Find this situation uncomfortable. DSCs mum and our DC

[DontWant]

DSCs Mum has always been difficult, often I feel on purpose trying to subtly make our lives harder work than necessary. No need to go into everything here but I'm not her biggest fine and she maybe isn't mine either (although we've never spoken directly about any issues). When there have been problems in the past she speaks to my husband absolutely horribly, like he is beneath her, calls him names and has even been arrested previously for attacking him although that was around 6 years ago now and nothing more came of it.

They try most of the time to get on but both are looking forward to the day they don't have to talk much I'm sure!

My DSC are 8&11 and my husband and I share 1 DC who is 2.5.

I understand there is some interest there as our child is her child's sibling but it makes me uncomfortable the amount she seems interested in our child.

When our child was born H sent some pictures to her which I didn't like. I wasn't bothered that he informed her and his DC that our child had been born but these pictures were quite intimate. Our child had literally just been born in these photos and I look a mess and although nothing is on display, they aren't photos I wanted his ex wife to be in possession of! So that was the first thing that annoyed me (H's fault obviously).

But basically she will ask about our child all the time, tell DH to bring them when he picks DSC up from her house so she can see them, asks DSC to take a picture of our DC at Christmas/ birthday with their presents, things like that. Even offers to look after them if we need it.

I just find the whole thing so uncomfortable and I don't like it. I would like DH to ideally stop taking our child in her house and certainly under no circumstances do I want her looking after them.

I just don't like the fact a woman who says max two words to me whenever I see her and who I don't really like is so gushing over my child.

Anyone else have this?

To some extent but not that extreme. I get that there will be some level of interest in her child's siblings but yes requests for photos and she kept asking to hold them when they were newborn. I put my foot down and she's never met my child in person.

She sounds lovely and like she’s trying encourage a good relationship between her children and their sibling. My mum would often invite my step siblings round so we could all play together.

My reasoning is if she hasn't bothered to meet me in all these years I'm not going to let her meet my child. She complains I haven't asked to meet her but I don't need to.

There's no need for DH to take the child with them when they go for drop offs to encourage a good relationship between the childrenm

Would you describe a man as lovely if he was arrested for assaulting a woman? How odd.

Yes it seems a bit much. Fine to show an interest and encourage a good sibling relationship but a bit odd to request photos

She was literally arrested for assaulting him... How low is your bar for a lovely sounding woman? 😳

I just think if anyone else did the things she does, speaks to my husband the way she does etc.. she'd be having nothing to do with my child.

I most certainly wouldn't be allowing my child round there if she has assaulted their dad tbh.

Oh yes, a perpetrator of DA, she sounds really lovely... 🙄IMAGINE if this was said about a man!

Spot on. She doesnt get a free pass because she has children with your child's dad.

Absolutely agreed - and if I were you, I'd enforce this boundary.

I wouldn't send any more pictures. Who is to know she isn't showing them to people making disparaging remarks about your child. Your DH was out of order for sending the first lot but I assume he knows that.

Obviously I missed that bit jeez.

OP, the problem is his lack of healthy reasonable boundaries. The last person DH wants having anything to do with our child is his ex. They communicate as little as possible about my DSC and she’ll never meet our DC, she’s never acknowledged she even exists which I’m happy about. My DSC are close to her and have a lovely bond. They’re all part of our family unit and nothing to do with the unit they share with their mother.

She’s weird and inappropriate but he’s the issue, he needs to respect your wishes and keep proper distance between her and your child. I’m not sure why he isn’t but focus on that.

I would like DH to ideally stop taking our child in her house I completely missed this bit. Why is he taking your child into her house? There is absolutely no need. There's no need for her to come into your house either. Your DH needs to realise you aren't all one happy family, it's more like a Venn diagram. No need for you and your child to ever see her. Even if the DSC get married you can decide then if you're going you don't have to prep for this years in advance by being overly civil now.

OP, you may get a wide range of responses here from people who get on fine with the ex and cannot imagine the kind of strained relationship you describe. And of course this is hugely relevant.

• Would I understand acknowledgement/interest in my child as a half sibling? Yes.
• Would I be happy about the photos? No - totally understand your feelings on this.
• Is it appropriate for the ex to try to meet/cultivate a relationship with my child when she has been violent and aggressive to my DH and at best indifferent to me? Absolutely not.

I would ask DH to stop passing these comments on. And if you don't want DC going for pick-up or drop-off you should absolutely stop this.

Of course there are many people who have great relationships with exes and will have much closer links to each other. You should do what is best for you and your DC in this situation.

I think in most cases there’s no need to exclude the mother of your child’s siblings but the history of violence changes that. Do the kids witness the violence to your husband?

As they say on here, you have a DH problem.

If it wasn’t for the fact that he has been sending her pictures, taking the child round there etc most of this wouldn’t be an issue. On the face of it there’s nothing wrong with the average ex having an interest in the children’s half siblings, but we’re talking people who are on the whole decent human beings which it sounds like she isn’t.

I always take an interest in my DC’s half sibling, but only from afar, i.e. I always ask DC how they are, they have some SN which I know must be difficult for ex because they’ve had to fight for a diagnosis etc, and in an emergency I would of course offer to look after them although they would never ask.

But A, I’ve never assaulted my ex, and B, while I have seen pictures on DC’s phone, those were just pictures they showed me of the baby when they were born. I would never ask for pictures or even expect to be shown them.

I think in most cases there's no need to include the mother of your child's siblings!

Opposite way around here. I had a child after I split up from my ex. Her Dad isn’t around (abusive, not allowed) and the father of my eldest has always made a fuss of her, and recently went for her first sleepover with her sibling (she’s 8, eldest is a teen). Worth noting my ex is long term single, which makes a difference, I think.

We’ve always had a slightly unconventional co parenting relationship judging by what’s the “norm”, but I’m horrified at your DHs ex!

If he had another child, I’d definitely be curious because I’m a nosey cow and bloody love babies, but I’d keep it to myself, I’d bollock him if he sent me a photo of his partner just after giving birth (Christ I can’t imagine anything worse tbh, what a nob your DH was for that!) and I sure as shit wouldn’t be asking him to bring the child for pick ups/drop offs, that’s just bloody weird.

Also missed the part where she assaulted him.

Hard fucking no, no. Her actual DC have to have a relationship with her (my mother was a violent woman and deeply unpleasant), YOUR DC does not. And don’t tolerate any bullshit about it making SDCs happy. Your child, hard boundaries chosen by YOU.