CMA and stopping contact

[BlindMum]

I’m just wondering how many peoples ex’s mess around with how many night the other parent can see the child.

the more I read on here the more it’s happening

I understand that some parents just don’t care about the child/ children but it all comes down to how much money they can get out of the other

so sad that money comes first for some people

It works both ways - no one side is holier than thou on this one.

Exactly self employed fiddling the books, SAHD for the new family as new DP earns more - no income means no payment

Not sure one is any more repulsive than the other to be honest, all show a selfish , uncaring attitude to the child they produced and give good paying generally fathers and good mothers a bad name

Would agree that for every mum doing it there is also a dad who doesn’t pay; people very easily forget that it should be about the child

I know more dads who don't pay/ fiddle the books to pay less than I do Mums who withhold contact.

Not saying it doesn't happen, just that it's the less common of the 2.

Mind you, I once received a barrage of abusive messages from my ex in laws asking why I'd 'banned' ex from seeing the dc and threatening me with court.
I pointed out that I hadn't banned him from seeing them at all, we were going to be on holiday and I'd offered him alternate days to make up for it. (He didn't want them).

And just so I'm not accused of being biased, I also know a woman who will slate her ex to all and sundry because he doesn't pay maintenance. Yet she won't open a CMS case because "it's not worth it." Yes he should pay voluntarily, but he doesn't.

Would agree that for every mum doing it there is also a dad who doesn’t pay

I don’t think this is even nearly a like for like situation. The statistics on the non-payment of child maintenance are depressing reading and there is sod all political will to improve it. It affects far more women than it does men. And men don’t have to suffer the single parent vilification that women do: quite the opposite.

I don’t doubt there are women who withhold contact and I also realise that ultimately, the court system is an imperfect tool when it comes to enforcement but the fact is the courts will order contact, and sometimes to the detriment of both mother and child? Court involvement in child maintenance can result in thousands of pounds being paid at a rate of £10 a week. And we also have the writing off of child maintenance debt to contend with now.

I suspect there are many men who have indeed been pushed out of their children’s lives but many more who want to believe that’s the case when they put a new partner first and reduced contact, moved away, never paid maintenance or were unreliable when it came to contact. Children can, and do, vote with their feet.

What’s your own experience OP? Always nice to know a poster’s angle when they’re asking for other peoples experiences.

This is in the wrong topic. Nothing to do with step-parenting.
OP maybe you can ask mumsnet to move it?

Yes my SD mum will stop her coming over if we disagree or have an argument. Mostly about extra money she thinks is owed.

She missed our joint child's birthday & party because of it. The damage is already done as you can't bring the day back.

I feel like this is a fairly interesting place to ask this question tbh.

So I mean personally as a mum I have never and will never withhold contact from my ex DH and contact has remained stable because we put our dd ahead of anything else.

On the sp front - my DH and his ex have had more of a chop and change approach to contact. Christmas is supposed to be alternated but often there's a Uber important reason why it's not his turn to have Christmas ect it's been 4years of it not being his turn so far and it's frustrating.

I say to him that actually it's better to allow flexibility when we can because it keeps relations good between mum and dad and ultimately what's best for DSD.

I have seen both dad beat mums and dads who don't pay for their child (as the non rp) I have seen people withhold contact or use kids as weapons by proxy putting the kids in a loyalty bind that's ultimately so damaging for the children.

Money is such a bone of contention between step families tbh. And I think it's actually a good thing is sp have separate finances as it takes the heat out of your spending family money ect. My money is mine DH is his and we pay to the household bills equally. What he's chooses to do with his extra is on him. But I realise that's a highly unpopular and much hated view on mn

pitchforks - same here both pay into a pot for current house, food, bills etc and anything child related his or mine is paid by us respectively. Meals out we alternate rather than be petty.

I know by EXs first DP hated any penny spent on his DCS andnow she is the second EX it is all out war over his monies.

DEspite his flaky parenting we remain amicable and the DCs happy

@lookluv honestly for me anyway it's the best approach in a blended family iMO. Then either way nothing can be said, tensions are lower ect there's no debate to be had.

But when I admit it on here you might as well admit to being a cannibal for the support you will get you 😂 so glad I'm not the only one !

I think the issue with withholding contact is sometimes more complicated.

Some NRP's want 50/50 so as not to pay any maintenance however still expect the split in kid admin, school holidays, illness, clubs, mental load etc to be practically 100/0 or at best 90/10. There is the odd exception.

I have offered my ex 50/50 on numerous occasions when they have complained about having to pay for their kids, but made it clear I expect a true 50/50 in every sense, I'd happily not have a penny to only have to do 50% of what I have to mentally carry now! Unsurprisingly he's always refused my offer!

I know lots of friends where the dads have 50/50 but only in the sense of time and payment, they do nothing extra, and take on none on the stress really as the kids come readily prepared with mum having sorted everything and all they are essentially doing is babysitting for 3 days a week!

