SD coming to live with us

[hasitreallybeenthatlong]

Found out today SD will be coming to live with us, permanently. I have very mixed emotions about it, SD has a number of issues, going into detail will be very outing but her mother will be moving to another town and due to schooling SD will remain here, we have a DS and me and my OH and going through a very rough time in our relationship which we are trying to work on but this whole situation is making me really down, I just need to vent and has anyone been in this situation and can offer advice.

Would it be better all round if you lived separately with your child and let your husband deal with his daughter, who sounds as though she needs a lot of care?

I honestly am looking into this it's just so expensive to buy somewhere and renting is beyond ridiculous, with lack of flats available it's not a quick solution but long term definitely an option

What you're feeling is normal. I actually think it would be worse if you had no feelings of fear around this as it would imply that you hadn't thought of the ramifications and were just expecting her to slot in.

Is moving to a larger house or flat as a family in the same town an option? It might feel better for all of you if you move to a new place together rather than feeling that she is moving into "your" space.

Is your SD getting any outside help for her issues?

Thank you for being so kind, I feel awful for even feeling like this but unfortunately can't change my feelings, she is getting outside help but it's something that we have to adapt too and I am struggling with that element as I parent very differently and wouldn't allow certain things to happen or deal with situations different as I'm sure many people do but not sure how long I can be a silent partner and think I will definitely have to lay some sort of rule boundaries but I just right now feel like I no longer want to live here at all

You and your partner need to sit down before she moves in to discuss house rules and what you are to do when she breaks them.

She will break them as she is a teenager. If your partner refuses to acknowledge that then you need to get your ducks in a row to move out with your son asap.

Also make it very clear now if either of your children seriously hurts the other then you are splitting up as both children need to be kept safe.

How is this any good for DS?!

So this is a child with some issues, that is being abandoned by her mum.
and her dad just agreed to her living with him Wo properly getting your agreement.
Is that right?

To be fair there's not a lot else he could have done in the situation. If one parent can't or won't look after a child then the other must.

Maybe a separation is needed right now then.
While your work your relationship problems. His main focus is his DD for now. You see each other weekends and maybe start dating.
If all works out giving each other talk how all living together will work. But maybe relationship counselling and idea of SD moving with counsellor.

I would be having a talk re your own boundaries before she moves in. I.e how much childcare you'd be willing to do (for me it would be 0 unless absolute emergencies), how will finances will work etc.

Better to upfront about these things than fall into doing stuff you don't want to do in my experience.

I think for now and being unable to move out due to finances any time soon I will continue to look for somewhere else to live in the background but will definitely take you advice on having a conversation about boundaries / what is expected of me vs what I'm willing to do and try and come up with a solution short term sadly it's not one that I actually want to do but feel I should be being.