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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How to call stepmother by her name or mother?

65 replies

originalplus · 17/09/2022 14:47

My father would like me to call his second wife mom.
My biological mother died when I was very young. What do you think?

OP posts:

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CountessLovelace · 17/09/2022 15:15

Maybe once your brother/sister is born, you can talk to them about “mom” or “mummy” in a similar way I refer to my DH as “daddy” when talking to our baby - Obviously up to you what you’re comfortable with though!

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/09/2022 15:16

Call her by her name. You have a mum, she’s no longer with you but she’ll always be your mum.

HeddaGarbeld · 17/09/2022 15:17

31-18 = 13. That’s for the couple of posters who called it a 12 year gap.

And it’s technically a 14 year difference right now as the OP is still 17 even though she’s 18 soon.

But anyway, still a small gap.

Can you call her by a special nickname OP, that only you use? A sign of affection and your relationship without using “mom”.

Original poster

originalplus · 17/09/2022 15:20

Yes, Exactly ! I want to call her mom or something affectionate.
It is bad to call her by her name, just now when she is about to give me a little brother or sister after so many years.

OP posts:

Handyweatherstation · 17/09/2022 15:31

I'm sorry about your mum and the awkward position you're in. I also lost my mum early and my step mother came into my life when I was 16 and she was also 12-13 years older than me. There's no way I'd have called her mum and I've always used her name.

Saying that, I wonder if she's worrying you might feel edged out with her and your dad starting a new family, so wants to you feel involved by calling her mum. Dunno, it sounds complicated.

sageandrosemary · 17/09/2022 15:36

Call her whatever you feel comfortable with. And I don't feel like your dad should be pressuring you to do anything other.

maudesvagina · 17/09/2022 15:36

originalplus · 17/09/2022 15:20

Yes, Exactly ! I want to call her mom or something affectionate.
It is bad to call her by her name, just now when she is about to give me a little brother or sister after so many years.

No it's not bad. She is becoming a mother but she is not your mother. You're not a young child and you don't need to call her the same thing as your new sibling if you don't want to

lunar1 · 17/09/2022 15:38

You are just as much a part of the family regardless of what you call your dads partner.

girlmom21 · 17/09/2022 15:40

My step moms pretty much been a mom to me for as long as I remember but I call her by her first name still. I think that's fine.

I buy 'mom' cards for birthdays etc.

nachoavocado · 17/09/2022 16:52

It should be fine to call her by her name if that's what you want. It doesn't matter so much what she wants as long as you're not being rude or insulting.

mathanxiety · 17/09/2022 16:57

How about a word for stepmother in another language?

Matrigna - Italian (maybe too close to latrine)
Macocha - Polish
Belle mere - French (accent missing)
Belme - Haitian creole (accents missing)
Muime - Scots Gaelic
Aayo - Somali

Or even something like Mamah, Mimah, etc.

Overall, I think you need to communicate directly with your dad and stepmother. Maybe a nice note to each of them would be a good idea. Be kind. Assure them you love them both, you can't wait to finally have a sibling, how much you love being part of the expanding family, how loved and valued they have always made you feel.

But - you feel uncomfortable using the word Mom for the stepmother because you've always thought of your late mother as Mom deep in your heart of hearts. Ask if there's any other term the stepmother would like you to use - maybe a nickname of hers, maybe a foreign language term, maybe an abbreviation of her own name.

They can't be offended if you try really hard to assure them of your affection and the joy you find in being part of the family.

HeddaGarbeld · 17/09/2022 17:03

Ha @mathanxiety I suggested the word for mother in another language. (I see you’re saying word for stepmother which is better). The OP PM’d me to ask for suggestions after I suggested on here she call the stepmother a special nickname.

stepmumspacepodcast · 18/09/2022 10:20

OP sorry for your loss.

you call her what you want. Nothing is forever so you can continue calling her by her name and if in time you want to call her mom then you can. Or you can find a special nickname for her.

either way it’s up to you and your dads wife to find something you’re both happy with. It sounds like she’s doing it with good intentions to make you feel included but I’m sure if you just said you’d rather call her her name she’d understand x

Beinggood2 · 20/09/2022 17:33

originalplus · 17/09/2022 14:51

I honestly don't know yet.
On the one hand I want to call her mom , on the other hand it is embarrassing.
Like I'm betraying my mother's memory.

So don't call her mum simple.

