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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Dss friend

26 replies

Babyghirl · 29/08/2022 17:42

When dss 15 stays there was a friend he use to bring, and to put it nicely I can't stand his friend, self centered no manners pulled up afew time bout his language, walks about the house like he owns it goes in to cupboards lifts what he wants, well I have told dp I do not wsnt him back as he makes me feel so uncomfortable in my own home not what I need 22+3 weeks pregnant.

Dp was on his way here today with said friend for football practice at 7 he phoned, so after the call I text and told dp I do want wsnt to be around him I wss heading out he ended up going to his mums with them.

Whats your views on this do I have a right to say I don't want said friend in my home, or am I in the wrong.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 29/08/2022 17:54

How often does the friend visit? Have you called him out on his behaviour?

Of course you have a say on who spends time in your house.Explan to DSS that his friends are welcome to visit if they have good manners!

Original poster
Babyghirl · 29/08/2022 18:00

@MeridianB
I have pulled him up on his behaviour but it's in one eye and out the other, I told him he not in his his parents house and I do not tolerate bad language under my roof, he has friends that r lovely and I like it's just this one who happens to play football with, so would spend most weekends here.

I'm getting to the stage of fucking off every weekend to my folks just so I don't have to feel uncomfortable in my own home now that football is starting back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Babyghirl · 29/08/2022 18:00

One ear lol.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 29/08/2022 18:10

So they play football together but why does this friend have to be in your house?

I’d ban him and direct DSS to the nicer friends.

what does DH say about it all?

Original poster
Babyghirl · 29/08/2022 18:18

@MeridianB
He's in a huff cause I told him how I felt tbh, even if the wee boy was to change I can't take to him and know it would all be an act.

My dp trains the football team and I think he feels responsible to get him to and from training and matches, and his son won't stay on his own.

Like I don't need the stress of arguing about it I have had 4 miscarriages and I'm trying to be as calm as I can be.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 29/08/2022 18:21

Why won’t his son stay on his own?

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 29/08/2022 18:27

Is DsS slightly quieter and reserved ?
Do you know this friends parents or had any interactions ?

Can you politely say if you do this again - then you won't be welcome to this house in front of DsS ? So he knows you aren't cross at him but at his friend and actions.

Or if DP feels obligated to take the friend to and from football, why doesn't he pick him up on route with DsS.

Original poster
Babyghirl · 29/08/2022 18:45

@AnneLovesGilbert
He's got anxiety, he's at the age now I really don't think he likes coming tbh, but think it's put on him when dp goes to get him and he's out running about with all his friends but think he feel abliged to come.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers
Not where he lives, dps sister lives beside him and said he's nuts out there, I have told his friend of a number of times for the things he does and nothing changes, I know if he was to change it would be put on and I can't see past his attitude if that makes sense cause I have spread seen his true colours.

Have already told dss and dp a while back I did not wsnt him back in the house, he has other friends who I have only seen s nice side to so and I like them cause the r always nothing but polite.

OP posts:
Padron · 29/08/2022 18:46

He's in a huff cause I told him how I felt tbh, even if the wee boy was to change I can't take to him and know it would all be an act.

Who's in a huff, your DP, your DSS or even the wee boy himself? Ah pronouns, how I love thee not.

You have a right to set boundaries but if the boy sticks by those then it doesn't matter whether you can't take to him, you'd have to suck it up I'm afraid as your DSS also lives there. I'd say the same if it was your own child. Banning friends unless they've done something v bad can be counter-productive. Teenagers can be drawn to the forbidden fruit.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 29/08/2022 18:52

@Babyghirl it really depends on this friends behaviours tbh. Teenagers can be hard work. If obviously he's destroying things then a ban would be understandable, but if it's just being a teenager I'm on the fence if I'm honest. Teenagers aren't always known for their social skills

How does this friend treat DsS ? It maybe this friendship fizzles out on its own but I agree with PP actually a ban may cement the friendship and do more harm than good iMO

That said I'm sorry about your previous losses. Pregnancy after loss is a horrific time, hopefully you have got enough support around you 💐

MeridianB · 29/08/2022 18:58

So DP trains the team and the friend helps DSS stick at it. Which is fine. The friend does not need to come to your home. If DP wants them to spend more time together he can take them for a pizza after training.

Your request that the friend stays away from the house is not unreasonable.

