Kids getting along

[Alibro79]

Hello

I'm hoping for some practical tips. My daughter (4) was introduced to dps daughter (9) about 3 months ago. They generally get on well when dsd wants to get on well, but she can be a bit unkind. I think just normal sibling sort stuff like, for example, using my dds favourite cup out of the cupboard and making a big show of it to try to upset her. Minor things but pretty constant some days. If they were actual siblings I'd probably let them work it out between them but given the age difference and the fact I guess I feel like I have a choice to allow my DD to be in this position, i was wondering if anyone had any words of wisdom to help make things better.

DP is a hands on Dad but I think him telling DSD off for this stuff makes it worse rather than better and we should be trying to address the cause of it, which I suspect is a bit of being threatened by this new, smaller child.

Any helpful tips would be gratefully received.

I mean I would frame it as a learning lesson on how not to be a ass. It's true in nuclear families this plays out usually with siblings but responsible adults intervene and go kid1 knock off being a jerk to kid2 and everyone goes about their day. It's a massive thing that requires group therapy.

You can't magic your child away and neither should you. You need to ask DP to tackle it in the moment, you don't need to lock DSC under the stairs but you do need to say hey don't do that not cool.

Repeat repeat repeat. Unkind people are usually unhappy people. Try framing it to Dc that way (if she's of the age that she will get this and not throw it at dsc in a fight) to help widen her understanding. Teach her dsc is doing it because she's getting a kick out of the response, so to try and let some it go (if again age appropriate- toddlers will not do this)

Change is hard, but there's no reason not to pull any child up on being unkind to anyone. SC shouldn't be exempt from this rule. Promise me when I say I have been there and if you don't tackle this head on it may become a pattern.

Also side note dsc being bullied ? Bullies are often bullied. Ect (not suggesting dsc is a bully but something to be mindful of if you think this is something deeper)

Ffs It's not* a massive thing that requires group therapy.

I think DP should be pulling her up on in, 5 years age difference at that age is huge. She needs to grow up.

This. Your DD is four - a tiny child! Your ex should be all over this. And what is the GF saying/doing when her 9yo is being mean to a much younger child that she barely knows?

I’d expect zero tolerance. It’s really not a normal thing for a 9yo to be doing.

What’s the set-up? Assuming you’re the NRP and your ex is living with GF and her DD - or they are all staying over together at weekends - then this is doubly bad. Because the negative experiences are during precious contact time.

Hello

It's my daughter and my partner's daughter, we don't live together, the kids see each other once or twice a week.

My DP tells her off each time we notice it, tells her off and explains why what she's doing is unkind etc. She invariably denies it and then cries and wails hysterically.

She is immature for her age in many ways. I agree she needs to grow up a bit, but her reaction each time she gets told off for this just tells me she's feeling a bit threatened and makes me doubt telling her off is an effective way of sorting it.

She reacts really badly if for example we're out for a walk and i put my DD on my shoulders, so she asks and her dad tells her she's too big for that and needs to walk. My daughter also has a comfort blankie in the house when she's tired, and all of a sudden dsd has started carrying round a big bloody blanket, even out of the house though when dd doesn't even have hers. She's also obsessed with the idea of my DD somehow getting more than her, will talk at length about it and if we are out say feeding the ducks, will go to great lengths to ensure she gets equal or more duck food. All minor examples but add up.

She's struggling with the transition which I'm sure is very normal, but it's not acceptable that my dd bears the brunt. Although tbh most of the time it goes entirely over her head so it's probably upsetting me more than her! Both kids still get plenty of time with us individually, one on one. We each have our DDs 4 days a week. I'm concerned that if she keeps getting told off, this will only be making these feelings she has worse. Like she's a problem and my DD is the golden child.

I've considered finishing with him, and also said i just don't want the kids spending time together but unless we do break up then that's just kicking the can down the road isn't it. I don't have any friends who have been in this position, my Mum says it's just time that's needed. Time for things to settle as it's only been a few months, and time because dsd will grow up and mature. I'm sure she's actually right but in the meantime I'm feeling guilty.

I want both girls to feel loved, secure and happy all the time, including when we're all together.

@Alibro79 excuse my bluntness but any Nero diversity for DSC ? Suspected or not ?

What's relations like with mum ? (could she be drumming in the whole - you will be neglected by dad now he has a new family).

Sounds like acting out to me which in turn makes me think that she's feeling insecure. Odd tactic but could you specifically love bomb her - as in reprimand quickly the bad thing, move quickly to distraction and then go a little OTT on the positive. Sounds counterintuitive but it does work.

It's very early days and I'm not gonna lie step parenting is hard as hell - but this could just be teething problems. It takes 8 years to step families to settle into into themselves on whole (this may be as reassuring as I intent it to be)

There's a fab podcast on Spotify called open.spotify.com/show/17eQLWrjnuRUGt7gRx1yxt?si=y11InBy_TnuRXw3D3gA9jg and the support thread on here somewhere which is made up of sms who have lived and breathed this for years and often invaluable source of support if ever you need a vent, quick question (that isn't so haunted by non step parents as this board typically is).

