Advice needed on options for step-dad

[Igotjelly]

Hoping someone with lots more experience than me can advise. Sorry it’s quite long.

For context on legalities I’m in Scotland. I have been with DD’s stepdad for 9years, married for 5 and we have another child together. DH is a father to DD in every meaningful way (she lives with us 100% of the time, he knows all her friends/likes/dislikes/teachers, does everything with her, his family are her family etc.) DD is 10.

Ex speaks to DD, through his own choice, for less than 20 mins a week on the phone, he hasn’t seen her in 3 years and takes absolutely no interest in her life. Unfortunately he does just enough to not be legally considered an absent father.

DH and I are doing our wills and it’s occurred to me that he has no legal rights over her. I’m terrified if something happened to me she would be ripped away from him and her sister. What are the options? I don’t think ex would agree to adoption (for little else other than to exert control over me) and I can’t really understand what the other options are.

Advice very much welcomed.

brodies.com/insights/cohabitants-rights/what-are-my-rights-as-a-grandparent-or-step-parent/#:~:text=There%20is%20no%20legal%20definition,in%20relation%20to%20step%20children.

I believe he can apply to the court for parental responsibility for the child. It may be worth talking to your solicitor about this.

Get some specialist legal advice.

Would your ex allow your DH to adopt DD? Does ex pay maintenance?

Yes definitely need to get some legal advice I think, though god only knows where I’d find the money for that.

No chance ex would allow DH to adopt her. He’s very vindictive and controlling (hence he’s an ex) and despite having absolutely no interest in anything to do with her would block an adoption purely because he could.

In terms of maintenance he pays £100 a month. He earns well but it’s never been worth the fight for more, for the same reason.

I think the courts can give parental rights in extreme circumstances if there's a specific need for it.

That said I don't think it will remove your ex partners rights.

This is a area I have no idea so will give this a bump as someone with better knowledge/experience may come along and help.

Have you asked him what the plan is if you died?

Who would challenge him for guardianship? Do you think your ex would?

OP, In case you haven’t yet read it, this is helpful advice from @Coffeaddict

In England not Scotland but my brother has PR for how step children. One has a serious health issue so DB and SIL wanted him to be able to make decisions if he was in hospital and SIL wasn’t there. They have a dad but rarely see him.

Thanks all, really helpful.

Ex point blank refuses to have the discussion with me about what would happen, it’s just not something I’d want to leave to chance. I really wouldn’t put it past ex to challenge guardianship purely out of malice. He’d probably lose interest and give her up again but I refuse to let him fuck with her head like that, especially if something terrible happened.

@Igotjelly in terms of your DH applying for parental responsibility, could you maybe frame it to your ex in a non-threatening way that’s about making things easier for your ex?

Eg, “for backup for worst case scenarios only, like if when he’s out with her she has an accident and has to go to A&E and DH can’t immediately get hold of me and we don’t want to make you travel for hours for something relatively minor. We know how difficult it may be for you to travel so this is a belt and braces issue”.

Something like that that’s centred round not inconveniencing him maybe? The twat

That's a really good idea, will definitely try. Will have to dig out the old skills I had from our time together for making him believe that everything is his great idea