Unicorn55 · 29/08/2022 19:02

Babyghirl · 29/08/2022 18:45

@AnneLovesGilbert
He's got anxiety, he's at the age now I really don't think he likes coming tbh, but think it's put on him when dp goes to get him and he's out running about with all his friends but think he feel abliged to come.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers
Not where he lives, dps sister lives beside him and said he's nuts out there, I have told his friend of a number of times for the things he does and nothing changes, I know if he was to change it would be put on and I can't see past his attitude if that makes sense cause I have spread seen his true colours.

Have already told dss and dp a while back I did not wsnt him back in the house, he has other friends who I have only seen s nice side to so and I like them cause the r always nothing but polite.

Are you meaning your DSS won't stay at football practice on his own? Or at his dads/your house on his own?

Original poster
Babyghirl · 29/08/2022 19:13

@Padron
I'm sorry but I disagree with you, I just have to suck it up for the friend to come, I work darn hard pay half s mortgage have of bills I think I have a right to say who comes in to my home. We bought house together so I did not just move in to dp house, so I think I have s right who is out side of being related of who comes and goes tbh.

@Unicorn55
He won't stay here on his own, I would love for him to, so him and dp can have one on one time, it's sad he come goes to the room with friends and dp only sees him to go home again.

@MeridianB
Thank you as I say I work darn hard pay for half the mortgage bought house together so I did not just move it, I think I have s right to say who not related comes and goes.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers
He's just not s nice kid, I don't care what he gets up to in his own parents house but when he's here he under my roof, his language is wild, just trouble, I would not allow my 15 year old nephew to behave in my home the way he does. Pregnancy after s loss is awful, I'm a walking mess private scams every week to try and help me, and stress is the last thing I need.

OP posts:
Unicorn55 · 29/08/2022 19:15

When did DSS start to always have to have a friend to stay? Has it always been the same?

Padron · 29/08/2022 19:16

Hey no need to be sorry @Babyghirl I'm giving you advice from my experience of several teens, both mine and step DC. But if it doesn't appeal, no bother. You do you, as said teens would say.

Original poster
Babyghirl · 29/08/2022 19:22

@Unicorn55
Always, he has some lovely friends who I like to see coming, but never see them very much.

@Padron
Sorry if that sounded cheeky, he has some really lovely friends who I enjoy seeing very polite, well that's the only side I have seen off them lol, but this one just has me locked in my bedroom from he comes to he goes home and that can be all weekend, after working all week I like to catch up on things around the house but I tend to hide away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Babyghirl · 29/08/2022 19:33

@Padron
Sorry dp was in a huff cause I told him how I felt.

OP posts:
pitchforksandflamethrowers · 29/08/2022 19:40

@Babyghirl I think it's ok to say actually right now I need to keep stress levels low and you shouldn't have to hide in your own home.

Pregnancy after loss can turn you into a nervous wreck (I certainly was tbh) but I hope this pregnancy goes smoothly - as smoothly as it can. It's hard. V v hard.

Original poster
Babyghirl · 29/08/2022 19:59

@pitchforksandflamethrowers
Thank you for your kind words, I'm a nervous wrack, this the is the furtherest I have ever gotten, never got past ten weeks, and I still can't enjoy it. Will have s word with dp when he gets home I don't wsnt to fight over a non related 15 year old lol.

OP posts:
chillipenguin · 29/08/2022 20:00

He won't go and stay with his own dad without a friend due to anxiety? That is very unusual. Does dad never get 1 to 1 time with him?

chillipenguin · 29/08/2022 20:02

And this is your home you need to feel safe and comfortable, DSS has two homes he can take his friend to the other one like he did.

Original poster
Babyghirl · 29/08/2022 20:18

@chillipenguin
Thank you, no he really doesn't anytime dp takes him out he has to take s friend with him, I might get slated for this but it really down to his mum how he is, he wss never allowed to take son out on his own when younger so son is glued to her, no one was ever allowed to breath on him as in no one was allowed to mind him but mum's mum, it was only when she meet someone when he was 12 was it allowed, he got a new pup and she tried to get dp to take that with dss aswell no way was that happening.

OP posts:
chillipenguin · 29/08/2022 20:19

Poor kid. That needs addressing tbh. She's harming him

Original poster
Babyghirl · 29/08/2022 20:26

@chillipenguin
I have said this to dp I feel so sorry for him, he asks why he can't just do things and we can't answer it because we know where it comes from.

OP posts:
chillipenguin · 29/08/2022 20:28

Thats heartbreaking at 15 tbh. Anxiety is awful but to not even be able to see his own dad is heartbreaking.