Impact on Step kids not liking my sons Dad

thethreemuskateers · 2022-09-20T20:20:01+00:00

I’m hoping I can get some advice and that this is the right place to post. My ex has been with his new partner around a year they moved in together around 6 months ago. Her children refuse to speak to my ex, my son who is 4 is now picking up on this and saying they don’t like Dad, they don’t talk to him and want him to get a new house. My son sleeps there 2 nights a week I’m now concerned about the kind of atmosphere in the house for him to pick up on this. His Dad doesn’t see any issues just said he doesn’t have a relationship with the children only there Mother. I don’t think it’s healthy for my son to see the bad feeling the children have towards there Dad. I just wondered if other parents think I’m right to be concerned. I just worry because they resent my ex they will resent my son. They are 9 and 12 the 9 year old has already admitted to a friend of the family she finds my son annoying.

GrazingSheep · 20/09/2022 21:27

I feel sorry for the 3 children in this situation. Your ex sounds like a real charmer.
Not sure what you can do about it though.

Snugglemonkey · 20/09/2022 21:31

It really is not a healthy environment for your child and I would be worried too.

Original poster

thethreemuskateers · 20/09/2022 21:34

GrazingSheep · 20/09/2022 21:27

I feel sorry for the 3 children in this situation. Your ex sounds like a real charmer.
Not sure what you can do about it though.

I know I’m so stressed about the whole situation but I can’t force the children to accept either my ex or my son.

Back story is we did used to live next door to his new partner and her children.

She moved as they starting dating 7 weeks after our 18.5 year relationship broke down. Possibly it was going on beforehand but that’s in the past.

There parents split up 6 months beforehand and they’ve moved away from there friends so understandably they have a lot of resent and have gone through tough times.

I just worry so much my son will start asking questions and that he’s staying in a home where he’s not really wanted.

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properdoughnut · 20/09/2022 21:36

I think all you can do is keep telling your ex what your son has said but in a factual way and hope he realises its not fair on him.

Original poster

thethreemuskateers · 20/09/2022 21:37

Snugglemonkey · 20/09/2022 21:31

It really is not a healthy environment for your child and I would be worried too.

Thank you I keep thinking am I over reacting. I’m totally over what happened and my son adores his Dad but I feel the atmosphere must be awful. His behaviour has considerably changed since they moved in together.

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Original poster

thethreemuskateers · 20/09/2022 21:39

properdoughnut · 20/09/2022 21:36

I think all you can do is keep telling your ex what your son has said but in a factual way and hope he realises its not fair on him.

Thanks, I just think they’ve moved in too soon and hoped the children would accept it. Neither will admit it’s not working.

I’ve started writing everything down including dates etc…

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OnaBegonia · 20/09/2022 21:49

Your ex lives with two children who refuse to speak to him?
Wtaf is their mother thinking?
Has he a golden cock? millionaire?

properdoughnut · 20/09/2022 21:56

thethreemuskateers · 20/09/2022 21:39

Thanks, I just think they’ve moved in too soon and hoped the children would accept it. Neither will admit it’s not working.

I’ve started writing everything down including dates etc…

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I wouldn't necessarily send him the whole list. Just "Son said he's nervous about visiting this weekend due to something about x (other kid), could you have a chat with him about it please".

Original poster

thethreemuskateers · 20/09/2022 22:01

OnaBegonia · 20/09/2022 21:49

Your ex lives with two children who refuse to speak to him?
Wtaf is their mother thinking?
Has he a golden cock? millionaire?

😂😁 no absolutely not he’s on benefits and haha no a golden cock.

Her family live a few hundred miles away and she hasn’t many friends I can only assume she thinks if she gets rid she will have nobody.

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Original poster

thethreemuskateers · 20/09/2022 22:04

properdoughnut · 20/09/2022 21:56

I wouldn't necessarily send him the whole list. Just "Son said he's nervous about visiting this weekend due to something about x (other kid), could you have a chat with him about it please".

Show quote history

Thanks yes I agree don’t think I need to say too much.

I just want my son to be happy and he’s clearly anxious about the situation.

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MeridianB · 21/09/2022 10:11

I don't blame you for being worried, especially as he's so little. It sounds like a dysfuntional house.

Children refusing to speak to an adult living in the same house is unsustainable and unhealthy. It's hard to know what the problem is here but either their mother needs to address it with them or needs to accept your Ex is not right for her.

Does your son share any feedback on how the GF and children are with him? Does his dad spend quality time with him when he visits?

Original poster

thethreemuskateers · 21/09/2022 10:42

MeridianB · 21/09/2022 10:11

I don't blame you for being worried, especially as he's so little. It sounds like a dysfuntional house.

Children refusing to speak to an adult living in the same house is unsustainable and unhealthy. It's hard to know what the problem is here but either their mother needs to address it with them or needs to accept your Ex is not right for her.

Does your son share any feedback on how the GF and children are with him? Does his dad spend quality time with him when he visits?

Thanks for taking time to reply.

He said Dads girlfriend is really nice to him, he did come home 2 weeks ago and tell me the older boy kicked him. I’ve written this down but haven’t said anything.