My dad wanted me to call my SM mum because he didn't want people to know he previously had me with someone else. I didn't like referring to mum if people say how your mum and dad.
Now people start realizing that my SM isn't my mum and I correct them too. It's disrespectful to my own mother. I call her by her name. My mum is alive but if I was you I wouldn't call her mum if you don't want too. Tell your dad no it makes your uncomfortable. If you decide to call her mum then it's when you ready too. She won't replace your mum and even though you maybe lucky to have someone who may treat you like daughter you shouldn't feel forced to her mum.

hattie43 · 20/09/2022 17:45

No way would I call a stepmom mom although it's your personal choice .
Imo you only have one mom and that's why other relationships have different names .

Madamecastafiore · 20/09/2022 17:58

hattie43 · 20/09/2022 17:45

No way would I call a stepmom mom although it's your personal choice .
Imo you only have one mom and that's why other relationships have different names .

That's really sad. My DC called their stepfather Dad through their choice alone as he'd been in their life since they were little. He's more of a father to them than their own ever has been.

For those too that have lost a parent it's often something nice for the child as well as the adult. I was known for not having a mum as she'd passed away and it was an awful thing to have to go through. Just being able to call someone mum at the school gates would have meant I wasn't different from everyone else.

economicervix · 20/09/2022 18:10

It’s probably to save your father the embarrassment of people assuming his newest wife is your girlfriend/sister, with her being only 13yrs older than you.
I’d laugh and say no thank you. You have a mother, even though she’s not here she’s still your mother, dads new wife can be called her name, or a nickname or whatever.

hattie43 · 20/09/2022 18:14

@Madamecastafiore

I think if a child is very tiny and only knows one step parent it's different to OP who is 18 an adult and suddenly being asked to call a lady not that much older than her mom

Madamecastafiore · 20/09/2022 18:20

hattie43 but that's not what you said. You said in your opinion you only have one mum when in some families there are two or kids, whatever their age, choose to call someone else mum/dad.

UghNoTime · 20/09/2022 18:35

What about Mom-Jane. Or whatever her name is. It makes it clear it's not your Mum but you are still calling her Mom

Singleandproud · 20/09/2022 18:40

My mum lost her own mum as a preteen, her dad quickly remarried and Step mum was always called by her name and didn't really have a 'mum' role. When my mum got married to my dad she called her MIL mum as she had a more motherly role, supported them practically when newly wed, with childcare when they got married.

It's totally up to you and the relationship she has with you but it would be a no from me. A simple "Sorry Dad, I'm not comfortable with that" should suffice if that's how you feel.

kimchifox · 20/09/2022 19:08

You could go for something else - like "Ma" or previously suggested words in other languages or an affectionate nick-name perhaps? Calling her "mum" seems like quite a lot of pressure for both of you.

BraveGoldie · 21/09/2022 09:12

I like the various suggestions for alternatives. These could be great solutions.

However, I think most people aren't really listening to the OP, who has said twice that at least part of her would like to call her SM mum and that her worry is betraying her mothers memory, rather than not feeling close to SM or not wanting to.

OP, if you don't like the feeling of calling her mum, then you absolutely shouldn't and don't have to. But if you actually would like to have that, and she is a long term presence in your life and does act towards you in a motherly way, then you should feel absolutely free to.

It sounds like you are worried your late mum might be upset or feel betrayed. We can never know this, but as a mum I can say that if I died, my most fervent hope would be that another caring, loving woman would act as my proxy- so my daughter had a motherly figure in her life.... if my daughter felt close enough to someone to call them mum I would be profoundly glad. I would be dancing with joy and sending all my love and blessings into that relationship. Having a permanent gaping hole in my daughter's life is not how I would like to be honoured. Her being happy would be my only wish.

Really it comes down to what you want - but I wouldn't let guilt stop you, if that is your blocker.

MeridianB · 21/09/2022 10:06

I'm sorry for your loss.

You absolutelt don't need to decide this now. Just do what feels right for you at the moment, and if that changes over time then that's fine, too.

Maybe be honest with them that you're not clear in your own mind about it at the moment and it's nothing personal, just you need more time and will let them know when you have a different view. This is purely your choice and no one else's.

Worksforme · 22/09/2022 08:42

My DDIL calls me mommafirstletterofmyname sometimes, it’s lovely it’s lovely and full of affection while showing I’m not her mum

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