Letting DSC go out by themselves

[Chatterychattery]

DSC are with us 50% of the week.

Occasionally recently my husband has had to work a little later as there is a big project on at work. On these days I've been 'looking after' DSC as I'm home with our toddler anyway until DH gets in.

I say looking after as they are 9 (10 in a week) & 12 so not a huge deal of looking after involved.

Anyway, they are always asking to go to the park after school. It's about a 5-10 min walk from our house. I can't go with them with the toddler all the time (and I just cba a lot of the time either!) So DH agreed they could go by themselves and so they have been this past week.

Their mum basically kicked off the first time saying they aren't to go by themselves again. DH said he's happy for them to go and to let them if they ask me so I've still been letting them go. Their mum isn't happy but surely it's also up to DH?

Why can't you go with your toddler? But yes they should be able to go on their own.

I don't think its fair that you're in this position to be honest. Your dh needs to arrange his work so he can get home for them or they need to come later. You shouldn't be in the middle of parenting disputes.

Because tbh I can't always be bothered.

Completely agree.

Tbh I wouldn't be very happy if I didn't feel my son was sensible or old enough to go out alone. It should be a joint decision from both parents in my opinion. It's a big deal letting children out alone. The mum should have a say even though children aren't with her. She isn't any less their mum. People aren't part time parents.
Completely agree and I wouldn't be going to the park with my toddler when asked unless it suited me. I cba and it's a faff sometimes. I think DH needs to talk with his ex and co-parent better rather than making a decision that perhaps both parents need to be in on.

@allboysmum3 the parents are separated. Mum has no say in what dad does in his time and vice versa. That's one of the things that happens when you separate from your children's other parent.

The big thing here is that the OP partner should not be allowing the mother of his other children to drag the OP into conflict with her about his parenting decisions.

Also secondary age children should he getting themselves to and from school alone. Therefore they are old enough to go to parks in daylight.

10 year olds may not be it depends.

I get they are separated but they should be able to co-parent and therefore make decisions together.

I agree with @allboysmum3 in that the parents should talk about it and come to an agreement. However she has no business "kicking off" at someone who is providing free childcare. If she is unhappy with their parenting decisions then she maybe she should step up and take the kids to the park herself rather than expecting the op to pick up the childcare when the dad can't.

If she wants to kick-off she should kick.off at dh, not you.

Also, reality is that both parents have responsibility and your dh gets to decide when the children are in his care or the care of someone he has delegated.

Their mum basically kicked off the first time saying they aren't to go by themselves again. DH said he's happy for them to go and to let them if they ask me so I've still been letting them go. Their mum isn't happy but surely it's also up to DH? it's up to you really. DH shouldn't have let you know she'd kicked off as it puts you in a bit of a tricky situation now. But I always go with if DH says its OK then its OK, he's the parent and it's up to him to argue it out with their mum.

@allboysmum3 in your idea world.

Now back in reality each parent is responsible for their children in the time they are looking after them and are legally allowed to have different rules for the children from their other parent during the time they are looking after them.

Egh you know i have sympathy for mum (because it's a hard pill to swallow basically giving up any control on your ex's time for your DC) BUT that's what happens when you split and you have to accept that on some level as a mum.

So I would check with DP like your doing and if he says yes, then you allow them to go.

I would also if the ex kicked off at me, let her know that it's DP choice and if she has a issue with it take it up with him directly as it has 0 to do with me.

If she says well you should go with them, tell her to go spin as she's not your manager and your not her employee . Todders are hard work I wouldn't be arsed either.

Also am I the only child that was regularly allowed to go to the park alone at that age ...used to come back when it got dark (god I feel old)

Yes, when they are with him it’s up to him.

And 12 and 9 they are plenty old enough.

It’s for him to sort out with her, as long as you feel it’s fine (I would) just follow his wishes and don’t get involved. If you are being dragged into it, tell them in no uncertain terms you won’t be.

If you and your dh think the dc are responsible enough to go to the park on their own then let them. Your dh is responsible for his dc whilst they are with him, unless they are in danger then I'm afraid Mum doesn't really get a say in the matter or how you parent day to day .

Hi OP. My 10 year old has just started going to the park (further away than you describe) with friends - he knows the way / the way back etc. He doesn't have a phone - I actually prefer he navigates the situation without a phone at first so he is using hisbrain. I know he plays football and comes home after an hour or so.

Your 10 year old in this situation is with big brother - even better! The 12 year old surely is allowed out - he is secondary school age so has some independence?

Essentially you are parenting in this situation not the mum - but it might be worth trying to get her on side.

Obviously once it becomes a matter of you taking the toddler it won't be as convenient - if you/ the toddler don't want to go - why should you stand around in the cold when the boys could be playing freely while you get stuff done at home.

I have children the same age and find the mums reaction very strange. Does the 12 year old not have a phone for if anything were to happen anyway?

My two have been going to the local park for an hr so since they were 8 & 11. They are dsc and prior to being with us full time not really allowed to do any growing up/being independent.
Should be no problem at all at that age!
Their mother is being ridiculous & it is up their df what happens when they are staying with you.