@Blendiful I think and I have to say that in my opinion step mum and mums have a harder time of it generally it seems just because we have uteruses we are expected to carry the mental load for child rearing and men don't seemed to think it's their responsibility. Which is a lot and I totally unfair agree, your ex sounds like a 🔔 end and I'm glad you stood your ground.

completely agree but realised early on when EX first new DP was uber high conflict that for mine and the DCS sanity I needed to disengage. Never played games mental or withheld contact but at the same time was absolutely clear and firm in my communications. Think a years notice for weekends i was working and co ordinated the supposed EOW around that. Not that EOW ever happened and i was told by his DP that they were providing me with free child care!!

I do everything, inform and Ex does try to guilt me if he comes in with something he wants to do at the last minute. His new DP has transformed this as she maanges him and we communicate so clashes of times are now rare

It is amazing how much you do suck up for peace - in my case I get one third the maintenance for 2 DCS, his second EX gets for one. It sucks but I realise he will not fight the other EX as she does pay per view.

I believe in karma!

@lookluv in my case I get one third the maintenance for 2 DCS, his second EX gets for one. It sucks but I realise he will not fight the other EX as she does pay per view.

This is really grim and I'm sorry your dealing with this. I really am ! I think that men should pay for their kids and ex's shouldn't use kids as weapons. Think of what the kids will see a different level of care for each child ? 😵‍💫😵‍💫 baffling

I'm all for a easy life but somehow I missed the memo that blended families aren't easy at all lol so I don't blame you for wanting to be out of that drama at all !

I

Sorrry posted too quickly.

I think its a common occurence. The issue being that cms assumes the non resident parent, which obviously is usually Dad, only has kids 1 night a week unkess there is proof to the contrary.

A court order can be obtained but its hard work with a difficult ex and only really the starting point. The ex resents you for getting it and will act like it wasnt needed even if it clearly was. Then the 'kids will vote with their feet in the future' argument begins (but of course theres no alienation going on...)

There is unfortunely a culture where a caring parent trying to put the kids first loses out. Both Moms and Dads.

A dad with nothing to offer financially may gain access as the other parent has nothing else to gain from that person. A paying parent on a good salary has a lot to offer if access is limited.

where does it assume the DF only has them 1 night per week - it is a sliding scale.
We have all agreed it happens but so do other games that are played with regard to CMS. One does not trump the other and one is not more repugnant than the other - they all show a selfishness and lack of awareness of what their children actually need.

Thats what the cms literature says. If parents dont agree we shall assume 1 night per a week. In the abaence of an agreement or court order etc. i.e. where mom and dad are saying different things to cms. It is a sliding scale but thats the default position.

Thats my point the starting point on this doesnt help a non resident parent.

So what happens in some cases is mom is on the phone to cms and saying he'll have them one night a week. From early post separation. It them becomes a dog fight...

Im not saying its just one side or the other but this is the issue i think op is talking about

A dad with nothing to offer financially may gain access as the other parent has nothing else to gain from that person. A paying parent on a good salary has a lot to offer if access is limited

Please do not forget those of us who have our children 12 of 14 nights, who never receive a penny of maintenance, and who never stand in the way of contact.

A court order can be obtained but its hard work with a difficult ex and only really the starting point. The ex resents you for getting it and will act like it wasnt needed even if it clearly was

My ex spent in excess of £20k getting a court order he swore he needed and which he subsequently never adhered to. It has been 15 years and he still hasn't had them during the school holidays.

No one is disagreeing that does not happen, but so does the converse where the NRP fakes evidence to show they have them more but as the previosu OP says - has a court order but never actually does what it says on the tin.

Think you will find the number of NRPs who are self employed and can only afford £5 for 2-3 DCS yet drive BMWs have overseas holidays etc is a little more common.

There are far more struggling RPS than NRPs in the world

Im sorry you get no maintenance. How can he pay 20k for a court order but pay no maintenance.

So why did he get the court order. To what extent does he follow it and to what extent doesnt he follow it.

He got a court order because he’s a power hungry man who needs to control. He thought the whole world saw me in the same way he saw me - useless, a bit stupid, a shit mother. He mentioned too many times that he couldn’t understand why I hadn’t committed suicide when he left me. He seemed to believe that the court would take one look at me and never allow me to see my children again. It didn’t quite pan out the way he expected! And I should say, I had agreed to 50/50 and that is what we were doing - the courts put him to every other weekend. You can draw your own conclusions.

He sees his children every other weekend. He has never bothered with half the holidays.

@Talon01 by being self employed and not being a very high earner.

If someone is self employed and a very high earner, so earns over the CMS threshold, you can take them to Court and get Court ordered child maintenance. They have to pay this to avoid being in contempt of Court.

Lots of normal people use savings, beg and borrow to go to Family Court. Particularly in the case where one parent has the funds though earnings, inheritance or family money to use the Family Court to try and bully the other parent into submission.

I dont believe it is at all common for someone to be living the life of riley and pay no child maintenance. I know it does happen but in such cases there is the power for child maintenenace service to investigate and get something out of the parent.

I suspect in such cases the Mother prefers to keep the ex out of the kids lives and thats the unsaid compromise.