being friends with you is being disloyal to her.

I had this when I first met DH. No cheating involved but he and the ex had split, leaving them both seeing mutual friends. There were no polite barriers, they constantly droned on about joint holidays and their lives when DH and ex were still together. Mostly they were nice, one hideous experience with a friend of the ex who was at an event we were all at. Slowly I distanced myself from them all and never see any of them now.

I think that's very accurate.

I don't think it's something exclusive to one sex but there's definitely an element of story telling post separation. This often comes from the partner that did the dirty as they are trying to justify behaviour they can't.

Yes Talon, you're right. There are some manipulative AF men out there too. It's often those who do the most storytelling that were in the wrong. No need for a smear campaign if you don't have anything to justify.