Anyone else finding their reblended family situation unbearable ?

[lemonbabe]

Been with my OH for 6 years, moved in together after 1. We are literally poles apart when it comes to managing/disciplining the kids. We both have boy + girl -boys same age and girls same age, which is a bonus. However, he chooses to do literally nothing when it comes to disciplining his kids, versus my old school, stricter style of educating them about the effort that goes into running a house and looking after 4 teens, on every level, shopping, cleaning, cooking, washing, etc etc etc

I expect some input from all 4 and when I don’t get that I get annoyed and let them know it. He then gets annoyed at me and his solution is to intervene and do the u done chores himself !!!!

I’ve just about had all I can take. On the verge of packing my bags.

Have you put him on the spot and asked him why he’s being an ineffective father and so unsupportive to you?

LadyCluck Yeah lots of times. By his own admission he says he does nothing to teach or guide his kids. I told him early on that I could take the lead as I have no problem with this part of a kid’s education. But he doesn’t support me and maintains behaviour which reinforces that it’s ok for the kids to do nothing in the household.

He seems to ignore that this annoys the hell out of me and for every effort I make in telling and re-telling the kids that this or that is not acceptable he impedes any real progress by simply ‘covering up’ for them, and in doing so completely misses the point.

Yes that’s why my ex moved out 😞 Although I miss him I do not miss dealing with his kids/ the demands/ his ex wife/ constantly feeling second best and an outsider in my own home. Blended families are really really hard and I have all respect for people that make them work. Now it’s my son and I at home and although I’m still reeling from the aftermath of it all I already feel calmer.

Inamess2022 I totally agree the blended family is soooo difficult to manage. I constantly feel frustrated about this issue -he just buried his head in the sand 🙄

Had all the ex stuff to deal with early on -she was a bi£tçh and did everything in her power to break us up -of course he was oblivious to her behind back knifing.
My ex was as bad sticking spanners in the works wherever he could.

Things seem to have ironed out apart from this huge ravine which I don’t seem capable of ignoring.

Yes, pack your bags! Go back to living separately and if you still respect your dp, maintain a more relaxed relationship as you will hopefully only get the good bits.

I don’t have a step family situation but I had the same problem with my husband. I would ask my daughter to do some age-appropriate chore, or clean up after herself, and he would intervene and start helping her with it. It sent a terrible message. He seemed very reluctant to give her any chores that involve actual work.
It took lots of lots of discussion to iron it out. As a “bonus”, it’s not like he was jumping up to help me with any of the adult chores!!!

Fortunately, my kid did not exploit the situation much. She knows that if I tell her to do something and I find dad doing it instead, I will not be happy!

I spent a lot of time reframing the situation to both of them as being about my kid’s independence. Learning to do things for yourself because one day before too long, you want to be Independent and have some privileges of staying at home by yourself. I don’t know if that might help you, even more talking up the doing of chores and taking of responsibilities as leading to independence/privileges?

E.g., “I know you don’t want to learn to cook right now but in a couple of years, if I see you can safely get dinner for yourself you can stay home while dad and I are out for the evening.” It seemed to help both my kid and my husband understand.

Good luck. I know how crummy and frustrating the situation is. It’s very hard to implement anything with kids when you don’t have the other parent backing you up. It shouldn’t be that way. And in a blended family of course it is much harder.

I have similar issues and our children are shared. There is one set of rules for our kids and another for his child. I am constantly having to point out that our children are being disciplined for copying behaviour from his child, but am met with endless excuses or a shrug as essentially DH is totally incapable of any effectual parenting for his child.

I find it really frustrating. Also find I have to unpick all the bad behaviours, I’ll give an example - DH’s child picks what he has for tea and DH cooks it to order, this will be some sort of junk food, my children eat what’s on the meal plan and I generally don’t serve processed food every meal time. My kids will demand what they want for tea in the same way when it’s just us - I have to explain that we can’t just shout “I want” and I’m not going to jump in my car to purchase whatever they fancy from the shops. But they’ve witnessed that behaviour from their half brother so come to expect it. Also really small things like being expected to say please and thank you. Our kids are corrected. His isn’t.

Its an absolute nightmare. Just makes everything feel so hostile. Not fair on the kids either.

OP! You are not alone!!

I talk to lots of women who feel like this!

open.spotify.com/episode/0jcAaiPNgtWMoPToWU1Z6n?si=ZHVBD7QFRwK1K1iP9-re8Q

it is so stressful and so upsetting.
you have my huge empathy x x

Op you have my sympathy - this is exactly how my DH was with his daughter - it was unbearable. She took totally advantage and would cause issues between us. Fortunately she was older and has left home now and it is such a relief.

But DH expects my kids to help around the house - which is my model but I find it so hypocritical because of how he was with his daughter (and still is if she visits or comes on holiday with us).

I love that a SM has been able to speak on openly without fear of the kids Mum kicking off.

This line jumped out. OP:

"By his own admission he says he does nothing to teach or guide his kids."

This would be a dealbreaker for me. Who even thinks this, let alone says it so shamelessly!

Not sure if you all live together all the time. How do your children feel about living with him and the double standards?

Yes! That’s my goal! To give Stepmums space to talk and to remove some of the stigma we face! X

I’d have to stop living together and just date. It’s wrong that the kids are treated so differently.