Not that others input isn't valuable (it is) but step parenting is nuanced and can be difficult for outsiders to get it.

So sorry, I misread your OP.

I think this makes it simpler, though.

How long has he been apart from DD’s mother and how long have you been together? Just trying to get a sense of how new things might be -or not - for his DD.

Unless you’ve been together for a year or so, I’d take a massive step back from the blending. Keep dating but don’t put the DDs together. Because it sounds like DP’s DD is very insecure. That’s for DP to address, but also the whole thing sounds exhausting and I don’t think it’s fair on you or your little DD to be in the middle of this.

We've been together around 18 months. They separated June 2020.

I have specifically suggested lovebombing, so thanks for suggesting that.

There is no suspected neurodiversity although school have fed back she finds it hard to make friends and connect with other kids, will often tell them to go away and leave her alone but then cries and gets upset that she doesn't have friends. She is quite inflexible.

My daughter is as easy going as they come, friends with everyone and anyone which makes it really hard not to come across like dsd is the sole problem.

I just think we need to leave her in no doubt that she is loved and wanted. That comes far more naturally to me, but it needs to come more from him than me doesn't it.

Mum is reasonable enough and i don't suspect she's dripping any poison but has mental health difficulties and as far as i can gather can really withdraw from the children, basically lock herself away at times, just meeting their basic needs but no more. All the more reason to show her all the love i think.

Is 8 years just the average time for kids to move out after the family is blended 😅😅

@Alibro79 😂😂😂 no comment on that but that did make me giggle wry way.

I think lovebombing is a excellent idea especially given what you have posted about mums struggles probably is what DSC is crying out for. I wouldn't just think she needs it from DH. It should also be you because I think sometimes attention even bad attention when your getting little attention (even for very valid reasons re mums MH) is quite understandable.

You sound lovely !! Honestly try not to fret, it does get better and there will be bumps in the road (I'm in teen year so don't ask me as it's been a "interesting" time). I would still on balance still do it all again if it helps.

Also worth a blended family life will never ever be dull.

Makes more sense that his DD is unsettled, as there has been a lot of change in the last 2-3 years.

You’re right that DP needs to do the bulk of the reassurance. She’d need this even if you weren’t on the scene.

You said they are seeing each other once or twice a week and I’d really reduce the frequency, at least for a while.

Thanks so much for the advice. She has been through an awful lot the last 5 years or so bless her little heart and as much as she adores her Mummy there really doesn't seem to be much stability there.

Meanwhile DP has been adapting to being a single Dad and there's been ups and downs there, previously he worked all hours and Mum did basically all childcare, but with her mental health, DP now has the bulk of the childcare (his 4 days include all weekend, at Mum's insistence) which he is happy with, but is a big change for him too and he's had a lot to learn. Then we've cropped up! Left it a good long while before meeting kids because of all of the reasons above.

He's such a gentle, kind intelligent man and if he wasn't so wonderful I'd be questioning my sanity!

OP, you sound like a wonderful, caring and loving human. That's what all children need. I absolutely agree with you, your DP's DD needs stability, security and love more than ever right now but that should not be at the expense, comfort and wellbeing of your child.

I would firmly but fairly set and enforce clear boundaries about acceptable/unacceptable behaviour, seems your DP is already doing this.

I would absolutely give her time and in the same space I'd make sure she knew my child and I are not a threat. I get the impression she is desperate for acceptance and connection and if her Mum becomes quite detached through her own struggles then she's obviously left craving interaction from her.
Then she sees her Dad with someone else and in her eyes not only are you clearly very engaged with your own DD, but her Dad is now spending time with another child and she has to 'share' him.

You are doing really well, she's lucky you're not an aggressive, jealous and insecure girlfriend. Lots of women are and it's the children that get caught in the middle.

Thank you. That means a lot. You're right, me and dd are very close, very tactile, lots of cuddles etc and I obviously won't lessen that to suit dsd but both me and dp need to do all we can to help dsd feel better.

If DSD’s mother is only meeting her basic needs, it must be difficult for DSD to see you and your DD being cuddly and loving. Her fears about DD getting “more” than her are basically true. Not because anyone is taking away from DSD but simply because life is unfair. Children struggle to rationalize why things are unfair and often end up blaming themselves, if they don’t act out. Acting out is probably the healthier outlook. So as crummy as it is, at least she is not internalizing the feelings of being worth less motherly attention compared to the other child in one of her households.

You have a kindly and perceptive attitude and of course you don’t want your own child to be the butt of the acting out behavior. The sensitivity and understanding you show will go a long way towards helping it all get better.