The older boy is quite messed up and has previous for being violent. I’ve tried to hard over the last 1.5 years to make sure our home life is stable for my boys older son 16 has stopped contact with his Dad. It’s just frustrating with the little one as you say is going off to what’s clearly a very dysfunctional set up.

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MeridianB · 21/09/2022 10:56

Could he see his Dad somewhere else? At GPs? Or just for the day, without overnight stays? Does he have a proper bed there?

Original poster

thethreemuskateers · 21/09/2022 10:58

I think they are trying to do a lot of things as a family mini golf last weekend then theme park at this weekend.

I don’t think my son gets a massive amount of one to one now his Dads moved in with the girlfriend. Just this weekend he left my son with the girlfriend to play a game of golf which I’m not happy about as I feel he should arrange his golf over the 5 nights he hasn’t got him.

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Original poster

thethreemuskateers · 21/09/2022 11:40

MeridianB · 21/09/2022 10:56

Could he see his Dad somewhere else? At GPs? Or just for the day, without overnight stays? Does he have a proper bed there?

He sleeps on a bed settee in there dining room. I’m going to suggest no overnight stays and to maybe pick him up school take for tea/soft play 1-2 nights a week.

I know my ex won’t be happy with this.

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properdoughnut · 21/09/2022 11:50

thethreemuskateers · 21/09/2022 10:58

I think they are trying to do a lot of things as a family mini golf last weekend then theme park at this weekend.

I don’t think my son gets a massive amount of one to one now his Dads moved in with the girlfriend. Just this weekend he left my son with the girlfriend to play a game of golf which I’m not happy about as I feel he should arrange his golf over the 5 nights he hasn’t got him.

That's up to him though. You could maybe ask and say if you can't look after him for any reason can I please have first refusal rather than leaving him with GF.

MeridianB · 21/09/2022 13:13

He played golf instead spending time with his 4yo son who visits two days per week? This is really poor.

Presumably he wont be happy about doing something after school or going to soft play as he won't be able to dump DS on his girlfriend.

Is he a good/supportive/affectionate dad in any other way?

Original poster

thethreemuskateers · 21/09/2022 15:59

MeridianB · 21/09/2022 13:13

He played golf instead spending time with his 4yo son who visits two days per week? This is really poor.

Presumably he wont be happy about doing something after school or going to soft play as he won't be able to dump DS on his girlfriend.

Is he a good/supportive/affectionate dad in any other way?

No he’s a very poor Dad can’t really see he brings anything to my youngest’s life but stress to be honest.

and my oldest son has chose to not have a relationship with him.

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MeridianB · 21/09/2022 18:37

"No he’s a very poor Dad can’t really see he brings anything to my youngest’s life but stress to be honest. and my oldest son has chose to not have a relationship with him."

Only you know if your little one benefits from staying with him or how frequently he buggers off to play golf etc. So only you know whether it's worth the visits. But from what you have described, its sounds like more of a debit than a credit for your 4yo.

Does ex pay proper maintenance?

Original poster

thethreemuskateers · 21/09/2022 18:54

MeridianB · 21/09/2022 18:37

"No he’s a very poor Dad can’t really see he brings anything to my youngest’s life but stress to be honest. and my oldest son has chose to not have a relationship with him."

Only you know if your little one benefits from staying with him or how frequently he buggers off to play golf etc. So only you know whether it's worth the visits. But from what you have described, its sounds like more of a debit than a credit for your 4yo.

Does ex pay proper maintenance?

Yes he left over 1.5 year ago and I managed last month to get him to agree to 100 a month for both boys. He’s basically covering our oldest boys lunches at 6th form.

He claims it’s all he can afford despite having a football season ticket and golf membership! Not much I can do as he works cash in hand.

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MeridianB · 21/09/2022 21:44

I’d take him through CMS anyway - don’t let him off the hook.

Ponderingwindow · 21/09/2022 21:49

You aren’t overreacting. The mother rushed into moving in. Her children are going to resent the incursion of both the adult and the new child into their lives. A good father would never had put his son in this position.

Original poster

thethreemuskateers · 21/09/2022 21:51

MeridianB · 21/09/2022 21:44

I’d take him through CMS anyway - don’t let him off the hook.

Already done it and unfortunately it came back he had to pay zero due to being on
universal credit 🥲

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Original poster

thethreemuskateers · 21/09/2022 21:56

Ponderingwindow · 21/09/2022 21:49

You aren’t overreacting. The mother rushed into moving in. Her children are going to resent the incursion of both the adult and the new child into their lives. A good father would never had put his son in this position.

Yes I 💯 agree they moved in too quickly.

But neither will admit that the children are suffering at the hands of there decision.

My 4 year old like many is boisterous I can only imagine how difficult it is on her 9 and 12 year old dealing with my ex and my son being there.

He isn’t a good father unfortunately he’s always been extremely selfish.

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Original poster

thethreemuskateers · 23/09/2022 22:54

Well I decided to have it out with my ex about my concerns. I mentioned the 12 year old kicking my son and being mean he totally ignored this and swiftly changed the subject so clearly knows this is an issue.

He went on to bombard me with the fact he has joint parental responsibility etc…

His partner is a social worker and they constantly try to undermine me and think they can scare me.

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